Curses foiled again, or not

In the past week I have been personally reconciling my inner self.  Sounds weird, but I have been at odds with myself for some time.  After drudging up so many painful memories I cast myself into deep sadness, regret, and even anger.  It’s been very difficult for me cast aside the things in my life that don’t belong.  Things such as the feeling of not belonging where I am.  I have spent a lot of time just thinking and planning and not really acting.  So I have decided to take on a new hobby, candle making.  The funny part to me is that I have been a butcher, a baker, and now…you see the punchline.

Normally in my past I would have simply gone back to my routine, but I know I have to alter it just a little bit.  I first believed that I needed to shake up everything about myself and my life so that I was not so depressed all the time.  Along that path I have really started to put more effort into where I am.  Dedicating myself to my workplace, doing more activities with my family, and finding a healthier balance of my previous hobbies.  It’s been a real challenge changing internally while causing so much discord with those around me.  I hope they can all forgive me.  I am sorry for all the trouble.

No one ever said having a mid life crisis was easy.  The crisis is over, now I have to clean up my own mess.  Thanks for listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

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American Lie

DSCF0313This is gonna be a weird one, a simple parody using Don McLean’s American Pie song as the skeletal framework.

A long long time ago, I can still remember how the music used to make you cry

and you knew if you had once chance, you would stop the people’s dance, and make them believe they where happy for a while

The rap music made you shiver, with every curse word they delivered

Bad news on your door step; we cannot take one more step.

I can remember all the times I cried, when  I read about those blatant lies

But something touched me deep inside, the day the music cried

so bye bye, this American Lie, drive your Chevy round the country ’til the your gas tank runs dry,

Them good ole boys who said you should stay inside, singing that will be the day when you die.

That will be the day that you die.

You click on Facebook things you love, it could be a face upon a glove,

If the media tells you so.

Don’t listen to those frikken trolls, this product saves your immoral soul,

and we sell pills to “make you grow”,

Cause I know that you’re in love with thin, and don’t want to be in a gym

Just kick off your shoes, and take these pills of blue,

You’re a lonely teen feeling out of touch, just take these pills they’re a pick-me-up,

But then we all ran out of luck, the day we allowed them to lie.

Now for some singing,

Bye Bye this America Lie, drive your Chevy ’round the country till the gas tank runs dry,

Them good ole boys are banking that you will die, and singing “this will be the day no one cried”

This will be the day no one cried.

Now for some years we’ve been on our own,

the cats grew fat on your kidney stone,

But that’s not how it’s ‘Sposed to be,

When the jester became the king of mean,

raised the price of his product really obscene,

and a voice that came from Dre and ‘Sky

While The People were feeling down,

they gave us pills to steal that frown,

Our minds started to burn,

Our faith’s been overturned,

and while we learn about the Starks,

the music’s tryin to start a spark

and they spout rhymes to make us arc,

They rap so we can cry.

Even more singing,

bye bye, this American Lie, drive your Chevy ’round the country ’til the gas tank runs dry,

Them good ole’ boys know now that we will not die,

singing “This Won’t be the day that we die”

This won’t be the day that we die.

They made us zombies like horror shamblers,

no cure in sight only brain scramblers,

Eight Mile was a good movie, a blast!

They’ve killed criminals with gas,

even unborn babies don’t get a pass,

feels like we’re next and I think it’s ass.

I think for some it’s now high noon,

Our voices will been heard soon.

This will be our stance,

Oh, this time, there’s a chance,

They will try and make us yield,

But it’s our time on this field,

The world will know what’s been reveal,

The day, we stop these lies.

Yet again sining,

Bye bye, this American Lie, drive your Chevy ’round the country ’till the gas tank runs dry.

Them good ole boys will be the ones who will cry,

singing “This will be the day no one died”

This will be the day no one died.

Oh, and there we were all in one place, a generation lost in space with no time left to start again (this line transcends itself from song to song)

So come on: lets get nimble, must help the sick!

You gave us drugs that broke us, dick

Soon you will be out of friends.

Oh, and as you watch Trump on the stage, your hands all clenched in fists of rage

He was not born in hell, wake up from the spell,

Now that you can see it is time to fight to stop sacrificing our health for pyrite,

We’ll all be laughing with delight,

The day they were allowed to cry.

Jeez more singing,

Bye Bye, this American Lie, the price is to heavy and we don’t want to die.

You good ole boys take a bow swallow your pride.

singing “this will be the day Pharma died”

This will be the day Pharma died.

We ALL have so many blues

we’re ready for some happy news

this time no one turns away.

Now listen to your favorite score,

hear their songs like never before,

No one should tell you what you can play,

Start taking walks, let your smile beam

Watch lovers smile, and share your dream

Where they are spoken,

or rapped or sung while tokin’

You’ll find who you admire most,

Maybe father, son, or the holy ghost,

This is your shot, not a hoax,

The day, you let lies die.

one last time singing,

Bye Bye, this American Lie, no more bullshit claims, even when we drive by.

So good ole boys now it’s time to let fly,

The poisons that made us all blind

The poisons that made us all blind.

Bye Bye, this American Lie, we have suffered long enough and now it’s time so say Bye.

them good ole boys cashing in now should fry,

but we’re not them, it’s time to rest.  bye

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

daily grind

Being back to the grind has really made me challenge my creative side.  When I started my journey just a few months ago my only goal was to leave the current situation I was in.  I wanted to changes jobs, cities, and even be separated from my family for a short time.  What I really think I wanted was a complete internal change.  The only thing holding me back was myself.  I had repainted my life’s mural into only shades of blue and gray.  I had convinced myself that it was my external life that was broken.  The only thing that had been broken was my internal self.  The depression and OCD had become my whole self.  All the while trusting in the Pharmaceutical business to be out for the well being of it’s recipients.  When in fact they are only out for profit.  Anti depressants that make you want to die.  Pain killers that make you addicted to them.  Cures with more horrible side effects than the current malady you have.  It was only nature ways that helped me get to where I am now, which is far from healed, but much farther along the right road.

Some how along the way I become my own worst enemy.  I think there are many people who kind of feel the same way.  Why would there be an entire industry based on curing mental illnesses that only help exacerbate our troubles?  All of our scars are the same depth to one another.  My worst pain is no greater than your worst pain.  They are both of equal in magnitude.  Keep that in mind the next time you feel too low, you are not alone down there, we’re all here for you.  Even without contact the empathy is felt to anyone who feels that down and out.  We don’t know each others names, only each others pains.  The world is listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Helping Ourselves

I think there are a few misconceptions about depression that I would like to talk about tonight.  For some people it’s not a mood or phase.  It’s a life time.  There are great days and terrible days.

Some may think that losing interest in old hobbies or favorite past times is just you growing up.  To those that suffer severe depression it can feel like a loss of self.  Like a piece of you is missing now that you no longer like a certain music genre or book series.  I suffered through this for at least 4 years.  I thought I simply didn’t like or could not look forward to anything anymore.  The main catalyst was the anti anxiety meds I was on.  I have been able to reignite some interests lately, thankfully.  Music, philosophy, psychology, alchemy, and baseball have been topics of great excitement.

A fellow blogger https://cultsurv.blog/ talks about her experiences dealing with deep depression.  Along with several other bloggers I follow and that follow me.  Their internal struggles mirror my own.  Lost of interests is a common theme.  As is the feeling that people don’t understand us.  The depression we are going through is not a simple mood swing.  It’s a life altering disorder that, as I have talked about before, has no true cure yet.  We try clinical psychology(most effective), medication(ineffective), and a slew of different types of healing such as sound therapy, yoga(there are MANY different types now), and more obscure methods.

A terrible sense just washed over me.  People have been cashing in on depression for ages.  Religions, cults, pharmaceutical companies, and some less scrupulous psychologists.

From my own life I can suggest other ideas to help yourself.  The first suggestion will be starting a blog.  Write all of you feelings and ideas down so you can re read them as you struggle.  Vent it all.  Let  your thoughts flow into your hands.  2nd, discover new types of music.  Differing the sounds you expose yourself to will help you slowly shift your perspective.  In eastern philosophy, a person can meditate humming a specific tone.  This helps to focus your inner self.  Listening to music is our western way of accomplishing similar effects.

For me, I went so far as to get a pair of Beat by Dre headphones to experience the music in more detail.  Neither of those ideas costs you a thing.  There are also very few negative side effect.  Side effects include digging up old memories that make you sad, angry, etc.  I’m not claiming this will cure you at all, it might just help you a little.  Without costing you a thing.

Changing your diet may also have positive effects.  Not simply eating healthier, but trying foods outside your normal comfort zones.  Try some more robust flavors beyond the over simplified Salt/Sugar/Fat ratio.  Greek food has a unique bouquet of flavors.  Indian cuisine has been know for it’s high spices levels.  Italian can offer some fantastic varieties as well.

Lastly I would encourage a different type of physical activity.  Try DDP Yoga(personal favorite).  If you are already do Yoga, try walking as well.  Diamond Dallas Page, an ex professional wrestler, developed a yoga program that provides a wider range of activity.  He designed the program to provide physical rehabilitation, strength and endurance training, and body centering yoga.  He’s also a magnificent coach in his videos.  Full of energy and encouragement so you can progress at your own pace.

I’ve listed ways of allowing yourself to change externally, to prepare yourself for the internal alterations that you desire.  It’s stated over and over again, accepting yourself is important.  I am starting to believe that it’s not the first step, it’s one of the last.  It’s a way of looking at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.  Accepting yourself, as we are told so often becomes the goal.  The self actualization.  You might be damaged, but so are we all.  YOU are not damaged beyond repair.  You DO have value.  HAVE faith in yourself.  A CHANCE is all your need to give yourself.

Think about it this way, as I have read before, your mind is a living organism just like the rest of you.  You can rehabilitate it, it’s an unseen physical injury, you just have to figure out your fixes.

Now I just have to get this message out to the rest of us.  Until Next time, peace to you and yours.

Full circle

Had you asked me last March if I would be where I was today, I would have spit venom and said not one chance.  I wanted my life completely changed in every way.  I knew deep down I was living wrong, I just didn’t understand how wrong.  Through a lot of musical meditation, alternative medicine, and introspection I have come to a point of peace in my life.  I feel as though I have reconciled the darkness and the light.  I feel comfortable in my own skin again.  I’m not saying I’m out of the woods yet, just that I can see the forest through the trees now.  I will keep sharing my life story, because I enjoy this type of therapy.  Thanks to each and every like and supportive word from each of you.  Even those that can’t ever reply.  I love you all.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Learning to cope

I have been able to recall most all of the negative factors that I let control my life.  My challenge now is to cope with them and make peace within myself so I can move forward.  When I first met my wife, I learned early on of some dark things that have happened to her.  I had thought I was saving her.  I may have assisted in some ways, but she has, in turn helped save me from myself.  Since she has had to deal with those memories for so long, she is very understanding and supportive of me while I have gone through this breakdown and rebuilding process.

This blog has been a wonderful source of sharing.  I know I have said this before, but for those of you who have not considered writing/reading other peoples blogs, I would suggest you dive in to WordPress for a few minutes.  This is a forum for people from all over the world to share their lives in glorious goriest detail.  It is what reality TV should have been.  It is pure and unscripted life, full of an ocean of emotions.  You can read and see the beautiful things your neighbors perceive.  It make me believe there is a chance for the world to change.  If more people can see that we are all so similar, then we can simply stop acknowledging the divides to push us apart.

As I have been working through my depression and as I learn to cope with OCD, I have delved deep into introspection and philosophy as a means of understanding the how and why of human behavior.  I think that if I can understand myself better, that I can reach out to others and understand them better.  Thus allowing me to find a better way for mass numbers of people to work through their own depression, rather than medicating it with pharmaceutical drugs that do more harm than good, to some.  Now if I can just figure out how to put this all together and make it make sense.  Less people would have to pay to feel better.  Less people would have to spend so much on trying to get healed internally.  They could gain the strength and self confidence that comes from dealing with your issues head on.  Accepting yourself is a long process, but it is possible.

And maybe, just maybe, once the majority realize they can help themselves, then we can reach out to one another.  We can all then start working towards real and lasting peace.  The war machine can take a rest.  We the people can take care of the rest.

I think I’ve said enough for now, I’m just a simple man.  But I swear, if I can reach this point of understanding, anyone can.  I like to believe there is hope again.  So I can start to cope, again.   Cope with a reality that reeks of racism still.  Cope with seeing that sexism just can’t die.  Coping with the fact that sexual assault still assaults our friends and family.  I was hoping this world would be better by now.  I grew up believing that one day all of the petty things that tear us asunder would be nothing but past memories.  Like the scars inside of me.  Like the scars inside of you.  Everyone person in this world is given free will.  Free to take any action.  Free to say any words.  It’s time for the billions and billions of quiet souls to shout now.  Shout at our world itself.  Remind ourselves that we are more than just the sum total of our cell phones and social media accounts.  For a simple man that had enough to say, I guess I sure had more just sitting around in the corners of my mind.  Words that I think might help just one or two people, so they can help a few and so on and so forth until we hear that popcorn sound.

I am inspired to write by artists I listen to and by the stories I’ve read on here.  Along with the wonderful Instagram stories I follow.  I’ve learned that normally the nicest people have the deepest scars, because they don’t want anyone else to feel what they have.  I’ve learned that faith comes in every shape and size.  I’ve learned that people have not forgotten how to be amazing.  From the performers at the Warped Tour, to the magnificent sponsors, to the person who transformed right in front of me in the Watsky line.

There is hope for us all still.

Thanks for listen.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Side note- My wife has been grown her nail tech business very nicely, check her out at https://www.facebook.com/Ladybugsnailsalon/posts/1854932878157668?notif_t=notify_me_page&notif_id=1501253941122608  thanks!

 

 

Obsession at its finest

I get an idea in my head and I won’t let it go.  Right or wrong I ride it out.  Whether I know the end result will only be disappointment or not.  No one sees that side of OCD.  It’s why I’m typing now.  I wanted to go do other things, but I feeling the overwhelming urge to write, to share, to express myself.  I hate suffering  like this, at times.  At other times it’s comforting, the forced repetition.  It brings peace, even if the end result is negative.  The media I have seen on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder displays that obsession of repetition in physically obvious manner, like Michael J. Fox showed us in the show Scrubs season 3 episodes “My Catalyst” and “My Porcelain God”.  In those it shows him washing his hands over and over uncontrollably.  That is what goes on in our minds.  Thoughts that must be seen to completion every time, whether we want them to or not.  It can hurt us in SO many ways.  For me, it’s financially.  My obsession is spending.  Or, to be more specific, instant gratification.  Gambling, needless collectables, and worse, digital goods and game services.  I know my disorder, how to identify it, how to explain it, but not how to control it.  I do know that until I worked through my depression, I would not be able to move forward with trying to tackle OCD.  This blog and especially those of you that read often and show it have been a major catalyst in healing.  I feel I need to share my story, in case someone does not know what’s happening to them.  A type of anchor for the other broken souls, the Disorderlies(not trademarked, just amusing.  You are not trapped in your disorder forever.  There are people, just like me, out there that are looking for ways to help you, and I.

I had planned on sharing my full story that I have uncovered recently or seemingly unearthed, for there are skeletons I would not ever like to see again, but I want to show you my scars.  Maybe if you see mine, you will see you are not forgotten and not unknown.

I was abused both physically and mentally in my early years by a babe sitter and her twin daughters.  I was a latch key kid, alone more often than not.  Later in school years I was bullied and became an outcast.  Although I met some of the best people I have ever know there.  I made a cascade of bad choices.  I tried to right myself by joining the United States Air Force, but I was far too damaged to succeed.  By then my OCD had become a life altering impediment.  I could not stop spending, even knowing I would fail in doing so.  I did not know what was happening to me.  All I knew is that I had failed.  Not really understanding why.  That is also where I met the 4th worst human ever in my life.  She destroyed all that was good and light inside me by cheating on me time after time.  But I was too obsessed with having a relationship to stop seeing her.  She then got pregnant and life got more complicated then I could comprehend.  After nearly a decade of being a dark soul, emotionally hurting people I never wanted to  Only a few true friends remain in my life from those horrible years, that I see as the most fun I have ever had.  Only when I reflect on my actions of those days do I regret some of my choices.  I ripped myself out of that life at age 30, bringing with me my son and soon to be wife.  The going was rough, to say the least, because I as far from healed then.  That’s when my OCD actually helped me through impossible times.  My job has been the ultimate physical repetition.  I stand in the same place I did when I started 13 years ago.  I cook the same food I did all those years ago, with only minor alterations.  It’s how I survived those most depressed years.  It took my mid life crisis striking me earlier this year, just after turning 43, that I have really started dealing with all of the things I have just shared with all of you.  There are layers upon layers to how the depression started to lift and music, family, friends, my job, and a few other things I can’t talk about, yet, have helped me through the darkest hours.  I would have had a complete nervous breakdown, had it not been through constant introspection.  Through that introspection I discovered my complete and total belief in God and his miracles.  I hope by message can help others to break through their own darkness and hopelessness.  I have faith it will, when you are ready to hear it, or rather read it.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

freedom and what it means to me

I think we need to stop attacking our own people. Service members should not be discriminated against. Regardless of race, religion, sex, or gender. Our military should stand for the rights our soldiers die to uphold. Anything less would be treason to our constitution.  How can our government turn it’s back on it’s own people.  It was announced that President Trump has banned transgender people from serving in the military.  If this is real news, this is about as un-American as it gets.  Our entire system has been fighting for the freedoms of citizens.  Our equal opportunity employment views have been widely accepted.  Why now would we take a stand against another group?  Freedom should mean more to each of us than just speaking our minds.  Even if you don’t support their lifestyle, supporting their rights as Americans is critical.  If only I were a louder voice.  Maybe I could rise above the din of discontent.  Equality can have no barrier or limits.  The devil is in the details, as they say.  Once you start peeling away things a single group finds offensive, you strip away that which makes equality thrive.

Vans Wapred Tour 2017

Not so long a go I had lost the desire to do anything I used to enjoy.  I could not have dreamed of going to something as amazing as the Warped Tour my wife and I attended today.  I had not thought of going to such a thing before.  It was such an amazing group of bands that played.  The noise was always loud, not something I’m used to.  More than just the bands, there were activist groups of all manner doling out free information and great organizations whose message is pure and well meaning.  It was a magnificent cultural merger for the music.  The music ranged from the heaviest of metal music all the way to rap artists.  We were among the oldest there, but no one gave mind to it all.  It felt great.

By far my favorite performer is George Watsky.  His songs are some of the best I have heard in the current generation of artists.  The other fans of his were passionate in their fandom.  I recommend his song “Sloppy Seconds” if you are of the mind to hear his music. We were able to meet and greet him twice.  He’s just as down to earth and appreciative of his fans as you might hope for the best of people.

Before I started really looking into working through my depression I could not have done any of the activities I have enjoyed this year.  3 Major League baseball games and 1 massive music festival.    Between the depression and OCD I had collapsed my world into only 2 subject work and home.  Mentally trapping myself in a situation that could be sustained with minimal effort.  I may look into becoming a psychiatrist to help heal people.

My ears are still ringing, but it was worth it.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Overshare

In the beginning of this year I started experiencing my mid life crisis.  On top of that I came to understand that my anti anxiety medication was doing far more harm than good.  The initial shock and realization of the situation I was in had me very alarmed.  I started to franticly search for some exterior stimuli to kick start myself again.  Through the months since then I have come to understand that it was not my exterior that needed changes, it was my interior crying for help.  I have kept the blog since near the start of the internal change.  Many of you have been here from the start.  I cannot say I’m 100%, but I’m well on my way to healing inside.

The next steps are unclear to me.  Not being able to afford college is a set back, so I have to come up with new ideas for moving forward.  I am grateful to God for my recovery.  Without his divine grace I would have shattered some time ago.

I still have dreams of going to the east coast, I simply have to find other routes.  My OCD still has a massive effect on me.  Until I figure out how to control it better, I have to stick to what I know how to do, cooking for a living.   I will continue to study philosophy and psychology without a specific school for now.  The information is out there, I just have to find it.

I know that I have a good life and I am grateful.  I don’t keep writing here just for myself.  I keep pushing because I know there are others out there like me.  We need to find a cure for OCD, not just a workaround.  Thanks for listening today.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.