Full circle

Had you asked me last March if I would be where I was today, I would have spit venom and said not one chance.  I wanted my life completely changed in every way.  I knew deep down I was living wrong, I just didn’t understand how wrong.  Through a lot of musical meditation, alternative medicine, and introspection I have come to a point of peace in my life.  I feel as though I have reconciled the darkness and the light.  I feel comfortable in my own skin again.  I’m not saying I’m out of the woods yet, just that I can see the forest through the trees now.  I will keep sharing my life story, because I enjoy this type of therapy.  Thanks to each and every like and supportive word from each of you.  Even those that can’t ever reply.  I love you all.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

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Learning to cope

I have been able to recall most all of the negative factors that I let control my life.  My challenge now is to cope with them and make peace within myself so I can move forward.  When I first met my wife, I learned early on of some dark things that have happened to her.  I had thought I was saving her.  I may have assisted in some ways, but she has, in turn helped save me from myself.  Since she has had to deal with those memories for so long, she is very understanding and supportive of me while I have gone through this breakdown and rebuilding process.

This blog has been a wonderful source of sharing.  I know I have said this before, but for those of you who have not considered writing/reading other peoples blogs, I would suggest you dive in to WordPress for a few minutes.  This is a forum for people from all over the world to share their lives in glorious goriest detail.  It is what reality TV should have been.  It is pure and unscripted life, full of an ocean of emotions.  You can read and see the beautiful things your neighbors perceive.  It make me believe there is a chance for the world to change.  If more people can see that we are all so similar, then we can simply stop acknowledging the divides to push us apart.

As I have been working through my depression and as I learn to cope with OCD, I have delved deep into introspection and philosophy as a means of understanding the how and why of human behavior.  I think that if I can understand myself better, that I can reach out to others and understand them better.  Thus allowing me to find a better way for mass numbers of people to work through their own depression, rather than medicating it with pharmaceutical drugs that do more harm than good, to some.  Now if I can just figure out how to put this all together and make it make sense.  Less people would have to pay to feel better.  Less people would have to spend so much on trying to get healed internally.  They could gain the strength and self confidence that comes from dealing with your issues head on.  Accepting yourself is a long process, but it is possible.

And maybe, just maybe, once the majority realize they can help themselves, then we can reach out to one another.  We can all then start working towards real and lasting peace.  The war machine can take a rest.  We the people can take care of the rest.

I think I’ve said enough for now, I’m just a simple man.  But I swear, if I can reach this point of understanding, anyone can.  I like to believe there is hope again.  So I can start to cope, again.   Cope with a reality that reeks of racism still.  Cope with seeing that sexism just can’t die.  Coping with the fact that sexual assault still assaults our friends and family.  I was hoping this world would be better by now.  I grew up believing that one day all of the petty things that tear us asunder would be nothing but past memories.  Like the scars inside of me.  Like the scars inside of you.  Everyone person in this world is given free will.  Free to take any action.  Free to say any words.  It’s time for the billions and billions of quiet souls to shout now.  Shout at our world itself.  Remind ourselves that we are more than just the sum total of our cell phones and social media accounts.  For a simple man that had enough to say, I guess I sure had more just sitting around in the corners of my mind.  Words that I think might help just one or two people, so they can help a few and so on and so forth until we hear that popcorn sound.

I am inspired to write by artists I listen to and by the stories I’ve read on here.  Along with the wonderful Instagram stories I follow.  I’ve learned that normally the nicest people have the deepest scars, because they don’t want anyone else to feel what they have.  I’ve learned that faith comes in every shape and size.  I’ve learned that people have not forgotten how to be amazing.  From the performers at the Warped Tour, to the magnificent sponsors, to the person who transformed right in front of me in the Watsky line.

There is hope for us all still.

Thanks for listen.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Side note- My wife has been grown her nail tech business very nicely, check her out at https://www.facebook.com/Ladybugsnailsalon/posts/1854932878157668?notif_t=notify_me_page&notif_id=1501253941122608  thanks!

 

 

Obsession at its finest

I get an idea in my head and I won’t let it go.  Right or wrong I ride it out.  Whether I know the end result will only be disappointment or not.  No one sees that side of OCD.  It’s why I’m typing now.  I wanted to go do other things, but I feeling the overwhelming urge to write, to share, to express myself.  I hate suffering  like this, at times.  At other times it’s comforting, the forced repetition.  It brings peace, even if the end result is negative.  The media I have seen on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder displays that obsession of repetition in physically obvious manner, like Michael J. Fox showed us in the show Scrubs season 3 episodes “My Catalyst” and “My Porcelain God”.  In those it shows him washing his hands over and over uncontrollably.  That is what goes on in our minds.  Thoughts that must be seen to completion every time, whether we want them to or not.  It can hurt us in SO many ways.  For me, it’s financially.  My obsession is spending.  Or, to be more specific, instant gratification.  Gambling, needless collectables, and worse, digital goods and game services.  I know my disorder, how to identify it, how to explain it, but not how to control it.  I do know that until I worked through my depression, I would not be able to move forward with trying to tackle OCD.  This blog and especially those of you that read often and show it have been a major catalyst in healing.  I feel I need to share my story, in case someone does not know what’s happening to them.  A type of anchor for the other broken souls, the Disorderlies(not trademarked, just amusing.  You are not trapped in your disorder forever.  There are people, just like me, out there that are looking for ways to help you, and I.

I had planned on sharing my full story that I have uncovered recently or seemingly unearthed, for there are skeletons I would not ever like to see again, but I want to show you my scars.  Maybe if you see mine, you will see you are not forgotten and not unknown.

I was abused both physically and mentally in my early years by a babe sitter and her twin daughters.  I was a latch key kid, alone more often than not.  Later in school years I was bullied and became an outcast.  Although I met some of the best people I have ever know there.  I made a cascade of bad choices.  I tried to right myself by joining the United States Air Force, but I was far too damaged to succeed.  By then my OCD had become a life altering impediment.  I could not stop spending, even knowing I would fail in doing so.  I did not know what was happening to me.  All I knew is that I had failed.  Not really understanding why.  That is also where I met the 4th worst human ever in my life.  She destroyed all that was good and light inside me by cheating on me time after time.  But I was too obsessed with having a relationship to stop seeing her.  She then got pregnant and life got more complicated then I could comprehend.  After nearly a decade of being a dark soul, emotionally hurting people I never wanted to  Only a few true friends remain in my life from those horrible years, that I see as the most fun I have ever had.  Only when I reflect on my actions of those days do I regret some of my choices.  I ripped myself out of that life at age 30, bringing with me my son and soon to be wife.  The going was rough, to say the least, because I as far from healed then.  That’s when my OCD actually helped me through impossible times.  My job has been the ultimate physical repetition.  I stand in the same place I did when I started 13 years ago.  I cook the same food I did all those years ago, with only minor alterations.  It’s how I survived those most depressed years.  It took my mid life crisis striking me earlier this year, just after turning 43, that I have really started dealing with all of the things I have just shared with all of you.  There are layers upon layers to how the depression started to lift and music, family, friends, my job, and a few other things I can’t talk about, yet, have helped me through the darkest hours.  I would have had a complete nervous breakdown, had it not been through constant introspection.  Through that introspection I discovered my complete and total belief in God and his miracles.  I hope by message can help others to break through their own darkness and hopelessness.  I have faith it will, when you are ready to hear it, or rather read it.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Overshare

In the beginning of this year I started experiencing my mid life crisis.  On top of that I came to understand that my anti anxiety medication was doing far more harm than good.  The initial shock and realization of the situation I was in had me very alarmed.  I started to franticly search for some exterior stimuli to kick start myself again.  Through the months since then I have come to understand that it was not my exterior that needed changes, it was my interior crying for help.  I have kept the blog since near the start of the internal change.  Many of you have been here from the start.  I cannot say I’m 100%, but I’m well on my way to healing inside.

The next steps are unclear to me.  Not being able to afford college is a set back, so I have to come up with new ideas for moving forward.  I am grateful to God for my recovery.  Without his divine grace I would have shattered some time ago.

I still have dreams of going to the east coast, I simply have to find other routes.  My OCD still has a massive effect on me.  Until I figure out how to control it better, I have to stick to what I know how to do, cooking for a living.   I will continue to study philosophy and psychology without a specific school for now.  The information is out there, I just have to find it.

I know that I have a good life and I am grateful.  I don’t keep writing here just for myself.  I keep pushing because I know there are others out there like me.  We need to find a cure for OCD, not just a workaround.  Thanks for listening today.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

a little break

I took a couple days off to focus fully on my family.  It was a fantastic vacation for us.  We enjoyed the Mall of America in Minneapolis, MN.  We also were able to watch the New York Yankees take on the Minnesota Twins!  All in all it was a great time.

We pushed ourselves and took in as much as we could in a small time.  As much fun as it was, with all the mental strain lately I started to let little irritations get to me again.  It was a reminder that even though I am working through all the issues, they are far from gone.

One of the wonderful things I had notices was the diversity of people at the Mall of America.  The last time we visited was quite a while ago, the mall was filled with consumers buzzing around to purchase things.  This round people seemed to be there for some more social aspects.  It was a nice experience.

I hope everyone is doing well.  Don’t forget, you are not alone.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

OCD Revelations

One of the really great and wonderful things that has occurred lately is that while working through my depression, OCD, and midlife crisis have opened my eyes to things I had overlooked.  Like showing my wife more appreciation and admitting to when I am wrong.  There is more to it, but that’s private.

I have been searching WordPress for other people that suffer from OCD.  So many similarities between us, but one constant.  There is no cure yet.  Being “cursed” with a mental disorder is alarming to most of us.  Those that discover it later in life are able to make past instances more understandable as far as mental well being is concerned.  Some anxiety and depression are lifted, since an open understanding of the constant flow of internalized negative thoughts is reasoned to be the disorder and not some believed deserved punishment from past or present transgressions.  I am also finding that some cases of OCD manifests itself in the form of constantly repeating an action or activity for minutes/hours/years.  I am seeing some of these cases are “triggered” by a significantly distressful ordeal that in effect overloads the mind and causes a constant flow of repeated messages in order to bypass the mental trauma.

In my case it started in part very early as a block to the abuse that was done to me by a babysitter.  Followed by being bullied and tormented in school and beyond for no good reason.  The greatest blow was being betrayed by my daughter’s mother, but the disorder was already present and doing it’s damage by them.  Only through deep introspection have I been able to put all the pieces together, with a lot of prayer and reliance on friends and family to bear with me while this was all going on.

This leads me to my latest decision to be made.  Do I continue on my path to study Philosophy, as a means to understand the various past ideas of healing the body through unusual means or pursuing phycology to assist with the direct intervention of fellow troubled souls.

Thanks for stopping by.  Peace to you and yours.

a fear of mine

While dealing with things as per normal, I begin to understand myself a bit better.  I have started to become fearful of moving forward.  My mental paradigm is so ingrained that I fear it’s changing.  It manifests itself in many ways.  I have fear that I won’t find a job in CT.  I fear that I won’t find a place to stay in New Haven.  I fear that I have been out of school long enough to not understand the current ebb and flow of the education system.  Each of those worries are valid and must be addressed, but not be allowed to stop my from trying to press on.  One of the scariest things about relieving depression is how to be, internally, after it.

I’ve been so depressed for so long, I don’t know who I truly am any more.  Am I the eager drama student of 1989?  Am I the college drop out of 1993.  Am I the disgraced soldier of 1995?  Or maybe I’m the lost and broken soul of 2001.  Am I the hopeful father of 2008?  Am I the burnt out chef of 2017?  I am parts of all of them.  Each fragment coming together to show me a picture of my current self.  Recovering from severe long standing depression and currently fighting Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I am hopeful of my future.  I hope I can help yours too.  Peace to you and yours.

What do you see?

Here is a good one.  When you look at the world, what do you see?  Countries, economies, and armies?  Hollywood, Bollywood, or Broadway?  Buildings built by our predecessors for us  to inhabit until we die and pass them on to the next?  Do you see the population as friends, strangers, enemies, or family?  I see us as one.  We are all connected, but there are powers that be that force wedges between us.  We are all humans on the same planet, our perceptions vary, but we’re all here.  The sky is the same, the earth is the same.  Small minded people will argue semantics of sky sections or dirt/rock/sand types.  In the end we are all just people trying to understand our place in the chaotic existence.  I believe some find solace in not looking so far into the meaning of it all.  We should all be sharing our resources and knowledge for the betterment of humankind.  Nothing beyond that should matter, but we fill up our time making reasons to be bothered by the inconsequential.  I guess I’m not saying to love one another, just don’t bother hating anyone.  There exists so many saying, phrases, and statements that say something similar I know I’m not alone in this.

Lyrics that make sense

I was just listening to a great artist, George Watsky.  One of his lines hit home really nicely.  “There’s 7 billion 47 million people on this planet and most of us have the audacity to think that we matter.”  He then follows up later in the song, Tiny Glowing Screens; part 2, with “And I’m celebrating on the weekends because there are 7 billion 47 million people on the planet and I have the audacity to think that I matter, I know it’s a lie, but I prefer it to the alternative.”

I smiled when I heard this song, because it rings very true lately.  I have the audacity to think that I can make a difference in this world.  I have the gall to believe that I was meant for something greater.  I contemplate greatness, because the alternative is just not appealing.  My blog is small, I’m not connected to very many people on my social network, but I want to believe that I can reach the masses one day.  I want to believe that I will make an impact, for the better, on this planet.  God has a plan for me, I don’t know what it is, but I will keep pushing until I have nothing left, then I will push farther until I collapse.  Peace to you and yours!

Painful realizations

I’ve reach a point in life where my current status quo is intolerable, but pushing forward is going to be a monumental challenge I’m not sure I’m strong enough for.  I can feel the internal struggle.  Part of me wants to be complacent.  I desire for a return to the normal way of life I understood, but every time I consider settling back down, I go through minor panic attacks.  The stress levels I have created for myself, I call my internal Kobayashi Maru.  For those non Star Trek fans, I feel like I have created an unwinnable scenario.  If I stay where I am, I feel like I will suffer an internal collapse that I could not recover from.  The alternative I have set up is to move myself 1200 miles away and re start a college life, while maintaining a full time job, without the direct support of the family that I have devoted my life to supporting.  I understand that it’s all perspective based, but my damaged psyche has trouble filtering the real emotion from the stress induced anxiety bursts.  I can see and understand that both options exists at the same moment.  They are both true and false at the same time.  Time will tell.