a fear of mine

While dealing with things as per normal, I begin to understand myself a bit better.  I have started to become fearful of moving forward.  My mental paradigm is so ingrained that I fear it’s changing.  It manifests itself in many ways.  I have fear that I won’t find a job in CT.  I fear that I won’t find a place to stay in New Haven.  I fear that I have been out of school long enough to not understand the current ebb and flow of the education system.  Each of those worries are valid and must be addressed, but not be allowed to stop my from trying to press on.  One of the scariest things about relieving depression is how to be, internally, after it.

I’ve been so depressed for so long, I don’t know who I truly am any more.  Am I the eager drama student of 1989?  Am I the college drop out of 1993.  Am I the disgraced soldier of 1995?  Or maybe I’m the lost and broken soul of 2001.  Am I the hopeful father of 2008?  Am I the burnt out chef of 2017?  I am parts of all of them.  Each fragment coming together to show me a picture of my current self.  Recovering from severe long standing depression and currently fighting Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I am hopeful of my future.  I hope I can help yours too.  Peace to you and yours.


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