range of emotions

Trying to deal with depression brings up nearly the entire range of emotions.  I’ve been drowned in sadness over the past few days.  That’s the one I put off for a long time.  It can feel overwhelming.  The reasons are broad and varied, but the weight is heavy.  We all remember what makes us sad.  What happens when your mind plays those thoughts on an unwanted loop?  Not sure if it’s the OCD or just dealing with the sadness finally.  I lost the desire to write for several days because of it.

I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  I don’t wanna be broken, but I’m glad it’s me and not someone else.

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American Lie

DSCF0313This is gonna be a weird one, a simple parody using Don McLean’s American Pie song as the skeletal framework.

A long long time ago, I can still remember how the music used to make you cry

and you knew if you had once chance, you would stop the people’s dance, and make them believe they where happy for a while

The rap music made you shiver, with every curse word they delivered

Bad news on your door step; we cannot take one more step.

I can remember all the times I cried, when  I read about those blatant lies

But something touched me deep inside, the day the music cried

so bye bye, this American Lie, drive your Chevy round the country ’til the your gas tank runs dry,

Them good ole boys who said you should stay inside, singing that will be the day when you die.

That will be the day that you die.

You click on Facebook things you love, it could be a face upon a glove,

If the media tells you so.

Don’t listen to those frikken trolls, this product saves your immoral soul,

and we sell pills to “make you grow”,

Cause I know that you’re in love with thin, and don’t want to be in a gym

Just kick off your shoes, and take these pills of blue,

You’re a lonely teen feeling out of touch, just take these pills they’re a pick-me-up,

But then we all ran out of luck, the day we allowed them to lie.

Now for some singing,

Bye Bye this America Lie, drive your Chevy ’round the country till the gas tank runs dry,

Them good ole boys are banking that you will die, and singing “this will be the day no one cried”

This will be the day no one cried.

Now for some years we’ve been on our own,

the cats grew fat on your kidney stone,

But that’s not how it’s ‘Sposed to be,

When the jester became the king of mean,

raised the price of his product really obscene,

and a voice that came from Dre and ‘Sky

While The People were feeling down,

they gave us pills to steal that frown,

Our minds started to burn,

Our faith’s been overturned,

and while we learn about the Starks,

the music’s tryin to start a spark

and they spout rhymes to make us arc,

They rap so we can cry.

Even more singing,

bye bye, this American Lie, drive your Chevy ’round the country ’til the gas tank runs dry,

Them good ole’ boys know now that we will not die,

singing “This Won’t be the day that we die”

This won’t be the day that we die.

They made us zombies like horror shamblers,

no cure in sight only brain scramblers,

Eight Mile was a good movie, a blast!

They’ve killed criminals with gas,

even unborn babies don’t get a pass,

feels like we’re next and I think it’s ass.

I think for some it’s now high noon,

Our voices will been heard soon.

This will be our stance,

Oh, this time, there’s a chance,

They will try and make us yield,

But it’s our time on this field,

The world will know what’s been reveal,

The day, we stop these lies.

Yet again sining,

Bye bye, this American Lie, drive your Chevy ’round the country ’till the gas tank runs dry.

Them good ole boys will be the ones who will cry,

singing “This will be the day no one died”

This will be the day no one died.

Oh, and there we were all in one place, a generation lost in space with no time left to start again (this line transcends itself from song to song)

So come on: lets get nimble, must help the sick!

You gave us drugs that broke us, dick

Soon you will be out of friends.

Oh, and as you watch Trump on the stage, your hands all clenched in fists of rage

He was not born in hell, wake up from the spell,

Now that you can see it is time to fight to stop sacrificing our health for pyrite,

We’ll all be laughing with delight,

The day they were allowed to cry.

Jeez more singing,

Bye Bye, this American Lie, the price is to heavy and we don’t want to die.

You good ole boys take a bow swallow your pride.

singing “this will be the day Pharma died”

This will be the day Pharma died.

We ALL have so many blues

we’re ready for some happy news

this time no one turns away.

Now listen to your favorite score,

hear their songs like never before,

No one should tell you what you can play,

Start taking walks, let your smile beam

Watch lovers smile, and share your dream

Where they are spoken,

or rapped or sung while tokin’

You’ll find who you admire most,

Maybe father, son, or the holy ghost,

This is your shot, not a hoax,

The day, you let lies die.

one last time singing,

Bye Bye, this American Lie, no more bullshit claims, even when we drive by.

So good ole boys now it’s time to let fly,

The poisons that made us all blind

The poisons that made us all blind.

Bye Bye, this American Lie, we have suffered long enough and now it’s time so say Bye.

them good ole boys cashing in now should fry,

but we’re not them, it’s time to rest.  bye

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Wonderful Memory

Today, as I enjoyed a variety of songs on Pandora on my Watsky channel I was able to recall 2 very distinct memories.  I would like to share them.

The first was my first kiss, I was rather young, her name was Penny Trip.  I had just moved from my home in Iowa, to a trailer park in Kansas.  She made the move and I was surprised.  She smiled, saying she wanted to know what it was like.  I’m glad she chose me, it was a nice pleasant memory.

The other was the start of my current state of mental chaos and ruin.  Her name will not be spoken.  It was the dawn of internet communication.  I had come to know a girl, totally different than any I had ever met.  The poetic details of this memory could roll on and on.  Mistakes were made, I was betrayed, a debt never repaid, I really got played, sadness in spades.

While working through my depression and learning to get control of my OCD I have had the pleasure/horror of discovering my memory is far too accurate to try and keep anything bottled up.  Some form of eidetic memory that can recall emotional pain and empathy.  Trying to find healing is pushing my limits.  Thanks for listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

One man, too many opinions

Many of us now feel far more free to share our internal thoughts and opinions.  In a society in which they were unwelcome, they are now embraced.  Maybe not widely embraced, but embraced none the less, by like minded people.

Our public school systems are a fantastic resource.  My question today is; Why don’t our schools teach our children how to learn?  Our system is based on teaching children what to know, not how to figure it out.  Teachers try, but are limited in what and how they are allowed to teach.  So many restrictions.

With parents having to work so much more, there is far less time for us to teach our children the important things like work ethic and a strong moral character.

Then comes the internet to just blast it’s brutal visage upon us all.  So few restrictions.

The moral of this who story is that maybe it’s time we look in to shifting how we teach our future.  How this is done I don’t rightly know.  Some nice ideas I have are;

Pay teachers more.  I would hope we love our teachers enough to pay them so they won’t have to get 2nd jobs.  Would they then have more time to dedicate to our children’s education?  Would more people be inspired to be teachers, to help guide our progeny.  We could then have more classes such as work ethic, morality, and even tax preparation, home upkeep, etc.

Maybe it’s time to put far more into education for everyone, instead of letting the internet spray it’s truth in our faces.

How to pay for it?  A special tax levied on insurance companies, bankers, politicians, hospitals, and pharmaceutical companies.  As well as the rest of the corporations and special interest groups that got us into this broken system to begin with.  Should have bailed out the people, not the banks.

Observation on Depression

It’s been a rough few weeks, I can’t lie.  I’ve had some very sad and trying times.  The up times have been mirrored by severe downswings.  I have questioned my own existence.  My purpose.  I still can’t figure it out, but I have figured out that the medication I was prescribed could be partially responsible for my depression being highly exacerbated.  I believe either Citalopram Hydrobromide or Duloxetine caused a suppression of the adrenal gland.  I think many of us have had this occur.  Not sure if this helps, but it helps me understand myself by typing it out.  Until next time.

 

Reflections of the Beginning

DSCF0307

This is a real life story, from the moment of realization, of a middle aged man(Jarred J Brown)<that’s me! and his midlife crisis.  The tale will be one of sadness, misery, suffering, and grief, evolving into an eye opening first hand look at the problems in Biomedicine and it’s treatment of mental illnesses.  Illnesses like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Clinical Depression, Anxiety, and many more, which to this day have no cure.  The “victims” of these syndromes are treated to a barrage of Biomeds created to treat only the symptoms, not heal the damage done first.  The proverbial bandage on a broken arm.  I hope you stay with me, ’cause I will be here for all of you.  Whether you know it or not. (no, I did not say stalking, quit that!)

 

That’s my original “mission statement” of my blog.  I reread it today and it holds true still today.  The more I look into the subject of depression I can see that it’s very common now.  There is also a common thread about prescription medication being ineffective or downright harmful, not to mention some can be addictive.  It’s an epidemic that we won’t survive without finding more effective ways of helping each other.

On top of that, it seems like the USA has simple lost it’s mind.  Proverbial of course, but the circumstances of each citizen seems perilous, by our definition.  We have a president that enrages a portion of the populace.  Pharmaceutical companies allowed to dole out drugs that are harmful.  Insurance companies forcing costs up.  A medical system that is profit based with obscene costs for the simplest of care.  Corporations that make choices based on bottom lines, rather than the betterment of society.

That’s the common message delivered to us through internet media.  A consistent barrage that we have to sift through so we can see the actual atrocities and push aside the blatant lies and misleading 1/2 truths.

Thanks for listening.

My Turn

I like commercial television.  I feel like it’s my turn to say “in my generation”.  Commercials reminded us what season it was, gave us new ideas of things to experience like concerts and theatre shows, and of course all the things we needed to buy at the places we loved to go, like Target, J.C. Penny, and Blockbuster.

I feel like, for me, we’re being pulled towards these tiny glowing screens.  The internet is full of brutal truth and blatant lies.  It seems like commercial TV uses a forgotten concept called ethics.  News casters would simply tell you what was happening in your area, around your state, and then around the world.  They did it with dignity and integrity.  They may have dirty stories to tell, but they use implied meaning instead of exposing everyone to gore or horrible reality.  Social media has no such reigns.  Lies and 1/2 truth stories can go viral in days leaving people to believe a falsehood without doing their own research.

On the other hand, it shows us real bruised knuckles and broken people.  Videos without remorse or consent.  Real live you never thought you could see in the Midwest USA.  Depravity and reality mixed.  It has shown so many people that they can live and whoever they want.  The only bounds are self implied.  Everyone can enjoy anything they like, without public ridicule.  They are then free to share that with like minded people around their web.  Free to meet and relate to similar souls.  Setting them free in ways they could never imagine.

My point?  Enjoy some commercial TV and take in a few new experiences.  Don’t believe anything you read on the internet until you fully research the topic.  Just today a close friend posted a fear mongering campaign against a non well researched topic.  It will lead people to believe only a fraction of the truth, mixed with lies and fear.

daily grind

Being back to the grind has really made me challenge my creative side.  When I started my journey just a few months ago my only goal was to leave the current situation I was in.  I wanted to changes jobs, cities, and even be separated from my family for a short time.  What I really think I wanted was a complete internal change.  The only thing holding me back was myself.  I had repainted my life’s mural into only shades of blue and gray.  I had convinced myself that it was my external life that was broken.  The only thing that had been broken was my internal self.  The depression and OCD had become my whole self.  All the while trusting in the Pharmaceutical business to be out for the well being of it’s recipients.  When in fact they are only out for profit.  Anti depressants that make you want to die.  Pain killers that make you addicted to them.  Cures with more horrible side effects than the current malady you have.  It was only nature ways that helped me get to where I am now, which is far from healed, but much farther along the right road.

Some how along the way I become my own worst enemy.  I think there are many people who kind of feel the same way.  Why would there be an entire industry based on curing mental illnesses that only help exacerbate our troubles?  All of our scars are the same depth to one another.  My worst pain is no greater than your worst pain.  They are both of equal in magnitude.  Keep that in mind the next time you feel too low, you are not alone down there, we’re all here for you.  Even without contact the empathy is felt to anyone who feels that down and out.  We don’t know each others names, only each others pains.  The world is listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Invisible Lines

Something different today.

Seems like our lives are encased in invisible lines,

Spaces and boundaries and moments in time,

That’s legal here, but over there it’s not,

I like you near, so near it gets hot,

But don’t talk about this, don’t speak about that,

Don’t tell people that you think they are flat,

Do what we say, follow the rules, stay in the lines,

Wrap yourself in these incorporeal vines,

Myspace, your space, their space, their place,

my place, don’t face, don’t pace, keep pace,

Follow along, hear the song, wait for the gong,

Take a breath and breathe, let rest your mind,

Your mind matters, it just takes time,

Drop the pills pour out the sauce,

Never forget you’re your boss,

The lines only exists if we let them,

Like who you like, even if it’s not men,

Colored lines are the worst, they drive me insane,

As though they were cursed for being in the wrong lane,

We the People need to realize we’re all the same,

People’s lives are not a frakkin’ game,

Stop playing with our health, it’s so lame,

Mental or physical, please treat us right,

No more medication to sleep through a night,

Let our hearts and minds run free once more,

Stop treating us all like that feasting boar,

Gorging yourself on our time causing gore,

The cost is too high, the time is neigh, don’t be shy,

Make yourself fly, sing to the sky, take back your pie,

Not just one slice, not one single piece,

Take the whole thing, it is within reach,

Look for what’s missing to see what’s to gain,

Freedom of speech has had time to explain,

No authority granted permits you spread pain,

So please feel free to drop your cane,

Do not hurt us, it’s inhumane,

Keep your fake cures, your thoughts are inane,

Breaking our minds so you can maintain,

A lifestyle that exceeds even Dr. Dre,

You drain our lives so you can play,

Broke our soul, can’t smoke a bowl,

It took it’s toll, you’re on a roll,

All that you stole, accept your own role,

Let’s take a stroll, dance around the pole,

No I won’t answer another poll,

Our choice was bad or evil,

Which did we choose,

I think it’s a weasel,

Can’t tell yet, that’s clear,

I bet it started at hold my beer,

Watch their reaction, I bet they all cheer,

Cheered and Jeered,

Steered and Smeared,

Red, White and Blue,

Who actually asked you,

Maybe it’s time to shoo,

Hop on that choo-choo

Get the heck back to your nice house,

Stop telling dudes they can’t wear a blouse,

Get us back to reality,

Turn back on the gravity,

Lets feel all the levity,

Realize the brevity,

For real this time, we don’t have an eternity,

Hear the pop now,

Don’t stop now,

Shop now,

Not for stuff and things that are disposable,

Live a life quotable,

Not with the status quo,

It’s not uncontrollable,

You’re the star of the show,

Don’t take a bow until you know,

Make the sun shine, let yourself grow,

It’s never too late to see your own glow,

Thanks for your time, it’s precious I know,

When you struggle at times, remember the flow,

If life gives you lemons, trade them to someone who got limes.

If you don’t like limes, then just keep looking, there’s still time,

Open yourself to a new world sublime,

Where healing is free and almost no crime,

When true hope comes we can relax,

less hax, less tax, less wax, more lax,

some slack, don’t stack, halt the attack,

plant the seed, god speed, please heed,

We need good deed, maybe weed,

don’t impede, no misdeed, are we freed,

Peace for now, I like to say,

Have yourselves one great day.