Why the Vulgarity?

While the majority see vulgarity as something lewd unacceptable.  To me life is vulgar.  What is shared in public is a massively watered down version of the truth.  Mainstream music, movies, and television give us a clean version of stories.  Our clean versions use limited vocabularies to soften the blow of what we hear and see.  We then emulate that version into our everyday lives in how we interact with one another in public arenas.

So we then get to those situations you don’t talk about in the open.  The horrible atrocities that are committed on a daily basis.  Racial murders, rape, religious brutality.  That horrible and vulgar reality is more than most people can process.  It depresses us all.  With music and internet media not having the same filters we can be bombarded with those unspeakable topics more often and thus we internally fear we may start emulating that behavior, but instead more and more people are starting to empathize with more issues and causing some increased levels of depression.  We’re feeling more for others around the world than I believe humans have throughout it’s existence.  It also seems like more people are willing to spend their lives dedicated to helping each other in any way they can.  I’m noticing in the music world the songs are more about helping people through hard times and being supportive of the underdog.  It’s quite amazing and inspiring.

Through the worlds vulgarity we can see the true beauty that lies within each of us.  To combat our depression we have to understand why we feel it.  It’s not because you or I are somehow broken or different from masses.  Every person feels the weight, expressed in different ways.  It’s because we have felt pain from beginning.  Either our own or through empathy toward others.  So we are so depressed we no longer want to care, because we have always cared and can’t understand why others don’t feel the exact same way.  Why do all of the worlds atrocities still exists if everyone could feel empathy?  I believe it’s because of the cultures created to water down the truths we hear.

Amazing innovators such as Mark Zuckerberg, Reed Hastings, Dr. Dre, Jimmy Iovine, Elan Musk, and Clive Barker bring us ways of detaching from pre programed media and show us different ways of experiencing our world and seeing the each others troubles and tribulation.

I feel like we can work through depression without doctor prescribed medication.  We have to reconcile within ourselves our differing sides.  Don’t punish yourself for the horrible deeds done to you by someone else.  It wasn’t your fault.

Thank you for listening, until next time.  Peace to you and yours.



Song Ideas(explicit lyrics)


The following is my vulgar view of what I do.  If you are easily offended, skip this post, it’s not for you.  But if you have work days that simply drive you to the edge, read on.  Writing has been my favorite outlet.  Songs have a way of mixing words together to make sense of our chaotic lives.  Enjoy or skip it, that’s your call.(if you are related to me, you might just skip it, it’s THAT vulgar)

Line Cook Rap-Serious/Angry- attitude;

I’m a line cook bro, my pants are not pajamas,
I’m a semi pro at cooking food like bananas,
That’s not totally true I don’t enjoy that fruit,
I’m just glad I don’t work in a mother*ckin suit,
When printer spits I have to get to it,
Meat on the grill I know I won’t screw it…
Up ’cause I’m good at what I learned,
I know that sh*t won’t turn out f*ckin’ burned,
On to the next one after the other,
cookin with some homies that I call brother,
We’re brothers in arms purified by fire,
Standing in the heat feels like a pyre,
The funeral type ’cause that’s how rough it is,
Shut you’re f*ckin mouth or you’ll be eatin’ our jizz.
No offense that’s just how we talk,
Vent it out so we don’t leave a f*ckin chalk…
Outline…on the mother*ckin’ pavement,
Some days it’s not worth the payment,
Now it’s time to drop a the beat like battered cheese,
We don’t give a f*ck about you  fake allergies,
You’re… sitting at a table,
able to share fables
staring down at label,
the TV’s have cable,
talkin’ ’bout a livery stable,
That’s a live-a-ly table,
man, I hope the breads not stale.
Back to our story hand,
Cookin’ the sh*t as fast as I can.
That’s when the question is dropped,
“Will I be up soon”, then I just popped,
B*itch you know better than to ask that sh*t
Now it won’t come up until the next shift.
Not true, but I always think that,
I do my damn job don’t remind ass hat.
Just get back to your place,
yeah, better the f*ck out my face,
I got heat, meat, and a bad attitude,
It takes time it’s not convenience food,
The chaos stops and we recover,
Forget what was said now it’s over,
It’s all in past there’s no more fumin’
Never forget that we are just human.

Being you

I’ve heard “just be yourself” more times than I can count.  What happens when you don’t even know who you are anymore?  Maybe you braced your identity against your job or significant other.  Maybe you, like me, lived in a depressed state so long that you have no clue of the real self.  My discovery process deals with finding true likes and interests versus temporary obsessions based on differing levels of gratification.  I guess we are all the things we think we are.  All that we hope for.  All that we fear.  How I see it is that all of the options in your life exist, whether we can see it that way is another story all together.  Some very fortunate people see themselves early on as who they would like to become.  For the rest of us we barrel through stages in our lives hoping something sticks.

There is more to it, but my brain is scrambled lately trying to figure myself out.   I get bogged down by a crippling fear that since I did not start chasing a dream when I was young, that I have no chance at it.  To me, I call it “just being realistic”.  I wanna kick my own ass every time I hear that in my head.  What’s the next step?  Who knows.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Helping Ourselves

I think there are a few misconceptions about depression that I would like to talk about tonight.  For some people it’s not a mood or phase.  It’s a life time.  There are great days and terrible days.

Some may think that losing interest in old hobbies or favorite past times is just you growing up.  To those that suffer severe depression it can feel like a loss of self.  Like a piece of you is missing now that you no longer like a certain music genre or book series.  I suffered through this for at least 4 years.  I thought I simply didn’t like or could not look forward to anything anymore.  The main catalyst was the anti anxiety meds I was on.  I have been able to reignite some interests lately, thankfully.  Music, philosophy, psychology, alchemy, and baseball have been topics of great excitement.

A fellow blogger https://cultsurv.blog/ talks about her experiences dealing with deep depression.  Along with several other bloggers I follow and that follow me.  Their internal struggles mirror my own.  Lost of interests is a common theme.  As is the feeling that people don’t understand us.  The depression we are going through is not a simple mood swing.  It’s a life altering disorder that, as I have talked about before, has no true cure yet.  We try clinical psychology(most effective), medication(ineffective), and a slew of different types of healing such as sound therapy, yoga(there are MANY different types now), and more obscure methods.

A terrible sense just washed over me.  People have been cashing in on depression for ages.  Religions, cults, pharmaceutical companies, and some less scrupulous psychologists.

From my own life I can suggest other ideas to help yourself.  The first suggestion will be starting a blog.  Write all of you feelings and ideas down so you can re read them as you struggle.  Vent it all.  Let  your thoughts flow into your hands.  2nd, discover new types of music.  Differing the sounds you expose yourself to will help you slowly shift your perspective.  In eastern philosophy, a person can meditate humming a specific tone.  This helps to focus your inner self.  Listening to music is our western way of accomplishing similar effects.

For me, I went so far as to get a pair of Beat by Dre headphones to experience the music in more detail.  Neither of those ideas costs you a thing.  There are also very few negative side effect.  Side effects include digging up old memories that make you sad, angry, etc.  I’m not claiming this will cure you at all, it might just help you a little.  Without costing you a thing.

Changing your diet may also have positive effects.  Not simply eating healthier, but trying foods outside your normal comfort zones.  Try some more robust flavors beyond the over simplified Salt/Sugar/Fat ratio.  Greek food has a unique bouquet of flavors.  Indian cuisine has been know for it’s high spices levels.  Italian can offer some fantastic varieties as well.

Lastly I would encourage a different type of physical activity.  Try DDP Yoga(personal favorite).  If you are already do Yoga, try walking as well.  Diamond Dallas Page, an ex professional wrestler, developed a yoga program that provides a wider range of activity.  He designed the program to provide physical rehabilitation, strength and endurance training, and body centering yoga.  He’s also a magnificent coach in his videos.  Full of energy and encouragement so you can progress at your own pace.

I’ve listed ways of allowing yourself to change externally, to prepare yourself for the internal alterations that you desire.  It’s stated over and over again, accepting yourself is important.  I am starting to believe that it’s not the first step, it’s one of the last.  It’s a way of looking at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.  Accepting yourself, as we are told so often becomes the goal.  The self actualization.  You might be damaged, but so are we all.  YOU are not damaged beyond repair.  You DO have value.  HAVE faith in yourself.  A CHANCE is all your need to give yourself.

Think about it this way, as I have read before, your mind is a living organism just like the rest of you.  You can rehabilitate it, it’s an unseen physical injury, you just have to figure out your fixes.

Now I just have to get this message out to the rest of us.  Until Next time, peace to you and yours.

Full circle

Had you asked me last March if I would be where I was today, I would have spit venom and said not one chance.  I wanted my life completely changed in every way.  I knew deep down I was living wrong, I just didn’t understand how wrong.  Through a lot of musical meditation, alternative medicine, and introspection I have come to a point of peace in my life.  I feel as though I have reconciled the darkness and the light.  I feel comfortable in my own skin again.  I’m not saying I’m out of the woods yet, just that I can see the forest through the trees now.  I will keep sharing my life story, because I enjoy this type of therapy.  Thanks to each and every like and supportive word from each of you.  Even those that can’t ever reply.  I love you all.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

one constant; Music

When dealing with OCD, I have to figure out what are temporary obsessions and what are true likes.  In this path in internal discovery I have found only a few.  Music is one of them.  I sang in high school, studied it college, and just keep listening to the myriad of types that continue to develop.  It’s come so far in the very short time I’ve been alive.  It has always held people with it’s power.  From the songs repeated from generation to generation to pass on family history, bards of old roaming city to city singing tales of wonder.  It can be used for war, the beat and flow can control mass movements of troops. Used to rally or signal retreat.  It has transformed into one of the ultimate arts that exist.  As sure as any geometric equation, music is a constant in our lives.

After being able to enjoy the Warped Tour I have really started diving back into music and the stories behind the most recent musical transformations.  It has also inspired me to put more effort back into my cooking skills.  I may not be a musician, but I am a chef.  I create for the mouth what music does for our ears.  I cook mostly fresh cut steaks, with a variety of other entrees like the fish dishes I use in my recipe book.  I don’t put steak recipes, because beef is different for everyone.  Each person enjoys different cuts and temperatures.  Each pair gives a varied texture and flavor bouquet.  So a single recipe would do only a select few any good.  I plan on diving back into discovering new ideas for cooking and making our restaurant even bigger than it is now.


I wanna write a song

Rap saves the world; Part 1, by Jarred Brown

I wish a was lyrically gifted to be able to simply think of songs and spit them.

I heard my inspiration knocking, while my wife was out shopping.

I can’t rhyme to the time so sublime would it be if I could chime to rhythm and sing nicely on key.  But I don’t know if I can keep a beat, not sure if I could take the heat. I don’t have a plan of attack nor stack of fat cash to try and reach out to the souls in the back. I just know I hear a call and this time it’s not my mom, maybe it’s somebody who can tell me what in the f&*k is supposed to be going on.  I’m just a plain ole dad, never really been that rad, couldn’t be cool in if I sat on a stool in a pool of ice water.  I wonder why I bother, then I remember when I came to hear all them rapping their troubles out to a world that just happen to wrap them around lies while their cappin’ not nappin.  I can hear them now, talkin’ about the law(loaw) and how unfair their share was when, the cops never gave ’em  a chance to explain them..selves.  Thrown to the curb as though they were just trash, these smart young kids figured out how to cash( pause) in on this terror that was for sure made in error, for not one soul of us thought it real, just some mirror(Speed up here) image of a place we’ve only seen in our movies to busy to know that their pain could not heal under the heel of system of that couldn’t feel their schpiel about how it’s real and not reel.

Rap saved the world, from my point of view.  We’ve seen to many facts to try and askew;

It’s just a matter of time before this theory mine is shared by my kind. (crappy hook, but this is my first try)

My obsession with Rap music

To me it seems odd that a man my age would still be so interested in rap music.  It seems to me it’s a young mans music.  I would be wrong though.  My love of the Hip Hop genre of music started all the way back in 1984 and the movie Breakin’.  It has amazing music, crazy fun dance moves, and a very young Ice-T.  The music itself is just infective and has a special kind of flow to it.  I later enjoyed the heaviest of the Rap genre that started one of the rudest awakenings I have ever know.

They brought to light the gang violence and police brutality that had afflicted the west coast, the spotlight being on Compton, CA.  The music shocked and awed us Midwesterners into a bit of a frenzy.  Crazy urban legends began to pop up from this panic.  All because a few young men decided enough was enough.  They spun into music the grittiest of stories with the goriest of language.  Later in 1991 many of the greatest names in the popular rap game came together to make the song, “Same Gang” calling themselves the West Coast All Stars.  Which was a fantastic song with a great political statement.  They decried the violent gang lifestyle and aimed to change the culture altogether.

A massive change in perspective was given to our country by a bunch of songs.  Stories about an unfairness of the system.  Forcing peoples eyes open to the great divide that was ruining our brothers and sisters.  The rap music of today is only slightly different in that people from all walks of life are stepping in to the rap arena to show of their verbal skills and pass their own messages of hope to different groups.  Life itself is vulgar, don’t let the lyrics turn you away from the meaning.

Thanks for listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Learning to cope

I have been able to recall most all of the negative factors that I let control my life.  My challenge now is to cope with them and make peace within myself so I can move forward.  When I first met my wife, I learned early on of some dark things that have happened to her.  I had thought I was saving her.  I may have assisted in some ways, but she has, in turn helped save me from myself.  Since she has had to deal with those memories for so long, she is very understanding and supportive of me while I have gone through this breakdown and rebuilding process.

This blog has been a wonderful source of sharing.  I know I have said this before, but for those of you who have not considered writing/reading other peoples blogs, I would suggest you dive in to WordPress for a few minutes.  This is a forum for people from all over the world to share their lives in glorious goriest detail.  It is what reality TV should have been.  It is pure and unscripted life, full of an ocean of emotions.  You can read and see the beautiful things your neighbors perceive.  It make me believe there is a chance for the world to change.  If more people can see that we are all so similar, then we can simply stop acknowledging the divides to push us apart.

As I have been working through my depression and as I learn to cope with OCD, I have delved deep into introspection and philosophy as a means of understanding the how and why of human behavior.  I think that if I can understand myself better, that I can reach out to others and understand them better.  Thus allowing me to find a better way for mass numbers of people to work through their own depression, rather than medicating it with pharmaceutical drugs that do more harm than good, to some.  Now if I can just figure out how to put this all together and make it make sense.  Less people would have to pay to feel better.  Less people would have to spend so much on trying to get healed internally.  They could gain the strength and self confidence that comes from dealing with your issues head on.  Accepting yourself is a long process, but it is possible.

And maybe, just maybe, once the majority realize they can help themselves, then we can reach out to one another.  We can all then start working towards real and lasting peace.  The war machine can take a rest.  We the people can take care of the rest.

I think I’ve said enough for now, I’m just a simple man.  But I swear, if I can reach this point of understanding, anyone can.  I like to believe there is hope again.  So I can start to cope, again.   Cope with a reality that reeks of racism still.  Cope with seeing that sexism just can’t die.  Coping with the fact that sexual assault still assaults our friends and family.  I was hoping this world would be better by now.  I grew up believing that one day all of the petty things that tear us asunder would be nothing but past memories.  Like the scars inside of me.  Like the scars inside of you.  Everyone person in this world is given free will.  Free to take any action.  Free to say any words.  It’s time for the billions and billions of quiet souls to shout now.  Shout at our world itself.  Remind ourselves that we are more than just the sum total of our cell phones and social media accounts.  For a simple man that had enough to say, I guess I sure had more just sitting around in the corners of my mind.  Words that I think might help just one or two people, so they can help a few and so on and so forth until we hear that popcorn sound.

I am inspired to write by artists I listen to and by the stories I’ve read on here.  Along with the wonderful Instagram stories I follow.  I’ve learned that normally the nicest people have the deepest scars, because they don’t want anyone else to feel what they have.  I’ve learned that faith comes in every shape and size.  I’ve learned that people have not forgotten how to be amazing.  From the performers at the Warped Tour, to the magnificent sponsors, to the person who transformed right in front of me in the Watsky line.

There is hope for us all still.

Thanks for listen.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Side note- My wife has been grown her nail tech business very nicely, check her out at https://www.facebook.com/Ladybugsnailsalon/posts/1854932878157668?notif_t=notify_me_page&notif_id=1501253941122608  thanks!



Obsession at its finest

I get an idea in my head and I won’t let it go.  Right or wrong I ride it out.  Whether I know the end result will only be disappointment or not.  No one sees that side of OCD.  It’s why I’m typing now.  I wanted to go do other things, but I feeling the overwhelming urge to write, to share, to express myself.  I hate suffering  like this, at times.  At other times it’s comforting, the forced repetition.  It brings peace, even if the end result is negative.  The media I have seen on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder displays that obsession of repetition in physically obvious manner, like Michael J. Fox showed us in the show Scrubs season 3 episodes “My Catalyst” and “My Porcelain God”.  In those it shows him washing his hands over and over uncontrollably.  That is what goes on in our minds.  Thoughts that must be seen to completion every time, whether we want them to or not.  It can hurt us in SO many ways.  For me, it’s financially.  My obsession is spending.  Or, to be more specific, instant gratification.  Gambling, needless collectables, and worse, digital goods and game services.  I know my disorder, how to identify it, how to explain it, but not how to control it.  I do know that until I worked through my depression, I would not be able to move forward with trying to tackle OCD.  This blog and especially those of you that read often and show it have been a major catalyst in healing.  I feel I need to share my story, in case someone does not know what’s happening to them.  A type of anchor for the other broken souls, the Disorderlies(not trademarked, just amusing.  You are not trapped in your disorder forever.  There are people, just like me, out there that are looking for ways to help you, and I.

I had planned on sharing my full story that I have uncovered recently or seemingly unearthed, for there are skeletons I would not ever like to see again, but I want to show you my scars.  Maybe if you see mine, you will see you are not forgotten and not unknown.

I was abused both physically and mentally in my early years by a babe sitter and her twin daughters.  I was a latch key kid, alone more often than not.  Later in school years I was bullied and became an outcast.  Although I met some of the best people I have ever know there.  I made a cascade of bad choices.  I tried to right myself by joining the United States Air Force, but I was far too damaged to succeed.  By then my OCD had become a life altering impediment.  I could not stop spending, even knowing I would fail in doing so.  I did not know what was happening to me.  All I knew is that I had failed.  Not really understanding why.  That is also where I met the 4th worst human ever in my life.  She destroyed all that was good and light inside me by cheating on me time after time.  But I was too obsessed with having a relationship to stop seeing her.  She then got pregnant and life got more complicated then I could comprehend.  After nearly a decade of being a dark soul, emotionally hurting people I never wanted to  Only a few true friends remain in my life from those horrible years, that I see as the most fun I have ever had.  Only when I reflect on my actions of those days do I regret some of my choices.  I ripped myself out of that life at age 30, bringing with me my son and soon to be wife.  The going was rough, to say the least, because I as far from healed then.  That’s when my OCD actually helped me through impossible times.  My job has been the ultimate physical repetition.  I stand in the same place I did when I started 13 years ago.  I cook the same food I did all those years ago, with only minor alterations.  It’s how I survived those most depressed years.  It took my mid life crisis striking me earlier this year, just after turning 43, that I have really started dealing with all of the things I have just shared with all of you.  There are layers upon layers to how the depression started to lift and music, family, friends, my job, and a few other things I can’t talk about, yet, have helped me through the darkest hours.  I would have had a complete nervous breakdown, had it not been through constant introspection.  Through that introspection I discovered my complete and total belief in God and his miracles.  I hope by message can help others to break through their own darkness and hopelessness.  I have faith it will, when you are ready to hear it, or rather read it.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.