Obsession at its finest

I get an idea in my head and I won’t let it go.  Right or wrong I ride it out.  Whether I know the end result will only be disappointment or not.  No one sees that side of OCD.  It’s why I’m typing now.  I wanted to go do other things, but I feeling the overwhelming urge to write, to share, to express myself.  I hate suffering  like this, at times.  At other times it’s comforting, the forced repetition.  It brings peace, even if the end result is negative.  The media I have seen on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder displays that obsession of repetition in physically obvious manner, like Michael J. Fox showed us in the show Scrubs season 3 episodes “My Catalyst” and “My Porcelain God”.  In those it shows him washing his hands over and over uncontrollably.  That is what goes on in our minds.  Thoughts that must be seen to completion every time, whether we want them to or not.  It can hurt us in SO many ways.  For me, it’s financially.  My obsession is spending.  Or, to be more specific, instant gratification.  Gambling, needless collectables, and worse, digital goods and game services.  I know my disorder, how to identify it, how to explain it, but not how to control it.  I do know that until I worked through my depression, I would not be able to move forward with trying to tackle OCD.  This blog and especially those of you that read often and show it have been a major catalyst in healing.  I feel I need to share my story, in case someone does not know what’s happening to them.  A type of anchor for the other broken souls, the Disorderlies(not trademarked, just amusing.  You are not trapped in your disorder forever.  There are people, just like me, out there that are looking for ways to help you, and I.

I had planned on sharing my full story that I have uncovered recently or seemingly unearthed, for there are skeletons I would not ever like to see again, but I want to show you my scars.  Maybe if you see mine, you will see you are not forgotten and not unknown.

I was abused both physically and mentally in my early years by a babe sitter and her twin daughters.  I was a latch key kid, alone more often than not.  Later in school years I was bullied and became an outcast.  Although I met some of the best people I have ever know there.  I made a cascade of bad choices.  I tried to right myself by joining the United States Air Force, but I was far too damaged to succeed.  By then my OCD had become a life altering impediment.  I could not stop spending, even knowing I would fail in doing so.  I did not know what was happening to me.  All I knew is that I had failed.  Not really understanding why.  That is also where I met the 4th worst human ever in my life.  She destroyed all that was good and light inside me by cheating on me time after time.  But I was too obsessed with having a relationship to stop seeing her.  She then got pregnant and life got more complicated then I could comprehend.  After nearly a decade of being a dark soul, emotionally hurting people I never wanted to  Only a few true friends remain in my life from those horrible years, that I see as the most fun I have ever had.  Only when I reflect on my actions of those days do I regret some of my choices.  I ripped myself out of that life at age 30, bringing with me my son and soon to be wife.  The going was rough, to say the least, because I as far from healed then.  That’s when my OCD actually helped me through impossible times.  My job has been the ultimate physical repetition.  I stand in the same place I did when I started 13 years ago.  I cook the same food I did all those years ago, with only minor alterations.  It’s how I survived those most depressed years.  It took my mid life crisis striking me earlier this year, just after turning 43, that I have really started dealing with all of the things I have just shared with all of you.  There are layers upon layers to how the depression started to lift and music, family, friends, my job, and a few other things I can’t talk about, yet, have helped me through the darkest hours.  I would have had a complete nervous breakdown, had it not been through constant introspection.  Through that introspection I discovered my complete and total belief in God and his miracles.  I hope by message can help others to break through their own darkness and hopelessness.  I have faith it will, when you are ready to hear it, or rather read it.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

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freedom and what it means to me

I think we need to stop attacking our own people. Service members should not be discriminated against. Regardless of race, religion, sex, or gender. Our military should stand for the rights our soldiers die to uphold. Anything less would be treason to our constitution.  How can our government turn it’s back on it’s own people.  It was announced that President Trump has banned transgender people from serving in the military.  If this is real news, this is about as un-American as it gets.  Our entire system has been fighting for the freedoms of citizens.  Our equal opportunity employment views have been widely accepted.  Why now would we take a stand against another group?  Freedom should mean more to each of us than just speaking our minds.  Even if you don’t support their lifestyle, supporting their rights as Americans is critical.  If only I were a louder voice.  Maybe I could rise above the din of discontent.  Equality can have no barrier or limits.  The devil is in the details, as they say.  Once you start peeling away things a single group finds offensive, you strip away that which makes equality thrive.

All types of music

I am one of the few people I know that actually enjoys all manner of music.  Rap, Rock, Country, R&B, Jazz, Heavy Metal, Punk, Alternative, and all the music of different countries.  I enjoy the entertainers that write their own music, because they use the music to tell their story.  Above that they create melodic tales of things you may not know yet.  Every type of music tells a life story, just through different perspectives.  Country used a very grounded and rousing style to tell the tales of cowboys, the simple life, and the outdoors.  Rockers sing ballads of love that can shake your soul.  Metal music is tough for a lot of people to listen to, because the words normally come from someone who understands real pain.

Rappers are by far my favorite because they now encompass all walks of life.  Rich and poor they sing songs we understand.  The leaders of this revolution of rapping about real life for me started back in the days of “gangsta rap”.  They dared the system to stop them from telling us about how ugly the streets could be to people.  They shouted out against injustice.  People hated hearing them.  Because they used vulgarity, but the world is a vulgar place.  It scared a lot of people when they realized what had been hidden from them.  Groups like NWA challenged a broken system and won after a bloody battle.  Our eyes are more open to our brothers and sisters who live worlds away from us.  So we can stand with them.  Now there are rappers who stand up for the broken souls.

The Warped Tour showed me the depths that musicians will go to get their messages out.  Associations like A Voice for the Innocents, which is an abuse help group were there to support the fans.  All of the voices that go unheard had performers there to let them know they were NOT alone.  A message that I myself try and propagate.  It was moving to me.  As most people would shun the concert goers.  They dressed different.  They wore their hair in stranger ways.  In that atmosphere they were all accepted.  This is the power of music.  Thanks for listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

more about music

I like how music can act like a time machine.  You can close your eyes when “Linger” by the Cranberries comes on and suddenly you remember that time you heard that song and it stuck.  Or you can listen closely to a rappers story and picture the times in your own life when you are reminded of the struggle.

Since my breakdown I have dove into music as a way to piece my different phases of life together to help guide me to who I really am.  What I really like, versus the temporary obsessions caused by the OCD.  If you are lost, I might recommend trying it.  I have had to make amends within myself for all of the choices both good and bad.  I have reconciled my light side with my dark side.

My story up to now is unreal to me.  I have been to the depths of my inner self and seen the mess.  But as my new favorite MC says in his song Sloppy Seconds “Nothing gory means no glory”.  I interpret that to mean our scars define us and make us more interesting rather than the ugliness we see them as.  Those of us that have been abused in some way have a level of gore in our lives that others understand only through empathy.  It leaves us feeling like the odd man out.  I was revolted by my inner scars.

It took me a very long time to forgive myself for all the scars I gave myself.  I mean that only figuratively.   Being in a deep and long lasting depression gets scary when you believe that state of being to be normal.  I’m far from out of the woods, but I feel miles farther that I was.

Thanks for listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Vans Wapred Tour 2017

Not so long a go I had lost the desire to do anything I used to enjoy.  I could not have dreamed of going to something as amazing as the Warped Tour my wife and I attended today.  I had not thought of going to such a thing before.  It was such an amazing group of bands that played.  The noise was always loud, not something I’m used to.  More than just the bands, there were activist groups of all manner doling out free information and great organizations whose message is pure and well meaning.  It was a magnificent cultural merger for the music.  The music ranged from the heaviest of metal music all the way to rap artists.  We were among the oldest there, but no one gave mind to it all.  It felt great.

By far my favorite performer is George Watsky.  His songs are some of the best I have heard in the current generation of artists.  The other fans of his were passionate in their fandom.  I recommend his song “Sloppy Seconds” if you are of the mind to hear his music. We were able to meet and greet him twice.  He’s just as down to earth and appreciative of his fans as you might hope for the best of people.

Before I started really looking into working through my depression I could not have done any of the activities I have enjoyed this year.  3 Major League baseball games and 1 massive music festival.    Between the depression and OCD I had collapsed my world into only 2 subject work and home.  Mentally trapping myself in a situation that could be sustained with minimal effort.  I may look into becoming a psychiatrist to help heal people.

My ears are still ringing, but it was worth it.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Talapia tonight

I have been hyper focused on internal Alchemy, so tonight I am diverting from that to share another recipe.

You’ll want to preheat your oven to 400f.  This recipe calls for one 5 oz filet of Talapia, as well as 3/4 cup of grated parmesan cheese, a sprinkling of paprika, salt, pepper, a small amount of chopped parsley, and about a table spoon of olive oil.  Line an oven safe baking dish with tin foil.  Slather the olive oil to the topside of your fish, once you have placed it in the tin foiled pan.  Mix the dry ingredients in a small bowl and cake that on your fish filet in a nice thin layer.  Bake that for approximately 15 minutes.  This is Parmesan Crusted Talapi and it’s delicious!

Overshare

In the beginning of this year I started experiencing my mid life crisis.  On top of that I came to understand that my anti anxiety medication was doing far more harm than good.  The initial shock and realization of the situation I was in had me very alarmed.  I started to franticly search for some exterior stimuli to kick start myself again.  Through the months since then I have come to understand that it was not my exterior that needed changes, it was my interior crying for help.  I have kept the blog since near the start of the internal change.  Many of you have been here from the start.  I cannot say I’m 100%, but I’m well on my way to healing inside.

The next steps are unclear to me.  Not being able to afford college is a set back, so I have to come up with new ideas for moving forward.  I am grateful to God for my recovery.  Without his divine grace I would have shattered some time ago.

I still have dreams of going to the east coast, I simply have to find other routes.  My OCD still has a massive effect on me.  Until I figure out how to control it better, I have to stick to what I know how to do, cooking for a living.   I will continue to study philosophy and psychology without a specific school for now.  The information is out there, I just have to find it.

I know that I have a good life and I am grateful.  I don’t keep writing here just for myself.  I keep pushing because I know there are others out there like me.  We need to find a cure for OCD, not just a workaround.  Thanks for listening today.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

When will the chaos stop

It’s a secret question we ask ourselves.  Whether we mean it towards our daily lives or our internal self.  We see the chaos on every level.  The chaos being that maelstrom of emotions within and rapid fire stimuli without.

Some days humanity seems like it’s being tested on a daily basis.  What levels of greatness can we achieve?  What are the true depth of human depravity?  We each see these things in different manners, but we all see them none the less.  Here in the US our depravities are as deep as any yawning chasm.  Our greatness outshines those flaws, in our opinion.  We watch movies that depict every manner of horrible thing a human can do to another so we can either feel the horror or elation of those moments.  On the other hand we have people that strive every moment of every day so that others will live a better life of peace and acceptance.  I might hazard a guess that readers from other countries might feel the same way about their homeland.  Humanity is the same, no matter the region.  Some places just find better ways of wrangling the chaos.

I enjoy sharing my thoughts about these topics.  I take some manner of peace in knowing that I am not alone.  I read your stories and feel like they are parts of me, because they are on some levels.  We have felt the same feelings and sensations.  The grip of fear that tightens around your heart.  The depression that you can literally feel pushing you down to a proverbial kneel.  The feeling of juxtaposition inside oneself as well as the world around us.  The Razor cuts away the improbable(Occam’s Razor).  I enjoy the those moments of peace.

None of us are actually alone, though all of us feel like it.  How odd is that, really?  We can exist in a sea of 7 billion 46 million people, we can feel like no one knows us.  Like no one cares.  But that is a lie.  Every person that cries a little, even on the inside, when they see a sad moment in a show, video clip, or movie cares.  They feel that little moment of empathy.

I would guess that’s another reason the internet was invented.  We have strived in every way to connect one person to another.  From campfires in ancient times, their light attracting strangers to it’s warmth, to social media and beyond.  The human spirit desires unity.  I hope I live long enough for the majority to catch on.

We’ve seen what we believe to be the worst in human kind.  We’ve seen what we think is the best.  Now we need to see the balance of those things.  It goes the same when you are dealing with your own internal struggles.  You have to find the balance within yourself.  Accept that your dark side is part of you.  Remember the thoughts don’t make you evil.  Your deeds show your true colors.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Note to us

Just a reminder to all of us out here with OCD, Depression, and other disorders of the mind.  You are not alone.  “We are legion for we are many”-Legion from the movie Ghost Rider.  You are not a monster for the thoughts that plague you.  Seeds planted don’t HAVE to be cultivated.  Meaning those dark and ugly thoughts never have to manifest.  Once you realize the things we beat ourselves up for are controllable, to a point, we can start working on finding out how to get rid of it!  Our group needs a cool name…like the Disorderlies.  Just kidding.  We know who we are.  Have a great day.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

on pause

My dreams of moving to the east coast and going back to school must be pause again.  It’s more like rescheduled.  It is simply too expensive to move from the Midwest to the East Coast in such a short time.  Now that I feel far more internally reconciled I can focus on moving forward again, rather than be so focused inward.

On this subject, I despise our financial system.  It was created to trade tangible items from person to person.  Now it’s much more obscure.  We don’t carry currency as often.  We use a digital system of belief.  I say it like that because there is not enough cash in the world for every single person to withdraw at once.  Meaning much of the money we think we have does not actually exist in a physical form.  On top of that some people even trade that for purely digital items.  Things/experiences that would not be accessible without a media device.  This point of this little rant was that in the USA the costs for any person has increased so much farther than it should, based on a system that is digitally inflated.  Remove the theoretical monies and IOUs from the system and see where costs then settle.

Thanks for listening!  Until next time, peace to you and yours.