Another great morning of wonder and grief. While jumping into spring cleaning, I started to look at all the stuff I have held on to and why. Since I have so many pains in the past I can’t forget( Eidetic Memory) what I did all of my life was compartmentalize pain and place it with certain music or other stimuli recollection. So, in essence, when I truly wanted to forget about anything, I put those items into a box, stopped listening to that type of music, eating those foods. That allowed me to survive in a higher than catatonic state of being. After this wonderful breakthrough I decided I’m going to pass down, sell, donate, or throw away all of the things I have hoarded in the past. Those memories are safe, now that I can process them normally. I am also trying new flavors and such.
In the midst of all this, I reached out to my father for some tips on how to repair my entry steps. After talking to him I was at once angry, resolved, sad, and relieved. I have given him 43 years worth of reasons to doubt me…so he does. I was angry at first, until that hit me.
Hard part for me will be getting rid of old stuff. I can’t hold such mnemonic attachment to “stuff and things”. I still find it difficult to deal with people that don’t think I can do it. The doubt around me is like a miasma choking my spirit. Thankfully, instead of shutting down and allowing the reversion of previous self, I keep pushing forward harder and moving faster. I’ll not these stimuli turn into my own mental quick sand.
-Awesome side note, idea come from a forgotten comedian. Did anyone else think quick sand was going to be a MUCH bigger deal once we got to adult hood?-
I used to fear that I could not keep the “fire within” lit long enough to get moving. Starting to feel better about the flow I have created. The other night my son asked me why anyone would not like the new version of me. Why they would want me to go back to the guy that didn’t play with him very often. He’s taken the brunt of my depression, in a way. His entire life he’s know me as sullen, sad, lost, and worst of all, distracted. I was a “normal” guy. I have a wife and 2 kids at home, a steady job that I have had for 13 years, we own a house, 1 1/2 cars(one works sometimes, so I give it 1/2). I did family outings like movies, camping, dining, etc. We had a great relationship, but not nearly as indepth as he would have liked. My youngest son has ONLY known his father as the grumpy, moody, forgetful, etc. He has gotten so little personal interaction on levels he craves. G(youngest) once pointed out a character in a Disney movie some time ago that he had said was what he thought of me as. I no longer remember the movie, but the scene was one of a father, working on his computer or something. The young protagonist wants to interact with his/her father, only to be dismissed, albeit politely. He said, “that’s like you dad!” Wow, did that f’n hurt to recall.
I totally agree with my son. I’ll never be that person again. Any who wish to stand in my way have been warned! (Que Katy Perry’s Part of Me song and start rolling the self improvement montage, mine, not hers.)