It’s not knowing

I am in control of so much that goes on in my life.  The routine is only altered when I choose it to.  I think that’s why I am pushing so far out of my comfort zone lately.  The most exhilarating moments are the ones we don’t know that are coming.  The intrigue is in the unknown.  Be them happy or sad, bad or good, those moments are what make us feel the most.  We can experience a full range of emotions normally, but the surprises are the highest form.  That is what, in my opinion, drives the human race to excel.  Pushing bounds we never knew existed.

Some people are able to take some solace in their faith, others either don’t share that faith, or are in doubt of it.  So there are people that look forward to surprises and other who fear them.  This manifests itself as anxiety, making some of us too afraid to try much of anything.  Depression heightens the anxiety levels into nearly unmanageable levels.  Lately I have had some pleasant moments a bit less anxious as I take steps out of the depression.

I turn here, to those of you that choose to read my thoughts, to reach out and share.  I feel that many of you understand on so many different levels.  I thank each one of you for reading.  Peace to you and yours.

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Painful realizations

I’ve reach a point in life where my current status quo is intolerable, but pushing forward is going to be a monumental challenge I’m not sure I’m strong enough for.  I can feel the internal struggle.  Part of me wants to be complacent.  I desire for a return to the normal way of life I understood, but every time I consider settling back down, I go through minor panic attacks.  The stress levels I have created for myself, I call my internal Kobayashi Maru.  For those non Star Trek fans, I feel like I have created an unwinnable scenario.  If I stay where I am, I feel like I will suffer an internal collapse that I could not recover from.  The alternative I have set up is to move myself 1200 miles away and re start a college life, while maintaining a full time job, without the direct support of the family that I have devoted my life to supporting.  I understand that it’s all perspective based, but my damaged psyche has trouble filtering the real emotion from the stress induced anxiety bursts.  I can see and understand that both options exists at the same moment.  They are both true and false at the same time.  Time will tell.

an interesting quote

“Destiny rarely calls us at a moment of our choosing.”  After watching Guardians of  the Galaxy 2 for the 2nd time, this time with my father, I thought about that quote, from the 2nd Transformers movie.  It rings true for me.  I feel like the recent chain of events leading to my drastic life change is similar to the quote.  I was content where I was.  I no longer wanted to strive for anything more.  I believed that here in the USA we had real freedom.  I was ok with us struggling to pay our bills from month to month.  Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with what I was doing and how we were living.  By some standards it is luxurious.  But something inside was awaken.  I have not pushed myself since my time in the USAF.  I have only lived within my comfort zone for more than 20 years.  To some this is a fine way to be, to me it is not.

I have, deep down, always wanted to make a difference in this world.  I have to find a way to cure depression.  Not just cover it’s symptoms, but heal the ailment as it exists.  Certain levels of depression are crippling, therefor is reasonable to believe that it does act like a persistent disease.  If it acts like it, it’s possible that there is some type of biological element causing it.  So it should be curable.  There are medicines that relieve the symptoms.  There are herbs that lift it, albeit temporarily.  If it can be manipulated by medicine, it should be healable.  The only reason not to cure it, is that it is more cost effective to treat it.  Just like so many things in the USA medical system.

In my opinion, which is rather obscure to most people, the people of the world should not have to pay for certain things, such as food, medicine, knowledge, and shelter.  These should all be communal necessities, the burden shared by every member.  The profits should be on luxuries such as vehicles, fine dining, travel, entertainment, and other extracurricular activities.  People should work because they choose to, as their purpose in life, not because they need to sell their time to pay to eat, so they can work more, to pay to be treated for ailments caused by working too much, and so on and so forth.  We have been taught to be grateful of our servitude.  “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” In this famous speech, it means the exact opposite of what it sounds like.  JFK’s speech is about the USA leading the world to a better place.  To defend freedom from it’s hour of maximum danger.  It feels like our country and lost it’s way.  He wanted the world to unite.  “Ask not what American will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.”  That is where we were meant to be.  “God’s work must truly be our own.”

Dr. Martin Luther King was another visionary such as Franklin Delano Roosevelt and John F. Kennedy.  He saw beyond what was holding us back.  He stood up, as any hero does, and moved us in the right direction.

All of those men were called upon, by destiny, to sacrifice themselves, their normal lives, for the greater good of humanity.  They are not the only ones, by ANY means, they are simply the ones that I know best.  Maybe I have been called.  Will I ever even know?  Or will my legacy tell my story.  Time will tell us HIS plan.

It is the civic duty of every American to entertain these thoughts.  Remember where we came from.  See the injustice around us.  Stand up against the those injustices.  Be the shelter to the tired, the poor, the yearning masses waiting to breathe free.  We should be proud of what our government stands for.  Instead of bowing our heads and looking away from the corruption of the systems.  We have the power to change it.  We should not be a world divided.  Liberty and Justice should be the right all mankind.  It should also be THEIR right to choose it.

I want to think that my ideals are shared by many, but I know I’m wrong.

 

 

Who are we?

Who are we if not the memories that we tell ourselves?  We say, I am a <insert job here>,  <insert parental status>, <insert mental disorder>, <insert chemical dependency> , <insert past experiences we remember to form who we see in the mirror today>.  What happens when a person has such a clear memory of emotional pain, suffering, regret, sorrow, sadness, and fear, that they have to shut out those memories for fear being overwhelmed?  Does that person ever get to be whole?

I have been watching several thought provoking series lately.  Ones that remind me of the archaic state of mental health “treatments”.  How they used to be barbaric and cruel.  By people who actually believed that you could terrify someone into sanity.  Today, they just fill you with synthetic garbage to block out more than needed.  So many brilliant minds, sleeping through life.  We have been forced to tolerate so much.  That, in and of itself is near maddening.

It feels as though humanity is standing at the precipice.  Allowing so much that should not occur, to keep proliferating itself.  If you want to erase racism, stop making race an issue.  Don’t mention it in stories.  Stop teaching people to keep seeing it where it does not exist.  Why do you think cigarette companies like anti smoking commercials?  Because they continuously talk about smoking.  Reminding people to pay attention to cigarettes.  In similar fashion to the World Wrestling Entertainment company, ANY publicity is good for business.  That means, the more we tolerate racism, the more we spread it.  This goes the same for any differences between people.  There will always be differences, but if you don’t continuously accentuate them, then their meaning is diminished.

 

College at 43

Getting accepted, setting up financing, and finding a place to rent from so far away is an incredible challenge.  Not to mention all the hurdles in each of those steps.

Some days I feel the challenge could be too daunting for me.  I know better, but doubt and depression go hand in hand.  I have been overwhelmed the past couple weeks.  I feel too much, think too much, react too much.  All because I want something more from life.  I don’t want the burden of OCD for the rest of my days.  I have no idea how to stop it, but I have to find out.  There has to be a biological reason that my cells don’t act/react the same as other people.  There also has to be a way to fix that.  Emotions and feelings are cellular reactions.  They are a physical response to stimuli.  Therefor there should be a reasonable way to repair a mis wired or malfunctioning set of molecules.  If depression can be lifted, even temporarily, by any means, then it is logical to believe that mental disorders can be fixed.  Cured.  The body can be healed, I just don’t know how yet.  Some kind of plant?  My favorite theory is the use of nanites to scrub the cells clean and repair any damage.  If they can do that, then they could rewire them to behave normally.  These are the things I think about as I cook at work.  This is what consumes so much of my time lately.  I’m obsessing over having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder…to me, that’s funny.

Peace to you and yours, from me and mine.  I hope your troubles flee from you.  I hope your days go well.  I hope the suns shines on you.

A normal day.

In recent months my life has been a jumble.  My once consistent pattern of routines has been disrupted by the internal need to change.  Change BACK to what I think I should have been, had my depression and OCD not ruled my actions for so long.

Today I am going to try and just have a  normal day.  No stressing about the future or the past.  Lately, when I try to take a day to let my mind rest, I feel guilty.  I feel like I had been at rest for so long, that if I try now, it’s just a total waste.  But a wise friend of mine nudged me a couple weeks ago.  Telling me that even now I need to let stuff go, for short periods of time.  I am paraphrasing, but the meaning is the same.  Even when we went to Skyzone and the go kart place on Sunday, I was constantly thinking about what needed to be done.  On the topic of Sunday, it was the first time my sons had ever driven go karts.  It was amazing fun.

I hope that all of you enjoy your day.  If I can help you, I will:)  Some one pick an ingredient and I’ll write a recipe for it:)

Trust Issues

Just recently I entered a verbal agreement with a local shop owner to sell some of my old collectable cards on consignment.  While for the most part everything seems on the up and up, I am noticing that not every sale is being credited to me.  There is no written agreement, so I cannot press the issue, but I really dislike that anyone would deal in a less than upfront and honest manner.  Most would consider my actions naïve, and while I agree, why can’t people just be honest and trustworthy?  Why is that no longer a trait that is exemplified in our business owners?  Have we as a country fallen so far that the norm is now to cheat, scam, or otherwise screw someone over?

The more I test peoples character, the more disappointment I get to experience.  Our work environment is another mine field of trust issues ranging from dependability to outright having to avoid hostile situations as they occur.  Should we all just give up and treat every person with suspicion?  I don’t want to.  I will continue to naively believe that each person can, when called upon in some manner, rise above what is normal and act in a manner more fitting a civilized society.  I will go out of my way to compliment people.  I will hold doors open for anyone.  I will continue to offer assistance, when the situation is dire.  I have been burned 1000’s of times, but I refuse to give in.  Have a great day, each and every one of you.  Peace to you and yours.

Why I dislike OCD

Because when I try and explain things logically, few people understand.  I don’t want to come to the worst conclusion first, it simply happens.  I don’t want to get wrapped up in nothing, but it happens.  I don’t want to see the world as dark and cold some days, but it happens.  I can’t walk it off.  I can’t shake it off either.  I am not able to chill out on command.  It is part of what plagues my mind. Sucks.

Some days I wonder just how many people have some form of OCD.  Does it trouble them as well?  Do any of you?  Would you tell me, even if you did?  If you do, you are not alone.

Pressing on

Fighting through depression is much like walking off a broken leg.  You can feel the maelstrom raging inside.  I know WHY I’m so rough, but not how to get rid of it so easy.  So many of us know what it’s like.  To me that’s actually heart breaking.  It’s 2017 and we still have to struggle with depression and other seemingly simple mental ailments.  Seems a touch barbaric that all we are trying to do through pharmaceutical means is to just cover the symptoms.  That mindset is archaic at best.  Your leg is broken, if we just stop the bleeding and the pain, you will be just fine.  Sound about right?

I’ve been having troubles with writing lately.  I want to share less and less.  I can feel myself withdrawing and it unnerves me.  Today was Memorial day and there was a nice presentation at our local park.  My son played in the band as  they played music from all of the USA armed forces.  They read off a list of people from the city I live in, who died in service to our country.  Mind you our town is only about 3000ish people.  The list was 10%+ of that number.  Our town was full of patriots and countrymen who saw our country as something great and worth dying for.  Do many still feel that way today?  Do we believe Donald Trump will lead us into our great future?  Do we trust in our nation at all?  Do we trust those we elect to actually do the right thing?  These are all troubling to me lately.  The age we are in is one that seems to get darker all the time.  We war so much, but now I question if we are the good guys.  Are we saving people from tyranny and oppression?  Or are we lining our pockets with blood money?  Best part is, would we believe ANY answer we are given any more?

Some forces even seem to be trying to rip God out of our country, even though we were founded by some pretty devout people.  Not clergymen, but normal people that just believed in a power greater than they were.

All of this from a simple line cook, soon to be student(again).  Peace to you and yours.

Jarred Brown-

 

Fear of success

Lets be honest.  This is a real thing.  Sometimes we even go out of our ways to sabotage our own victories.  I am a small town human.  I have lived in the Midwest in small cities or tiny towns most of my life.  The college I plan on going to is in the greater New York area.  I am almost ashamed to say I’m terrified at the prospect of being in the 9th most populous area in the world.  I am a middle aged man.  I have the tools and will to complete my goals, but my mind works against itself at times.  I don’t get to blame this on OCD or depression.  This is just normal raw apprehension.

I have developed some new smaller goals.  I want to go to Rockefeller Square at Christmas time.  I want to watch a Yankees game in Yankee stadium.  I want to see a show on the greatest stage in the world, Madison Square Garden.

I have not lost sight on my larger goals, but I feel like I need some interim goals.  Things to look forward to.  Until next time.  Peace to you and yours.