More about the struggle

If you do not take responsibility for consciously becoming aware of your shadow traits, you will find them projected onto others (of the same sex) in your environment. You may feel an irrational instinctive hatred for virtual strangers-The Modern Alchemist: A Guide to Personal Transformation
©1994 by Richard and Iona Miller

This is a great bit taken from the material I’ve been reading.  I understand this as, once you realize you are dealing with your own depression and the shadow side of yourself.  Your real and true dark side.  The dark thoughts that haunt you. The unethical and immoral actions you have taken that disturb you at your core.  We then project that on to others, that we may externalize our fears and regrets.  What I am studying now is how to reconcile my dark and light sides.  Finding the balance.  Depolarizing myself.  Working to break the paradigms I have created throughout life.  I called it decompartmentalizing  each chapter of life based on age, location, job, and current music habits.  I spoke some time ago about linking music to memories.  I did this to guard myself. So I could just stop listening to types of music in order to forget.

I believe that we could, as a whole species, embrace the thought process in order to move past the current state of discontent we feel towards one another.  Look within ourselves to see why we have issues with things like race, sex, gender, religion, or income status.  Like I have said before, if a person’s individual actions don’t directly effect you or those you protect, then it should not concern you.   The pigment in skin does nothing to you.  Their chromosome pattern does not affect you.  The side of their internal polarity towards masculine or feminine does not cause you ill.  And so and so forth.

As I work towards the healing of myself, I enjoy sharing.  Secretly I hope that someone reading this is positively motivated by it.  Like so many of my fellow blogger’s work has come to me when I needed it.  Thanks for reading today.  Peace to you and yours.



I used to consider myself a night person.  I have worked 2nd shift for the past greater part of my working life.  Now, after all these years, I want to see the sun rise instead of set.  I want to feel the remembered sensations of cool morning breezes.  The sound of the world coming awake again.  It might sounds cheesy, but if you only saw the night time for the greater part of your existence, what might you think?  I bet you would think the difference in night and day…  Everyday I work through past pains and bridge the gaps between then and now.  Allowing myself to feel less compartmentalized.  The troubles with OCD and eidetic memory is that the emotional pain is as real and painful right now, as it was back then.  Can you imagine what it’s like to feel the pain of loss, heart break, or humiliation without provocation?  After a while, you stomp that out, because it hurts too much.  What happens is you transition it directly to anger, fear, or rage.  So your thoughts, without notice, are suddenly violent, terrified, or worse.  You have NO control over when this happens.  Every scenario, every day, every waking moment.  You think that it’s normal, then you think you are WAY to broken to be fixed.  Medical Doctors prescribed an anti depressant and anti anxiety medication.  This did little but to suppress the feelings, saving them up for a later, near fatal, meltdown.  Thanks to God the meltdown was not fatal.  This is why I will continue to fight.  These are the things I would not wish upon my worst enemies.  This is why I am going back to school this fall.  I just hope I can afford it.  You are not alone.  I am with you, in spirit, my friends.  Your depression will not consume you.  I won’t give up on us.

Hope; the next frontier

One of the greatest gifts we have ever had is hope.  It drives us, motivates us, and comforts us through our toughest times.  When you mix equal parts hope and determination(I know there is a ton more, but poetic license keeps it shorter) you get the core of human success.  We have within us, the ability to change the world we live in.  Be it in small ways, like treating one another better or in huge ways, like dedicating oneself to the betterment of all mankind.  I see so many different people stop by and read a thing or two I have written and it give me hope, helps fuel my determination, and motivates me to keep pushing towards the goal of healing whom I can.

I watch an interesting program last night, Bill Nye Saves the World.  Last night was an episode of interest.  He and his fellow cast members spoke about holistic healing(the very subject I am just starting to delve in to).  There are SO many charlatans of all types out there that wish to pervert this cause.  Seeking only to make themselves wealthy off of human hope and fear.  Holistic healing should never cost people.  If it’s all natural, then why would you charge anyone(greed is the only answer)?  I understand research costs money, but human lives are beyond monetary value, so exploiting their health and well being for profit is despicable.  There has to be a better way, the time is now to find it.  Keep the faith everyone.  We are not alone in believing that every human is of the same worth we are.

I had a fun thought today.  What if our answers somehow are connected with technology?  Perhaps Biochemical, Biomedical, and Biomechanical can all work in unison to heal a human body, rather than just treat symptoms.  I will have to look into this.DSCF0313


Field Trip!

Today is our first day home after my son’s field trip to Washington DC.  I will attempt to do justice to everything we saw and experienced!

Our first day was that of near madness!  Starting our travels in the middle of the night we took bus and plane to reach our destination.  The only rest we all had was what little bits we got on rides and short layover.  It was an amazing whirlwind of excitement for most everyone.  For so many of the kids it was their first plane ride!  I did not expect what would come next.  Every single time they children were called upon to respect the rules at all of the memorials they were so well behaved!  We visited several great points of interest including but not limited to Mt. Vernon, The White House, the Capitol building and most of the memorials.  Also included were several of the Smithsonian museums.  Each group of us consisted of 2 adults and 4-5 students.  Our group had a magnificent variety of interested from sports to the sciences!  All of them were eager to share their interested with each other AND myself.  I felt very good that they would share that with me.  We had enough time at each museum for each student in our group to select their top choice.  The pace was hurried, but we managed to get a bit of each.

I was impressed by how easily they adapted to their surroundings.  Even the most challenging students fell in line when requested.

My favorite moments were in this order; Best moments was my sons first time in an aircraft simulator in the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum.  It was a full 360 experience.  We had such a great time.  My son opted to keep one of the photos they took.  Which happened to be the first time we were upside down!  2nd was seeing the USS Enterprise model.

My 2nd favorite was the memorial of Franklin D. Roosevelt.  I will post the quotes of his that I loved, once I get them all downloaded.  I think he will be my newest inspiration for pushing forward.  This humble man seems like how I feel.  I have much I want to offer people as far as my desire to cure mental illnesses and healing our country overall.  I am continuing to seek out ways to be able to financially be able to accomplish my goals.  I have gotten to a point in life in which I see few alternatives left, other than just pushing as hard as I can, with all the time I have left, to finding our cures.  I was able to keep my OCD under control during the trip, but near to the end I was completely overloaded and started to struggle with “keeping it together”.

BTW, skip using Southwestern Airlines.  Their flight attendants were not professional at all.  They treated our group like 2nd class passengers.

I have come to the conclusion that I would like to live on the east coast.  The history in that area is something of great interest to me.  Sometimes we must be reminded that each person of interest in history had one thing in common.  They believed in themselves and their personal quest.  I am at this point.  I will succeed or die trying.

Keep remembering, you are not alone.  No one has forgotten you.

PS. Some of the pictures are from the Jefferson Memorial!  Sorry for the initial misinformation, I was mentally overspent.

I’m Jean Valjean?

I love making connections with movies/songs/musicals.  Jean Valjean made a massive character shift in his middle ages, I look to Les Miserables for inspiration and help keep pushing myself.  Director Kevin Smith was a trailblazer for independent film makers and young dreamers alike!!!  My personal favorite, Diamond Dallas Page, started his professional Wrestling career in his late 30’s early 40’s.  He took charge of his own life and forged his own path.  Harrison Ford…most of us know his story.  He had some fame in his early years, but it was his midlife that brought the best roles to him.  Eminem (Marshal Mathers) knows the fight I’m fighting now.  He’s beaten these demons already, or at least used his battles with them and crafted some of the best music I have ever enjoyed.  Those are my celebrity “heroes” that help me believe I can do more.

My strongest inspiration in life is my own father.  From his birth to where he stands today has been nothing short of greatness in my eyes.  He came from a home with nothing, literally.  A single used toy was his Christmas, lost a brother at a very young age, and put up with the horrible mentality of a small town in the middle of north Iowa.  His accomplishments are legendary in my eyes.(many others would agree)  He joined the military right out of school and married my mother shortly after.  Their life is a success story of perseverance, dedication, faith, duty, honor, compassion, and sacrifice.  I tried to follow in my father’s footsteps, by joining the Air Force right after a little college.  I was crushed by my OCD and depression that had already  been started years before.  He, on the other hand, spent over 30 years dedicated to God, our family, and our country.  From Airman Basic to Lt. Colonel.  He had the option of taking one of several full Colonel position, but passed on them, choosing family instead.  He also passed on moving us to DC to get even higher rank, so he could focus on us more!  I have tried to be like him in every way I can.

My mother’s story is no less impressive!  From a small town farm girl, to college graduate, and beyond.  Her compassion was the perfect counter balance to my father’s harsh attitude.  She tempered us with tolerance and serenity, while my father forged us with honor and discipline. (us being my brother and I).  I have seen her as an assembly worker at an RV manufacturer, a counselor for battered women, and on to management in a great retail company.

Thanks for listening.  Thanks for stopping by.  You are not alone.  We can all make our own future.  Mine will be one that I dedicate to curing mental illness by natural means.  I will start by studying Philosophy, to look into each religions views on natural healing with words and the study of belief systems.  I will then switch to Biochemistry where I will find out how I got healed and spread that on to the world(God willing).  Thanks to this blog, anyone who stops by will know the progress!

Recovering from vacation

Who would have thought that one might need to recover from a vacation.  Part of managing depression and OCD is recognizing that it is actively happening to you, not passively, as I once thought.  I felt as thought I had crashed, mentally.  There were too many stimuli shocking my system so it reverted into a depressed stasis.  It took the entire day to come to that realization.  Modern medicine does not have the proper treatments.  There has to be something organic and natural that occurs to assist our own bodies in an actual healing process.  It could even be a mixture of effects.  Such as, music, scent, visual stimulus, and even interpersonal communications.  As learned in the Trivium, all sounds have meaning and purpose.  I will have to look into each effect in it’s own and then combine each at different intervals.  There has to have been some catalyst in the last few months for me to have changed internally so much.  Not so much changed as reopened.  I mentioned earlier compartmentalizing negative events with audio, video, and olfactory stimuli.  Once a certain amount of stimuli that can’t be forgotten due to OCD cells over firing, that external stimuli can be stopped, thus being able to “forget” the previous built up over stimuli.  Now I just have to start figuring out a way to afford getting to college and learning what I need to prove my theory.  Beyond selling everything in the house we don’t use, each of us(my wife and I) are looking into any way we can think of to raise enough to keep the family supported while I look for work in CT before even trying to make the move.  I get really depressed thinking about finances, but I pray I find a way.  I need this cure.  We need this cure.  We are not alone.  I will find a way to help everyone.

The Battle is Joined

  1. People keep stopping by, how wonderful 🙂 If I can reach enough people, I believe this will be a success. It’s still a challenge to go into situations without a predetermined outcome in mind. Depression sucks. OCD Sucks. Working through it all is such a battle. If I don’t fight it, who else will? Ephesians 6:10-18

Forward Progress or Surreal Situations

I have had some great correspondence with my future college:)!  Things seem to be falling into place nicely.  The levels of personal action and activity are high.  The depression seems to be completely at bay, for now.  Today has felt like that of a Tsunami.  Overwhelming and yet I was able to “ride the waves” thus far.  Finding constant grounding points is good for me.  Talking to my family and friends helps to “make it all real” and keep it from just being a forgotten notion or dream.  My next steps will be a challenge that I must figure out how to solve.  I will be starting school this coming Autumn.  I am so bad with money, I have to find a way to funnel what I make into just bills, family upkeep, and now moving to a new town AND securing loans for school.  To me, this is the hardest.  I despise money, but understand it’s relevance.  I just have to keep pushing forward.  I still hold the fear in the back of my mind that a full reversion could set in, but I find it unlikely now.  The contact I have met from the college is very easy to deal with.  I just hope she reads all this, to understand their new student better.

My Ironic Easter

I swear I am not embellishing on this at all.  Last night was a very tough night.  After I felt assaulted but physically and mentally at work, by the very people I have been trying to help(long story).  The physical was an accidental(or passive aggressive) burn to my hand…near the wrist, photos on my Instagram.  Today was nothing less than the best holiday I have spent with my family.  We spent every minute of it interaction with each other through a myriad of things such as Easter Egg hunt, putting up bird houses, repainting some window borders, tree trimming, and then lunch together, at a neat little Chinese buffet.  The entire day I felt like a new man.  The irony is not lost on me.  Good Game G.

Looking forward to every day now.  See you all along the way.  If you have a recipe you would like added to my book, please email it to me  Still trying to find my fiction muse, she must be on break:D


Lapis Philosophorum

The fabled Philosopher Stone.  Mentioned in nearly every religion in some form.  It’s power is creation.  Not of the literal create something from nothing sense.  What the legends say is that it holds the power of healing and transformation.  It’s widely believed that this is a physical stone.  This is completely false.  It is of this earth, yes. Scholars and philosophers throughout time have attempted in vain to decipher the texts correctly.  Their only guides, to my knowledge, have been the Mutus Liber, and alchemical recipe of sorts.  It’s not written in speakable words, it’s written in Geometry.  As the Quadrivium, this means it’s Objective.  No room for a false translation.  The other is the much more well know item, The Emerald Tablet of Hermes.  Rumored to have been view by the greatest minds of their time, the translations given are all very similar and have one fairly clear interpretation; The Stone may very well be Humans, in a male and female pairing(not sex, gender).  This is the start of my theory as I start to discover the healing properties of the human body in it’s interactions with both other humans and possibly, the earth itself.  Study time!