Curses foiled again, or not

In the past week I have been personally reconciling my inner self.  Sounds weird, but I have been at odds with myself for some time.  After drudging up so many painful memories I cast myself into deep sadness, regret, and even anger.  It’s been very difficult for me cast aside the things in my life that don’t belong.  Things such as the feeling of not belonging where I am.  I have spent a lot of time just thinking and planning and not really acting.  So I have decided to take on a new hobby, candle making.  The funny part to me is that I have been a butcher, a baker, and now…you see the punchline.

Normally in my past I would have simply gone back to my routine, but I know I have to alter it just a little bit.  I first believed that I needed to shake up everything about myself and my life so that I was not so depressed all the time.  Along that path I have really started to put more effort into where I am.  Dedicating myself to my workplace, doing more activities with my family, and finding a healthier balance of my previous hobbies.  It’s been a real challenge changing internally while causing so much discord with those around me.  I hope they can all forgive me.  I am sorry for all the trouble.

No one ever said having a mid life crisis was easy.  The crisis is over, now I have to clean up my own mess.  Thanks for listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Advertisements

All the pieces

Not sure they’ll all fit

So many parts, so little space

Fragmented self, needed a hit

Wasn’t sure I could keep pace

A mental knock on the noggin, a little wit

Mix with music and family, she’s truly my ace

Do I leave out the parts that make me want to quit

Keep them I say, they keep me in my place

A place I belong, the place I commit

A state of mind so far from this race

The rats almost won, I felt so unfit

I hated so many memories, lost color in my face

Almost thought I was gone, a few steps from split

I write my story, place it in a showcase

So that other won’t feel counterfeit

Our stories only differ in the details, our human race

But we’re all the same, you have to admit

Your pain is my pain, I would embrace

Any person who felt the need to submit

We stand united, the wounded who feel disgrace

Pick your head up with mine, this is it

Don’t relent to the coup de grace

You’re not alone in all this shit

The moral of the story is not common place

We need to heal depression, lickety split

 

 

 

My fear

Every single person feels fear.  No one is immune.  Most animals understand fear.  It is what keeps us alive.  What happens when that fight or flight instinct “stays on” and a person constantly feels the need to fight or flee?  Anxiety happens.

My mental disorder is not unique.  OCD and depression are not my burden alone to bear.  Being abused a child is not unique.  So why is it I get wrapped around the axel about all of this lately?  Because I have buried everything instead of dealing with it.  The years of anger, sadness, and fear were bottled up.  I’m trying to empty that bottle and fill it back up with much better stuff.  In the mean time I have to constantly search for better ways to cope with each stressor.  I used to use tobacco and alcohol as my coping methods, but those were worse than the depression itself.  Then came the medications.  Lately I have been searching for better methods.

The best part of dealing with everything is that my creativity is at an all time high.  From song lyrics and poems to retail ideas for our little shop in Garner, IA.

If you are going through tough times, please don’t give up on yourself.

Once I get through all of this, I hope things clear up inside.  Until then, thanks for listening.  Peace to you and your.

range of emotions

Trying to deal with depression brings up nearly the entire range of emotions.  I’ve been drowned in sadness over the past few days.  That’s the one I put off for a long time.  It can feel overwhelming.  The reasons are broad and varied, but the weight is heavy.  We all remember what makes us sad.  What happens when your mind plays those thoughts on an unwanted loop?  Not sure if it’s the OCD or just dealing with the sadness finally.  I lost the desire to write for several days because of it.

I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  I don’t wanna be broken, but I’m glad it’s me and not someone else.

American Lie

DSCF0313This is gonna be a weird one, a simple parody using Don McLean’s American Pie song as the skeletal framework.

A long long time ago, I can still remember how the music used to make you cry

and you knew if you had once chance, you would stop the people’s dance, and make them believe they where happy for a while

The rap music made you shiver, with every curse word they delivered

Bad news on your door step; we cannot take one more step.

I can remember all the times I cried, when  I read about those blatant lies

But something touched me deep inside, the day the music cried

so bye bye, this American Lie, drive your Chevy round the country ’til the your gas tank runs dry,

Them good ole boys who said you should stay inside, singing that will be the day when you die.

That will be the day that you die.

You click on Facebook things you love, it could be a face upon a glove,

If the media tells you so.

Don’t listen to those frikken trolls, this product saves your immoral soul,

and we sell pills to “make you grow”,

Cause I know that you’re in love with thin, and don’t want to be in a gym

Just kick off your shoes, and take these pills of blue,

You’re a lonely teen feeling out of touch, just take these pills they’re a pick-me-up,

But then we all ran out of luck, the day we allowed them to lie.

Now for some singing,

Bye Bye this America Lie, drive your Chevy ’round the country till the gas tank runs dry,

Them good ole boys are banking that you will die, and singing “this will be the day no one cried”

This will be the day no one cried.

Now for some years we’ve been on our own,

the cats grew fat on your kidney stone,

But that’s not how it’s ‘Sposed to be,

When the jester became the king of mean,

raised the price of his product really obscene,

and a voice that came from Dre and ‘Sky

While The People were feeling down,

they gave us pills to steal that frown,

Our minds started to burn,

Our faith’s been overturned,

and while we learn about the Starks,

the music’s tryin to start a spark

and they spout rhymes to make us arc,

They rap so we can cry.

Even more singing,

bye bye, this American Lie, drive your Chevy ’round the country ’til the gas tank runs dry,

Them good ole’ boys know now that we will not die,

singing “This Won’t be the day that we die”

This won’t be the day that we die.

They made us zombies like horror shamblers,

no cure in sight only brain scramblers,

Eight Mile was a good movie, a blast!

They’ve killed criminals with gas,

even unborn babies don’t get a pass,

feels like we’re next and I think it’s ass.

I think for some it’s now high noon,

Our voices will been heard soon.

This will be our stance,

Oh, this time, there’s a chance,

They will try and make us yield,

But it’s our time on this field,

The world will know what’s been reveal,

The day, we stop these lies.

Yet again sining,

Bye bye, this American Lie, drive your Chevy ’round the country ’till the gas tank runs dry.

Them good ole boys will be the ones who will cry,

singing “This will be the day no one died”

This will be the day no one died.

Oh, and there we were all in one place, a generation lost in space with no time left to start again (this line transcends itself from song to song)

So come on: lets get nimble, must help the sick!

You gave us drugs that broke us, dick

Soon you will be out of friends.

Oh, and as you watch Trump on the stage, your hands all clenched in fists of rage

He was not born in hell, wake up from the spell,

Now that you can see it is time to fight to stop sacrificing our health for pyrite,

We’ll all be laughing with delight,

The day they were allowed to cry.

Jeez more singing,

Bye Bye, this American Lie, the price is to heavy and we don’t want to die.

You good ole boys take a bow swallow your pride.

singing “this will be the day Pharma died”

This will be the day Pharma died.

We ALL have so many blues

we’re ready for some happy news

this time no one turns away.

Now listen to your favorite score,

hear their songs like never before,

No one should tell you what you can play,

Start taking walks, let your smile beam

Watch lovers smile, and share your dream

Where they are spoken,

or rapped or sung while tokin’

You’ll find who you admire most,

Maybe father, son, or the holy ghost,

This is your shot, not a hoax,

The day, you let lies die.

one last time singing,

Bye Bye, this American Lie, no more bullshit claims, even when we drive by.

So good ole boys now it’s time to let fly,

The poisons that made us all blind

The poisons that made us all blind.

Bye Bye, this American Lie, we have suffered long enough and now it’s time so say Bye.

them good ole boys cashing in now should fry,

but we’re not them, it’s time to rest.  bye

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Wonderful Memory

Today, as I enjoyed a variety of songs on Pandora on my Watsky channel I was able to recall 2 very distinct memories.  I would like to share them.

The first was my first kiss, I was rather young, her name was Penny Trip.  I had just moved from my home in Iowa, to a trailer park in Kansas.  She made the move and I was surprised.  She smiled, saying she wanted to know what it was like.  I’m glad she chose me, it was a nice pleasant memory.

The other was the start of my current state of mental chaos and ruin.  Her name will not be spoken.  It was the dawn of internet communication.  I had come to know a girl, totally different than any I had ever met.  The poetic details of this memory could roll on and on.  Mistakes were made, I was betrayed, a debt never repaid, I really got played, sadness in spades.

While working through my depression and learning to get control of my OCD I have had the pleasure/horror of discovering my memory is far too accurate to try and keep anything bottled up.  Some form of eidetic memory that can recall emotional pain and empathy.  Trying to find healing is pushing my limits.  Thanks for listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Observation on Depression

It’s been a rough few weeks, I can’t lie.  I’ve had some very sad and trying times.  The up times have been mirrored by severe downswings.  I have questioned my own existence.  My purpose.  I still can’t figure it out, but I have figured out that the medication I was prescribed could be partially responsible for my depression being highly exacerbated.  I believe either Citalopram Hydrobromide or Duloxetine caused a suppression of the adrenal gland.  I think many of us have had this occur.  Not sure if this helps, but it helps me understand myself by typing it out.  Until next time.

 

Reflections of the Beginning

DSCF0307

This is a real life story, from the moment of realization, of a middle aged man(Jarred J Brown)<that’s me! and his midlife crisis.  The tale will be one of sadness, misery, suffering, and grief, evolving into an eye opening first hand look at the problems in Biomedicine and it’s treatment of mental illnesses.  Illnesses like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Clinical Depression, Anxiety, and many more, which to this day have no cure.  The “victims” of these syndromes are treated to a barrage of Biomeds created to treat only the symptoms, not heal the damage done first.  The proverbial bandage on a broken arm.  I hope you stay with me, ’cause I will be here for all of you.  Whether you know it or not. (no, I did not say stalking, quit that!)

 

That’s my original “mission statement” of my blog.  I reread it today and it holds true still today.  The more I look into the subject of depression I can see that it’s very common now.  There is also a common thread about prescription medication being ineffective or downright harmful, not to mention some can be addictive.  It’s an epidemic that we won’t survive without finding more effective ways of helping each other.

On top of that, it seems like the USA has simple lost it’s mind.  Proverbial of course, but the circumstances of each citizen seems perilous, by our definition.  We have a president that enrages a portion of the populace.  Pharmaceutical companies allowed to dole out drugs that are harmful.  Insurance companies forcing costs up.  A medical system that is profit based with obscene costs for the simplest of care.  Corporations that make choices based on bottom lines, rather than the betterment of society.

That’s the common message delivered to us through internet media.  A consistent barrage that we have to sift through so we can see the actual atrocities and push aside the blatant lies and misleading 1/2 truths.

Thanks for listening.

daily grind

Being back to the grind has really made me challenge my creative side.  When I started my journey just a few months ago my only goal was to leave the current situation I was in.  I wanted to changes jobs, cities, and even be separated from my family for a short time.  What I really think I wanted was a complete internal change.  The only thing holding me back was myself.  I had repainted my life’s mural into only shades of blue and gray.  I had convinced myself that it was my external life that was broken.  The only thing that had been broken was my internal self.  The depression and OCD had become my whole self.  All the while trusting in the Pharmaceutical business to be out for the well being of it’s recipients.  When in fact they are only out for profit.  Anti depressants that make you want to die.  Pain killers that make you addicted to them.  Cures with more horrible side effects than the current malady you have.  It was only nature ways that helped me get to where I am now, which is far from healed, but much farther along the right road.

Some how along the way I become my own worst enemy.  I think there are many people who kind of feel the same way.  Why would there be an entire industry based on curing mental illnesses that only help exacerbate our troubles?  All of our scars are the same depth to one another.  My worst pain is no greater than your worst pain.  They are both of equal in magnitude.  Keep that in mind the next time you feel too low, you are not alone down there, we’re all here for you.  Even without contact the empathy is felt to anyone who feels that down and out.  We don’t know each others names, only each others pains.  The world is listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Invisible Lines

Something different today.

Seems like our lives are encased in invisible lines,

Spaces and boundaries and moments in time,

That’s legal here, but over there it’s not,

I like you near, so near it gets hot,

But don’t talk about this, don’t speak about that,

Don’t tell people that you think they are flat,

Do what we say, follow the rules, stay in the lines,

Wrap yourself in these incorporeal vines,

Myspace, your space, their space, their place,

my place, don’t face, don’t pace, keep pace,

Follow along, hear the song, wait for the gong,

Take a breath and breathe, let rest your mind,

Your mind matters, it just takes time,

Drop the pills pour out the sauce,

Never forget you’re your boss,

The lines only exists if we let them,

Like who you like, even if it’s not men,

Colored lines are the worst, they drive me insane,

As though they were cursed for being in the wrong lane,

We the People need to realize we’re all the same,

People’s lives are not a frakkin’ game,

Stop playing with our health, it’s so lame,

Mental or physical, please treat us right,

No more medication to sleep through a night,

Let our hearts and minds run free once more,

Stop treating us all like that feasting boar,

Gorging yourself on our time causing gore,

The cost is too high, the time is neigh, don’t be shy,

Make yourself fly, sing to the sky, take back your pie,

Not just one slice, not one single piece,

Take the whole thing, it is within reach,

Look for what’s missing to see what’s to gain,

Freedom of speech has had time to explain,

No authority granted permits you spread pain,

So please feel free to drop your cane,

Do not hurt us, it’s inhumane,

Keep your fake cures, your thoughts are inane,

Breaking our minds so you can maintain,

A lifestyle that exceeds even Dr. Dre,

You drain our lives so you can play,

Broke our soul, can’t smoke a bowl,

It took it’s toll, you’re on a roll,

All that you stole, accept your own role,

Let’s take a stroll, dance around the pole,

No I won’t answer another poll,

Our choice was bad or evil,

Which did we choose,

I think it’s a weasel,

Can’t tell yet, that’s clear,

I bet it started at hold my beer,

Watch their reaction, I bet they all cheer,

Cheered and Jeered,

Steered and Smeared,

Red, White and Blue,

Who actually asked you,

Maybe it’s time to shoo,

Hop on that choo-choo

Get the heck back to your nice house,

Stop telling dudes they can’t wear a blouse,

Get us back to reality,

Turn back on the gravity,

Lets feel all the levity,

Realize the brevity,

For real this time, we don’t have an eternity,

Hear the pop now,

Don’t stop now,

Shop now,

Not for stuff and things that are disposable,

Live a life quotable,

Not with the status quo,

It’s not uncontrollable,

You’re the star of the show,

Don’t take a bow until you know,

Make the sun shine, let yourself grow,

It’s never too late to see your own glow,

Thanks for your time, it’s precious I know,

When you struggle at times, remember the flow,

If life gives you lemons, trade them to someone who got limes.

If you don’t like limes, then just keep looking, there’s still time,

Open yourself to a new world sublime,

Where healing is free and almost no crime,

When true hope comes we can relax,

less hax, less tax, less wax, more lax,

some slack, don’t stack, halt the attack,

plant the seed, god speed, please heed,

We need good deed, maybe weed,

don’t impede, no misdeed, are we freed,

Peace for now, I like to say,

Have yourselves one great day.