Talapia tonight

I have been hyper focused on internal Alchemy, so tonight I am diverting from that to share another recipe.

You’ll want to preheat your oven to 400f.  This recipe calls for one 5 oz filet of Talapia, as well as 3/4 cup of grated parmesan cheese, a sprinkling of paprika, salt, pepper, a small amount of chopped parsley, and about a table spoon of olive oil.  Line an oven safe baking dish with tin foil.  Slather the olive oil to the topside of your fish, once you have placed it in the tin foiled pan.  Mix the dry ingredients in a small bowl and cake that on your fish filet in a nice thin layer.  Bake that for approximately 15 minutes.  This is Parmesan Crusted Talapi and it’s delicious!

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Overshare

In the beginning of this year I started experiencing my mid life crisis.  On top of that I came to understand that my anti anxiety medication was doing far more harm than good.  The initial shock and realization of the situation I was in had me very alarmed.  I started to franticly search for some exterior stimuli to kick start myself again.  Through the months since then I have come to understand that it was not my exterior that needed changes, it was my interior crying for help.  I have kept the blog since near the start of the internal change.  Many of you have been here from the start.  I cannot say I’m 100%, but I’m well on my way to healing inside.

The next steps are unclear to me.  Not being able to afford college is a set back, so I have to come up with new ideas for moving forward.  I am grateful to God for my recovery.  Without his divine grace I would have shattered some time ago.

I still have dreams of going to the east coast, I simply have to find other routes.  My OCD still has a massive effect on me.  Until I figure out how to control it better, I have to stick to what I know how to do, cooking for a living.   I will continue to study philosophy and psychology without a specific school for now.  The information is out there, I just have to find it.

I know that I have a good life and I am grateful.  I don’t keep writing here just for myself.  I keep pushing because I know there are others out there like me.  We need to find a cure for OCD, not just a workaround.  Thanks for listening today.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

When will the chaos stop

It’s a secret question we ask ourselves.  Whether we mean it towards our daily lives or our internal self.  We see the chaos on every level.  The chaos being that maelstrom of emotions within and rapid fire stimuli without.

Some days humanity seems like it’s being tested on a daily basis.  What levels of greatness can we achieve?  What are the true depth of human depravity?  We each see these things in different manners, but we all see them none the less.  Here in the US our depravities are as deep as any yawning chasm.  Our greatness outshines those flaws, in our opinion.  We watch movies that depict every manner of horrible thing a human can do to another so we can either feel the horror or elation of those moments.  On the other hand we have people that strive every moment of every day so that others will live a better life of peace and acceptance.  I might hazard a guess that readers from other countries might feel the same way about their homeland.  Humanity is the same, no matter the region.  Some places just find better ways of wrangling the chaos.

I enjoy sharing my thoughts about these topics.  I take some manner of peace in knowing that I am not alone.  I read your stories and feel like they are parts of me, because they are on some levels.  We have felt the same feelings and sensations.  The grip of fear that tightens around your heart.  The depression that you can literally feel pushing you down to a proverbial kneel.  The feeling of juxtaposition inside oneself as well as the world around us.  The Razor cuts away the improbable(Occam’s Razor).  I enjoy the those moments of peace.

None of us are actually alone, though all of us feel like it.  How odd is that, really?  We can exist in a sea of 7 billion 46 million people, we can feel like no one knows us.  Like no one cares.  But that is a lie.  Every person that cries a little, even on the inside, when they see a sad moment in a show, video clip, or movie cares.  They feel that little moment of empathy.

I would guess that’s another reason the internet was invented.  We have strived in every way to connect one person to another.  From campfires in ancient times, their light attracting strangers to it’s warmth, to social media and beyond.  The human spirit desires unity.  I hope I live long enough for the majority to catch on.

We’ve seen what we believe to be the worst in human kind.  We’ve seen what we think is the best.  Now we need to see the balance of those things.  It goes the same when you are dealing with your own internal struggles.  You have to find the balance within yourself.  Accept that your dark side is part of you.  Remember the thoughts don’t make you evil.  Your deeds show your true colors.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Note to us

Just a reminder to all of us out here with OCD, Depression, and other disorders of the mind.  You are not alone.  “We are legion for we are many”-Legion from the movie Ghost Rider.  You are not a monster for the thoughts that plague you.  Seeds planted don’t HAVE to be cultivated.  Meaning those dark and ugly thoughts never have to manifest.  Once you realize the things we beat ourselves up for are controllable, to a point, we can start working on finding out how to get rid of it!  Our group needs a cool name…like the Disorderlies.  Just kidding.  We know who we are.  Have a great day.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

on pause

My dreams of moving to the east coast and going back to school must be pause again.  It’s more like rescheduled.  It is simply too expensive to move from the Midwest to the East Coast in such a short time.  Now that I feel far more internally reconciled I can focus on moving forward again, rather than be so focused inward.

On this subject, I despise our financial system.  It was created to trade tangible items from person to person.  Now it’s much more obscure.  We don’t carry currency as often.  We use a digital system of belief.  I say it like that because there is not enough cash in the world for every single person to withdraw at once.  Meaning much of the money we think we have does not actually exist in a physical form.  On top of that some people even trade that for purely digital items.  Things/experiences that would not be accessible without a media device.  This point of this little rant was that in the USA the costs for any person has increased so much farther than it should, based on a system that is digitally inflated.  Remove the theoretical monies and IOUs from the system and see where costs then settle.

Thanks for listening!  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

a little break

I took a couple days off to focus fully on my family.  It was a fantastic vacation for us.  We enjoyed the Mall of America in Minneapolis, MN.  We also were able to watch the New York Yankees take on the Minnesota Twins!  All in all it was a great time.

We pushed ourselves and took in as much as we could in a small time.  As much fun as it was, with all the mental strain lately I started to let little irritations get to me again.  It was a reminder that even though I am working through all the issues, they are far from gone.

One of the wonderful things I had notices was the diversity of people at the Mall of America.  The last time we visited was quite a while ago, the mall was filled with consumers buzzing around to purchase things.  This round people seemed to be there for some more social aspects.  It was a nice experience.

I hope everyone is doing well.  Don’t forget, you are not alone.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

a good day

Today is a good day.  I have been through so much lately, but this morning when I woke up things were just a shade different.

I would like to talk about faith, but before we get started lets clarify that I mean faith in the broadest sense of the word and in no way mean any specific faith based anything.  One of the amazing things that faith does for a person is to open themselves up for more introspection.  We take a closer look at ourselves, our words, and our deeds.  It’s not a crutch for the weak minded, nor is it a tool for controlling the masses.  It’s a means for every person to look inside themselves and evaluate what they like and don’t like about themselves.  It inspires us to reconcile with ourselves, thus allowing better relationships with other people.

I would also like to banish the notion that faith and science are to be separate.  A logical mind can still believe in things/powers/energies that are greater than ourselves.  It also allows some of us to understand that we are not always in control of our surroundings.  We can however, control how we respond to them.  To me, faith can be something so simple as just letting yourself stop worrying about doing everything all at once.  Allowing yourself to rest your mind in the fact that everything will work out the way it is meant to.

For me I believe in God, as well as the natural law that exists through all things.  I believe he communicates to us in ways that we can comprehend.  She allows us greater insight into our own emotions and give us the ability to empathize with others more easily.  They set standards of actions, so that we can use our free will for the better of everyone, not just own selfish desires.

I believe we are all connected at the core.  The only reason, in my opinion, that we don’t have a utopian society is that we don’t want one yet.  We have discovered that through adversity and strife that the best and worst traits of mankind can be explored at great length.  We as a species have yet to reach the pinnacle of our potential.

Faith shows us a way to look inside ourselves in a manner above and beyond the basics of introspection.  Science gives us ways to take that understanding of a greater world and push it’s limits farther.  We have made great strides as a people, but we have a long way to go.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Jarred Brown-Full Father Alchemist

Delving deeper

The more I look into Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, the more things make sense in terms of my mental issues.  I suffered a mild concussion when I was a small child, this could have been the moment the disorder was started.  Normally it’s not a crippling disorder and most people with it live totally normal lives.  I believe that certain traumatic circumstances or periods of extreme stress can trigger the effects.  Also I have come to believe from personal experience that certain medications could also trigger it.  The depression I struggled with for so long led me to think that OCD was not real, that I had no problems.  When the result of being triggered becomes a problem is when the desired repetition of actions is instant gratification related, such as gambling or binge spending.  This has cost me dearly, but I should be able to monitor my spending habits better now.

This blog has been my connection to a decent number of people whom also suffer from OCD.  I hope that my explanations and workthroughs/arounds can help others.  It might not be curable yet, but it is manageable.  You are not a slave your disorder and neither am I.  Stay tuned ’til next time.  Peace to you and yours.

OCD Revelations

One of the really great and wonderful things that has occurred lately is that while working through my depression, OCD, and midlife crisis have opened my eyes to things I had overlooked.  Like showing my wife more appreciation and admitting to when I am wrong.  There is more to it, but that’s private.

I have been searching WordPress for other people that suffer from OCD.  So many similarities between us, but one constant.  There is no cure yet.  Being “cursed” with a mental disorder is alarming to most of us.  Those that discover it later in life are able to make past instances more understandable as far as mental well being is concerned.  Some anxiety and depression are lifted, since an open understanding of the constant flow of internalized negative thoughts is reasoned to be the disorder and not some believed deserved punishment from past or present transgressions.  I am also finding that some cases of OCD manifests itself in the form of constantly repeating an action or activity for minutes/hours/years.  I am seeing some of these cases are “triggered” by a significantly distressful ordeal that in effect overloads the mind and causes a constant flow of repeated messages in order to bypass the mental trauma.

In my case it started in part very early as a block to the abuse that was done to me by a babysitter.  Followed by being bullied and tormented in school and beyond for no good reason.  The greatest blow was being betrayed by my daughter’s mother, but the disorder was already present and doing it’s damage by them.  Only through deep introspection have I been able to put all the pieces together, with a lot of prayer and reliance on friends and family to bear with me while this was all going on.

This leads me to my latest decision to be made.  Do I continue on my path to study Philosophy, as a means to understand the various past ideas of healing the body through unusual means or pursuing phycology to assist with the direct intervention of fellow troubled souls.

Thanks for stopping by.  Peace to you and yours.

Some Days

Some days are far more challenging that others.  I feel the grip of fear.  It instills panic deep within.  My fight or flight response is triggered.  I want to run.  Or just hide away from a world that could be so wonderful, but many of us have lost that hope.  We’ve been down so long that getting up feels harder every day.  All the plans we make and hopes we have can be stopped by 1 person.  Ourselves.  Many introspective hours were spent yesterday trying to figure out if I can actually follow through with the plan I have been building.  Today the fear of my current paradigm of failure is shaking my resolve.

I scream inside my own mind.  Why shoot for the moon when you will just end up lost in the darkness?  I’ve written this out several ways.  One of the saddest issues I have had in dealing with OCD is the sudden disinterest of so many things.  I become internally paralyzed by the fear that trying will simply result in the same feelings.  I will try and describe it.  Think of something you really like, say for instance cars.  You are really invested emotionally and financially in your car collection.  You wake up one day and for seemingly no reason, you no longer want to have anything to do with your collection.  All that time, effort, and energy spent.  Now, imagine that happening to all manner of things in your life for years and years.  Once the obsession passes, it’s almost repulsive to consider liking something again.  I can see that some of this is caused by depression, others just natural ebb and flow.  I don’t know how to overcome this current malaise, but I will keep trying.  Peace to you and yours.