Sunrise

I used to consider myself a night person.  I have worked 2nd shift for the past greater part of my working life.  Now, after all these years, I want to see the sun rise instead of set.  I want to feel the remembered sensations of cool morning breezes.  The sound of the world coming awake again.  It might sounds cheesy, but if you only saw the night time for the greater part of your existence, what might you think?  I bet you would think the difference in night and day…  Everyday I work through past pains and bridge the gaps between then and now.  Allowing myself to feel less compartmentalized.  The troubles with OCD and eidetic memory is that the emotional pain is as real and painful right now, as it was back then.  Can you imagine what it’s like to feel the pain of loss, heart break, or humiliation without provocation?  After a while, you stomp that out, because it hurts too much.  What happens is you transition it directly to anger, fear, or rage.  So your thoughts, without notice, are suddenly violent, terrified, or worse.  You have NO control over when this happens.  Every scenario, every day, every waking moment.  You think that it’s normal, then you think you are WAY to broken to be fixed.  Medical Doctors prescribed an anti depressant and anti anxiety medication.  This did little but to suppress the feelings, saving them up for a later, near fatal, meltdown.  Thanks to God the meltdown was not fatal.  This is why I will continue to fight.  These are the things I would not wish upon my worst enemies.  This is why I am going back to school this fall.  I just hope I can afford it.  You are not alone.  I am with you, in spirit, my friends.  Your depression will not consume you.  I won’t give up on us.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s