It hits the fan

When you battle with depression for so long, you get used to losing.  It becomes all you know.  You set yourself up to fail at everything you ever try, so that you will just stop trying, because you will just fail.  We know the cycle.  We know the fear.  You read this and feel my words, you are not alone.

I hit a low point tonight.  I looked to my new bookshelf and just “knew” I could not succeed at anything I was trying.  I felt myself giving up.  So I turned here, thinking I was silently throwing in the towel.  Instead, I remind myself by typing to anyone who will read.  I remembered that we struggle, we hurt, we fear, we cry, we want to run, we want to quit.  I’m tired of this being the status quo for some.

After a full night sleep, the depression seems to have set back in.  I am unsure of the causes.  This was “my worst fear” was getting back to this very point.  This is where I felt the most lost in my own labyrinth.

I wonder if this past couple months was just the midlife crisis playing itself out and now it all goes back to the horrible way it was.  I also wonder if the rest of you have ever felt like this.  I feel like I was given hope of change and a new life, only to have it ripped from my hands.  Hopelessness threatens to overtake me.

That’s what it’s like trying to actually deal with depression.  The solutions are never clear. We are not fluid in our thoughts.  We are lost on the waves of indecision and fear of actually succeeding.  Somehow our minds twist things into their worst possible scenarios(thanks OCD).  The challenge for so many of us is real.  When going to a baseball game is considered a break through, just image how even the inane things we do feel so hard.  When you start to layer on the “mental illnesses” you see their effects have synergy as well, though not in a good way.

You are not alone.  I’m going to keep saying that.  Not just to you, but to me.  You never have to step forward.  You never have to be known.  Just know that you are not alone.  You are not forgotten.  I can’t repeat all of this enough.  The song “Lean on me” says it all.  Read some of my past stories/blogs/recipes.  You can see my ups and downs are as real as yours are.

Thanks for stopping by again or for the first time!  Your time is valuable.  Thanks for sharing it with me.

We might be up Schittz Creek.  But brother/sister, I have a paddle.  I’ll find a way to cure us.



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