Some Days

Some days are far more challenging that others.  I feel the grip of fear.  It instills panic deep within.  My fight or flight response is triggered.  I want to run.  Or just hide away from a world that could be so wonderful, but many of us have lost that hope.  We’ve been down so long that getting up feels harder every day.  All the plans we make and hopes we have can be stopped by 1 person.  Ourselves.  Many introspective hours were spent yesterday trying to figure out if I can actually follow through with the plan I have been building.  Today the fear of my current paradigm of failure is shaking my resolve.

I scream inside my own mind.  Why shoot for the moon when you will just end up lost in the darkness?  I’ve written this out several ways.  One of the saddest issues I have had in dealing with OCD is the sudden disinterest of so many things.  I become internally paralyzed by the fear that trying will simply result in the same feelings.  I will try and describe it.  Think of something you really like, say for instance cars.  You are really invested emotionally and financially in your car collection.  You wake up one day and for seemingly no reason, you no longer want to have anything to do with your collection.  All that time, effort, and energy spent.  Now, imagine that happening to all manner of things in your life for years and years.  Once the obsession passes, it’s almost repulsive to consider liking something again.  I can see that some of this is caused by depression, others just natural ebb and flow.  I don’t know how to overcome this current malaise, but I will keep trying.  Peace to you and yours.

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Fear of success

Lets be honest.  This is a real thing.  Sometimes we even go out of our ways to sabotage our own victories.  I am a small town human.  I have lived in the Midwest in small cities or tiny towns most of my life.  The college I plan on going to is in the greater New York area.  I am almost ashamed to say I’m terrified at the prospect of being in the 9th most populous area in the world.  I am a middle aged man.  I have the tools and will to complete my goals, but my mind works against itself at times.  I don’t get to blame this on OCD or depression.  This is just normal raw apprehension.

I have developed some new smaller goals.  I want to go to Rockefeller Square at Christmas time.  I want to watch a Yankees game in Yankee stadium.  I want to see a show on the greatest stage in the world, Madison Square Garden.

I have not lost sight on my larger goals, but I feel like I need some interim goals.  Things to look forward to.  Until next time.  Peace to you and yours.