It’s not knowing

I am in control of so much that goes on in my life.  The routine is only altered when I choose it to.  I think that’s why I am pushing so far out of my comfort zone lately.  The most exhilarating moments are the ones we don’t know that are coming.  The intrigue is in the unknown.  Be them happy or sad, bad or good, those moments are what make us feel the most.  We can experience a full range of emotions normally, but the surprises are the highest form.  That is what, in my opinion, drives the human race to excel.  Pushing bounds we never knew existed.

Some people are able to take some solace in their faith, others either don’t share that faith, or are in doubt of it.  So there are people that look forward to surprises and other who fear them.  This manifests itself as anxiety, making some of us too afraid to try much of anything.  Depression heightens the anxiety levels into nearly unmanageable levels.  Lately I have had some pleasant moments a bit less anxious as I take steps out of the depression.

I turn here, to those of you that choose to read my thoughts, to reach out and share.  I feel that many of you understand on so many different levels.  I thank each one of you for reading.  Peace to you and yours.

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Lyrics that make sense

I was just listening to a great artist, George Watsky.  One of his lines hit home really nicely.  “There’s 7 billion 47 million people on this planet and most of us have the audacity to think that we matter.”  He then follows up later in the song, Tiny Glowing Screens; part 2, with “And I’m celebrating on the weekends because there are 7 billion 47 million people on the planet and I have the audacity to think that I matter, I know it’s a lie, but I prefer it to the alternative.”

I smiled when I heard this song, because it rings very true lately.  I have the audacity to think that I can make a difference in this world.  I have the gall to believe that I was meant for something greater.  I contemplate greatness, because the alternative is just not appealing.  My blog is small, I’m not connected to very many people on my social network, but I want to believe that I can reach the masses one day.  I want to believe that I will make an impact, for the better, on this planet.  God has a plan for me, I don’t know what it is, but I will keep pushing until I have nothing left, then I will push farther until I collapse.  Peace to you and yours!

Painful realizations

I’ve reach a point in life where my current status quo is intolerable, but pushing forward is going to be a monumental challenge I’m not sure I’m strong enough for.  I can feel the internal struggle.  Part of me wants to be complacent.  I desire for a return to the normal way of life I understood, but every time I consider settling back down, I go through minor panic attacks.  The stress levels I have created for myself, I call my internal Kobayashi Maru.  For those non Star Trek fans, I feel like I have created an unwinnable scenario.  If I stay where I am, I feel like I will suffer an internal collapse that I could not recover from.  The alternative I have set up is to move myself 1200 miles away and re start a college life, while maintaining a full time job, without the direct support of the family that I have devoted my life to supporting.  I understand that it’s all perspective based, but my damaged psyche has trouble filtering the real emotion from the stress induced anxiety bursts.  I can see and understand that both options exists at the same moment.  They are both true and false at the same time.  Time will tell.

Ideally

The perfect form of government should be democracy, in theory.  2) Democracy: It is “generally defined as a form of government in which all adult citizens have an equal say in the decisions that affect their lives.”   At least as far as we have known in our lives.  To others, it’s Socialism; political and economic theory of social organization that advocates that the means of production, distribution, and exchange should be owned or regulated by the community as a whole.

We have a far watered down form of democracy than was initially intended and for some unknown reason, socialism scares people.  So where does that leave all of us?  Feeling rather powerless.  We vote, hoping that it means something.  Then someone else comes and makes changes that hurt some while helping others.  Shouldn’t everything that happens in a government of the people, by the people, for the people, actually help all of the people?  It boggles my mind, thinking of how we got here.  Our governments are all doing the best they can with what they have, but we only look to what they do for us.  Too many disillusioned people raging against a machine they built with inaction and complacency.  The generations before us wonder why their system has been changed so much.  Our generation complains about the change.  The next generation is struggling in it’s fight to right the changes that took place that are causing so much damage.

These are just some of the things I ponder about, with too much time on my hands, waiting for the last few pieces to fall into place so I can start schooling.  Hope everyone have a great day.  Peace to you and yours.

an interesting quote

“Destiny rarely calls us at a moment of our choosing.”  After watching Guardians of  the Galaxy 2 for the 2nd time, this time with my father, I thought about that quote, from the 2nd Transformers movie.  It rings true for me.  I feel like the recent chain of events leading to my drastic life change is similar to the quote.  I was content where I was.  I no longer wanted to strive for anything more.  I believed that here in the USA we had real freedom.  I was ok with us struggling to pay our bills from month to month.  Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with what I was doing and how we were living.  By some standards it is luxurious.  But something inside was awaken.  I have not pushed myself since my time in the USAF.  I have only lived within my comfort zone for more than 20 years.  To some this is a fine way to be, to me it is not.

I have, deep down, always wanted to make a difference in this world.  I have to find a way to cure depression.  Not just cover it’s symptoms, but heal the ailment as it exists.  Certain levels of depression are crippling, therefor is reasonable to believe that it does act like a persistent disease.  If it acts like it, it’s possible that there is some type of biological element causing it.  So it should be curable.  There are medicines that relieve the symptoms.  There are herbs that lift it, albeit temporarily.  If it can be manipulated by medicine, it should be healable.  The only reason not to cure it, is that it is more cost effective to treat it.  Just like so many things in the USA medical system.

In my opinion, which is rather obscure to most people, the people of the world should not have to pay for certain things, such as food, medicine, knowledge, and shelter.  These should all be communal necessities, the burden shared by every member.  The profits should be on luxuries such as vehicles, fine dining, travel, entertainment, and other extracurricular activities.  People should work because they choose to, as their purpose in life, not because they need to sell their time to pay to eat, so they can work more, to pay to be treated for ailments caused by working too much, and so on and so forth.  We have been taught to be grateful of our servitude.  “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” In this famous speech, it means the exact opposite of what it sounds like.  JFK’s speech is about the USA leading the world to a better place.  To defend freedom from it’s hour of maximum danger.  It feels like our country and lost it’s way.  He wanted the world to unite.  “Ask not what American will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.”  That is where we were meant to be.  “God’s work must truly be our own.”

Dr. Martin Luther King was another visionary such as Franklin Delano Roosevelt and John F. Kennedy.  He saw beyond what was holding us back.  He stood up, as any hero does, and moved us in the right direction.

All of those men were called upon, by destiny, to sacrifice themselves, their normal lives, for the greater good of humanity.  They are not the only ones, by ANY means, they are simply the ones that I know best.  Maybe I have been called.  Will I ever even know?  Or will my legacy tell my story.  Time will tell us HIS plan.

It is the civic duty of every American to entertain these thoughts.  Remember where we came from.  See the injustice around us.  Stand up against the those injustices.  Be the shelter to the tired, the poor, the yearning masses waiting to breathe free.  We should be proud of what our government stands for.  Instead of bowing our heads and looking away from the corruption of the systems.  We have the power to change it.  We should not be a world divided.  Liberty and Justice should be the right all mankind.  It should also be THEIR right to choose it.

I want to think that my ideals are shared by many, but I know I’m wrong.

 

 

I want to believe

Right off of Fox Mulder’s wall.  But what I want to believe in, is humanity.  I want to believe that we will push towards the utopia that Gene Roddenberry imagined in the Star Trek universe.  That is preached about in many religions.  That world that exists in which there are no adversaries among our own kind.  We stop having such negative thoughts about people that have absolutely no effect on our lives what so ever.  Race, gender, sex, religion, or even age.

I think we are too far from it for me to see it in my lifespan, sadly, but maybe my kids will enjoy it.

This is why I will study philosophy, religion, psychology, and biochemistry.  I want to learn how to understand all the people of the world.  I want to find the similarities that exists in every walk of life.  I choose biochemistry to find the way to finally lift the mass depression that seems to cover so many people.  So that they can learn to dream and believe again too.  It might sound crazy, but I believe anything is possible here on earth.

“Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens.  The sleeper must awaken” – Frank Herbert.

Trust Issues

Just recently I entered a verbal agreement with a local shop owner to sell some of my old collectable cards on consignment.  While for the most part everything seems on the up and up, I am noticing that not every sale is being credited to me.  There is no written agreement, so I cannot press the issue, but I really dislike that anyone would deal in a less than upfront and honest manner.  Most would consider my actions naïve, and while I agree, why can’t people just be honest and trustworthy?  Why is that no longer a trait that is exemplified in our business owners?  Have we as a country fallen so far that the norm is now to cheat, scam, or otherwise screw someone over?

The more I test peoples character, the more disappointment I get to experience.  Our work environment is another mine field of trust issues ranging from dependability to outright having to avoid hostile situations as they occur.  Should we all just give up and treat every person with suspicion?  I don’t want to.  I will continue to naively believe that each person can, when called upon in some manner, rise above what is normal and act in a manner more fitting a civilized society.  I will go out of my way to compliment people.  I will hold doors open for anyone.  I will continue to offer assistance, when the situation is dire.  I have been burned 1000’s of times, but I refuse to give in.  Have a great day, each and every one of you.  Peace to you and yours.

an odd coincidence

My favorite Netflix original got cancelled today.  Sense8.  Read this article: http://www.msn.com/en-us/tv/news/%E2%80%98sense8%E2%80%99-cancellation-makes-twitter-lose-its-mind-%E2%80%93-especially-on-day-1-of-pride-month/ar-BBBMT23?li=BBmkt5R&ocid=spartandhp

if you would like to see an opinion of why.  I happen to think there is no such thing as coincidence.  Cancelling a show that feature truest equality all across the board on the day a LGBT pride month starts.  That is quite a loud message, in my opinion.  I’m ready to see the future we all believed in.  Where everyone was equal, just like it says.  No lines, no mention of race, sex, gender, or religion.  Just us, the human race, treating each other as equals.  Respectful, polite, courteous, and even helpful.  There should be no “coincidence” about this subject.

I really hope I’m not alone in this.  Every person is the same, in a manner.  How can we not treat each the same.  Fairness, Karma, Justice.  Every person should be identified by their name and attitude.  No other factor matters at the point of first contact.  Even beyond that, a preconceived idea about a person based on information gained from any other person of similar feature is wrong.  Their personal life beyond the moment of contact is irrelevant to any other person at any other time.  If they like something you don’t, it’s not your concern.  If you make it your concern, you are wrong.  You can choose to never associate with any undesirable human.  We have to return to reason, because what I see going on lately, is unreasonable.

 

Pressing on

Fighting through depression is much like walking off a broken leg.  You can feel the maelstrom raging inside.  I know WHY I’m so rough, but not how to get rid of it so easy.  So many of us know what it’s like.  To me that’s actually heart breaking.  It’s 2017 and we still have to struggle with depression and other seemingly simple mental ailments.  Seems a touch barbaric that all we are trying to do through pharmaceutical means is to just cover the symptoms.  That mindset is archaic at best.  Your leg is broken, if we just stop the bleeding and the pain, you will be just fine.  Sound about right?

I’ve been having troubles with writing lately.  I want to share less and less.  I can feel myself withdrawing and it unnerves me.  Today was Memorial day and there was a nice presentation at our local park.  My son played in the band as  they played music from all of the USA armed forces.  They read off a list of people from the city I live in, who died in service to our country.  Mind you our town is only about 3000ish people.  The list was 10%+ of that number.  Our town was full of patriots and countrymen who saw our country as something great and worth dying for.  Do many still feel that way today?  Do we believe Donald Trump will lead us into our great future?  Do we trust in our nation at all?  Do we trust those we elect to actually do the right thing?  These are all troubling to me lately.  The age we are in is one that seems to get darker all the time.  We war so much, but now I question if we are the good guys.  Are we saving people from tyranny and oppression?  Or are we lining our pockets with blood money?  Best part is, would we believe ANY answer we are given any more?

Some forces even seem to be trying to rip God out of our country, even though we were founded by some pretty devout people.  Not clergymen, but normal people that just believed in a power greater than they were.

All of this from a simple line cook, soon to be student(again).  Peace to you and yours.

Jarred Brown-

 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; part me

One of my many hurdles is the OCD.  This last round is especially challenging.  Once an obsession passes, the previous point of interest is completely forgotten even to the point of being disinteresting.  I started my blog on one such obsessive moments.  I find it challenging to come back and continue writing.  But, part of my current depression treatment is really helping me observe and take action when I realize the OCD is “in control”.  For those that don’t suffer from or have heard of OCD it’s very difficult for me to describe.  I tell people, I think of the worst possible outcome to every single scenario I have ever thought of.  I tell them about the internal pointless rage.  I tell them about the lack of impulse control.  I explain that Obsessive is just that, but it’s just as easy to forget that obsession.  Unless you live it, it could be hard to grasp.  I lived for 41 years before knowing that I was dealing with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I had to do my own research into the all of the mental symptoms, but the physical repetition was easy to spot.  In 1995 the US Air Force wrote in a side note that I was Obsessive Compulsive.  I was not told what that meant.  I was not treated.  I was discarded without further explanation due to previous infractions brought on by the disorder.  I didn’t even know that what they did was ethically questionable.  I was swept away so quick I was denied by Montgomery GI Bill due to a length of service violation.  I had a disorder that they didn’t know how to handle, so I was booted and forgotten without even knowing what Obsessive Compulsive meant. Let alone that it was a disorder that has no cure.  This realization hurts.  I am going to go back to school this fall in order to help prevent my story from ever being repeated.  That’s been my plan all along, but I forget what I’m doing at times.  The faded obsession in easily forgotten.  Lucky for me I have this Blog, and all of you that stop by, to help remind me.  A life goal is not a passing obsession.  I can push and complete it, without fearing loss of interest.  I worry every day that I will simply fall back to my old habits and forget that I have to find a cure.  Depression first, then Anxiety, and then mental disorders like OCD.  If you know what it’s like, any word I have said, then you are not alone.