Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; part me

One of my many hurdles is the OCD.  This last round is especially challenging.  Once an obsession passes, the previous point of interest is completely forgotten even to the point of being disinteresting.  I started my blog on one such obsessive moments.  I find it challenging to come back and continue writing.  But, part of my current depression treatment is really helping me observe and take action when I realize the OCD is “in control”.  For those that don’t suffer from or have heard of OCD it’s very difficult for me to describe.  I tell people, I think of the worst possible outcome to every single scenario I have ever thought of.  I tell them about the internal pointless rage.  I tell them about the lack of impulse control.  I explain that Obsessive is just that, but it’s just as easy to forget that obsession.  Unless you live it, it could be hard to grasp.  I lived for 41 years before knowing that I was dealing with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I had to do my own research into the all of the mental symptoms, but the physical repetition was easy to spot.  In 1995 the US Air Force wrote in a side note that I was Obsessive Compulsive.  I was not told what that meant.  I was not treated.  I was discarded without further explanation due to previous infractions brought on by the disorder.  I didn’t even know that what they did was ethically questionable.  I was swept away so quick I was denied by Montgomery GI Bill due to a length of service violation.  I had a disorder that they didn’t know how to handle, so I was booted and forgotten without even knowing what Obsessive Compulsive meant. Let alone that it was a disorder that has no cure.  This realization hurts.  I am going to go back to school this fall in order to help prevent my story from ever being repeated.  That’s been my plan all along, but I forget what I’m doing at times.  The faded obsession in easily forgotten.  Lucky for me I have this Blog, and all of you that stop by, to help remind me.  A life goal is not a passing obsession.  I can push and complete it, without fearing loss of interest.  I worry every day that I will simply fall back to my old habits and forget that I have to find a cure.  Depression first, then Anxiety, and then mental disorders like OCD.  If you know what it’s like, any word I have said, then you are not alone.

Advertisements

Hope; the next frontier

One of the greatest gifts we have ever had is hope.  It drives us, motivates us, and comforts us through our toughest times.  When you mix equal parts hope and determination(I know there is a ton more, but poetic license keeps it shorter) you get the core of human success.  We have within us, the ability to change the world we live in.  Be it in small ways, like treating one another better or in huge ways, like dedicating oneself to the betterment of all mankind.  I see so many different people stop by and read a thing or two I have written and it give me hope, helps fuel my determination, and motivates me to keep pushing towards the goal of healing whom I can.

I watch an interesting program last night, Bill Nye Saves the World.  Last night was an episode of interest.  He and his fellow cast members spoke about holistic healing(the very subject I am just starting to delve in to).  There are SO many charlatans of all types out there that wish to pervert this cause.  Seeking only to make themselves wealthy off of human hope and fear.  Holistic healing should never cost people.  If it’s all natural, then why would you charge anyone(greed is the only answer)?  I understand research costs money, but human lives are beyond monetary value, so exploiting their health and well being for profit is despicable.  There has to be a better way, the time is now to find it.  Keep the faith everyone.  We are not alone in believing that every human is of the same worth we are.

I had a fun thought today.  What if our answers somehow are connected with technology?  Perhaps Biochemical, Biomedical, and Biomechanical can all work in unison to heal a human body, rather than just treat symptoms.  I will have to look into this.DSCF0313

 

Field Trip!

Today is our first day home after my son’s field trip to Washington DC.  I will attempt to do justice to everything we saw and experienced!

Our first day was that of near madness!  Starting our travels in the middle of the night we took bus and plane to reach our destination.  The only rest we all had was what little bits we got on rides and short layover.  It was an amazing whirlwind of excitement for most everyone.  For so many of the kids it was their first plane ride!  I did not expect what would come next.  Every single time they children were called upon to respect the rules at all of the memorials they were so well behaved!  We visited several great points of interest including but not limited to Mt. Vernon, The White House, the Capitol building and most of the memorials.  Also included were several of the Smithsonian museums.  Each group of us consisted of 2 adults and 4-5 students.  Our group had a magnificent variety of interested from sports to the sciences!  All of them were eager to share their interested with each other AND myself.  I felt very good that they would share that with me.  We had enough time at each museum for each student in our group to select their top choice.  The pace was hurried, but we managed to get a bit of each.

I was impressed by how easily they adapted to their surroundings.  Even the most challenging students fell in line when requested.

My favorite moments were in this order; Best moments was my sons first time in an aircraft simulator in the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum.  It was a full 360 experience.  We had such a great time.  My son opted to keep one of the photos they took.  Which happened to be the first time we were upside down!  2nd was seeing the USS Enterprise model.

My 2nd favorite was the memorial of Franklin D. Roosevelt.  I will post the quotes of his that I loved, once I get them all downloaded.  I think he will be my newest inspiration for pushing forward.  This humble man seems like how I feel.  I have much I want to offer people as far as my desire to cure mental illnesses and healing our country overall.  I am continuing to seek out ways to be able to financially be able to accomplish my goals.  I have gotten to a point in life in which I see few alternatives left, other than just pushing as hard as I can, with all the time I have left, to finding our cures.  I was able to keep my OCD under control during the trip, but near to the end I was completely overloaded and started to struggle with “keeping it together”.

BTW, skip using Southwestern Airlines.  Their flight attendants were not professional at all.  They treated our group like 2nd class passengers.

I have come to the conclusion that I would like to live on the east coast.  The history in that area is something of great interest to me.  Sometimes we must be reminded that each person of interest in history had one thing in common.  They believed in themselves and their personal quest.  I am at this point.  I will succeed or die trying.

Keep remembering, you are not alone.  No one has forgotten you.

PS. Some of the pictures are from the Jefferson Memorial!  Sorry for the initial misinformation, I was mentally overspent.

I’m Jean Valjean?

I love making connections with movies/songs/musicals.  Jean Valjean made a massive character shift in his middle ages, I look to Les Miserables for inspiration and help keep pushing myself.  Director Kevin Smith was a trailblazer for independent film makers and young dreamers alike!!!  My personal favorite, Diamond Dallas Page, started his professional Wrestling career in his late 30’s early 40’s.  He took charge of his own life and forged his own path.  Harrison Ford…most of us know his story.  He had some fame in his early years, but it was his midlife that brought the best roles to him.  Eminem (Marshal Mathers) knows the fight I’m fighting now.  He’s beaten these demons already, or at least used his battles with them and crafted some of the best music I have ever enjoyed.  Those are my celebrity “heroes” that help me believe I can do more.

My strongest inspiration in life is my own father.  From his birth to where he stands today has been nothing short of greatness in my eyes.  He came from a home with nothing, literally.  A single used toy was his Christmas, lost a brother at a very young age, and put up with the horrible mentality of a small town in the middle of north Iowa.  His accomplishments are legendary in my eyes.(many others would agree)  He joined the military right out of school and married my mother shortly after.  Their life is a success story of perseverance, dedication, faith, duty, honor, compassion, and sacrifice.  I tried to follow in my father’s footsteps, by joining the Air Force right after a little college.  I was crushed by my OCD and depression that had already  been started years before.  He, on the other hand, spent over 30 years dedicated to God, our family, and our country.  From Airman Basic to Lt. Colonel.  He had the option of taking one of several full Colonel position, but passed on them, choosing family instead.  He also passed on moving us to DC to get even higher rank, so he could focus on us more!  I have tried to be like him in every way I can.

My mother’s story is no less impressive!  From a small town farm girl, to college graduate, and beyond.  Her compassion was the perfect counter balance to my father’s harsh attitude.  She tempered us with tolerance and serenity, while my father forged us with honor and discipline. (us being my brother and I).  I have seen her as an assembly worker at an RV manufacturer, a counselor for battered women, and on to management in a great retail company.

Thanks for listening.  Thanks for stopping by.  You are not alone.  We can all make our own future.  Mine will be one that I dedicate to curing mental illness by natural means.  I will start by studying Philosophy, to look into each religions views on natural healing with words and the study of belief systems.  I will then switch to Biochemistry where I will find out how I got healed and spread that on to the world(God willing).  Thanks to this blog, anyone who stops by will know the progress!

Our 11th Anniversary

My wife and I have been out of town since the 20th.  We went on a long road trip to Denver, CO.  This turned out to be the best trip ever.  I will share much more later, but the constant activity and mental assault(small amounts of social anxiety).

Our trip started out like all the others we have done.  We left after I got off work, 11pm.  We were no in any hurry.  We made a blanket fort in our rented SUV and caught a few much needed rest.  The next morning we were up and at it very early.  Our first stop of interest was the Lexington Military Vehicle History Museum.  The veteran that ran it was a quiet man.  I gathered he had seen more in his service than any human should have to.  He was a stoic and confidant man.  It was such a great museum.   http://heartlandmuseum.com/index.php  My wife was able to fit into all of the seats of the M2 Bradley fighting vehicle.  It was the size of our living room!

After the long road trip, I was tested in many ways.  There were several small things that went wrong with our initial check-in to our hotel, the Double Tree by Hilton in Denver.  Instead of having a depressive break down(like normal), I was able to shake it off, thanks to the efforts of my wife and the assistant manager, Sean.  Sean is the epitome of customer service done right.  He listen patiently, reacted appropriately, and his positive attitude never waivered.

One of our most enjoyable moments was at the Colorado Rockies game vs the San Francisco Giants.  We arrived slightly late, but sat down during the 4th inning.  It had just started to sprinkle.  Before we knew what was going on, the bases were loaded and #27 Trevor Story stepped up to the plate.  Like a moment out of time, Story hit his first career grand slam!!!  Shortly after, in the same inning, there was a 2 run infield homerun!(I think that’s what it was called) .  The rest of the game was full of electricity and the crowd was enjoying every bit.  The Rockies won 6-5!  We have decided that baseball will be our new couples hobby.  Since it is new to us both, we will be on even footing as far as knowledge and games watched.  Go Rockies!

We also visited the Denver Zoo and Denver Museum of Natural History.  Both of these activities were pleasant in their own right(except the Imax film we watch, which turned out to be a long global warming commercial, was supposed to be Extreme Weather).  The biggest thing they lacked was our children.  Without them, none of our normal joys destinations were as fulfilling.

To most normal people, all of these activities are innocuous.  To those of us who suffer from mental conditions, these were great feats.  I tried to back out of going to the Rockies games several times.  I voted to leave early, because of the kids.  My wife stood beside me the entire time.  Ushering me towards our goal of strengthening our marriage.  We met a myriad of people that were very pleasant to interact with.

If you ever get the chance, visit Denver.  I believe that their laws allow people a bit more freedom in their choices, thus empowering each citizen into improving their standard of living.  Since some medical avenues don’t have such harsh side effects and are far more cost effective, the citizenry has the option of feeling better and working towards healing, rather than focus on base treatment and added stress of financial strain.  The positive mood was noticeable in every aspect.  Drivers were more polite and attentive.  Customer service employees we encountered were more relaxed and able to “go with the flow”.  This was true for most every place we visited in Colorado.

We visited a dispensary, http://lightshade.com/lightshade-holly/.  This was a great first experience.  The staff was fantastic.  Each person was stationed in a certain area during their shift.  The point of this was, the owner/operator holds that person accountable for every single thing in their area for that day.  They were all knowledgeable, professional, and personable.  Their alternative medicine works.  Don’t take my word for it, always do your research.

Overall it was a great trip and I am now excited to do more activities in life, rather than just sit on my PC and slowly die.  Most people won’t know our struggle.  Hopelessness, fear, doubt, and all the other plagues in our minds.  I will keep pushing to find our cure.  I’m so tired of the simplest life activities feeling impossible.  We are not alone.  We can know peace.