Painful realizations

I’ve reach a point in life where my current status quo is intolerable, but pushing forward is going to be a monumental challenge I’m not sure I’m strong enough for.  I can feel the internal struggle.  Part of me wants to be complacent.  I desire for a return to the normal way of life I understood, but every time I consider settling back down, I go through minor panic attacks.  The stress levels I have created for myself, I call my internal Kobayashi Maru.  For those non Star Trek fans, I feel like I have created an unwinnable scenario.  If I stay where I am, I feel like I will suffer an internal collapse that I could not recover from.  The alternative I have set up is to move myself 1200 miles away and re start a college life, while maintaining a full time job, without the direct support of the family that I have devoted my life to supporting.  I understand that it’s all perspective based, but my damaged psyche has trouble filtering the real emotion from the stress induced anxiety bursts.  I can see and understand that both options exists at the same moment.  They are both true and false at the same time.  Time will tell.

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