College at 43

Getting accepted, setting up financing, and finding a place to rent from so far away is an incredible challenge.  Not to mention all the hurdles in each of those steps.

Some days I feel the challenge could be too daunting for me.  I know better, but doubt and depression go hand in hand.  I have been overwhelmed the past couple weeks.  I feel too much, think too much, react too much.  All because I want something more from life.  I don’t want the burden of OCD for the rest of my days.  I have no idea how to stop it, but I have to find out.  There has to be a biological reason that my cells don’t act/react the same as other people.  There also has to be a way to fix that.  Emotions and feelings are cellular reactions.  They are a physical response to stimuli.  Therefor there should be a reasonable way to repair a mis wired or malfunctioning set of molecules.  If depression can be lifted, even temporarily, by any means, then it is logical to believe that mental disorders can be fixed.  Cured.  The body can be healed, I just don’t know how yet.  Some kind of plant?  My favorite theory is the use of nanites to scrub the cells clean and repair any damage.  If they can do that, then they could rewire them to behave normally.  These are the things I think about as I cook at work.  This is what consumes so much of my time lately.  I’m obsessing over having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder…to me, that’s funny.

Peace to you and yours, from me and mine.  I hope your troubles flee from you.  I hope your days go well.  I hope the suns shines on you.

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The Future is Now.

This will be part of the mission statement of my Biotech company that I will build, one day.  Lead by a board of directors that focus on morals and ethics, rather than bottom lines.  I will create a company focused on healing the human body.  With branches in entertainment and luxury for income.  Also perhaps a defense branch, because we still live in a violent world.  This is my goal.  My dream.  It will focus on R&D of Biochemical, Biomedical, and Biomechanical means of repairing the human body.

For now though, I have to go be a chef:)  Have a wonderful day.                                                -Jarred Brown, dreamer and idealist.

We are all gifted.

My gifts are creativity, imagination, compassion, empathy, humor, and hope.  My hope is that we won’t stay in our current depressed state for much longer.  Every day is a step closer.

What are yours?  Your words?  Your actions?  We all have them, we don’t always acknowledge them.  Can you smile even though the pain is overwhelming?  Can you keep a stiff upper lip in a battle you don’t feel you can win?  Do you go out of your way to make others feel good?  Make them laugh?  Do you stand up every day, even though all you want to do is not move?  You are not alone in your struggles.

This message was not for everyone, but there are a few that need to hear it now.  Thanks for reading!

I like you!

I like when you stop by.  I like when you take your time to visit me.  We don’t know each other yet.  My story is an interesting one, in my mind.  The fact that a single one of you stops by to read and reach out is so amazing.  The ones with messages, BBB and CM, thanks for choosing to be my friend.  I hope you find peace in your days.  Reach out of me if you are ever in need, for real.  I will try and help.  We are all one species.  One race.  There is little difference between us, if you really think about it.  We are men and women.  Some are both.  Some are different shades of human.  Yet we all struggle with things.  Not the same things, but our feelings are similar.  We all hurt, we all cry, we all feel courage when we need it.  We look to our heroes in times of need.  We all, each of us, can stand as a beacon in the darkness.  You are not alone out there.  My troubles by seem trivial to some, but they are the hardest things I will ever know.  Yours are just as real, just as important.  Every time you cry, we are all here.  There are times when I want to lay down and sleep it all away.  I am tired.  I don’t know if I have what it takes.  I will never know unless I take that leap of faith.  It’s crazy of me to pick up and go to school in CT, but it feels like the right thing to do.  I have so much to learn and it seems like the best place to start.  I worry constantly.  Just like the rest of you.  Will we make it?  Who knows.  But I will keep pushing, so that one day no one will know what it’s like to have OCD.  One day the world won’t be so depressed.  There is always hope.  There is always light.  Each one of us has it within.  We just have to share it.  One candle is nice.  All of them can light up the world.

Sunrise

I used to consider myself a night person.  I have worked 2nd shift for the past greater part of my working life.  Now, after all these years, I want to see the sun rise instead of set.  I want to feel the remembered sensations of cool morning breezes.  The sound of the world coming awake again.  It might sounds cheesy, but if you only saw the night time for the greater part of your existence, what might you think?  I bet you would think the difference in night and day…  Everyday I work through past pains and bridge the gaps between then and now.  Allowing myself to feel less compartmentalized.  The troubles with OCD and eidetic memory is that the emotional pain is as real and painful right now, as it was back then.  Can you imagine what it’s like to feel the pain of loss, heart break, or humiliation without provocation?  After a while, you stomp that out, because it hurts too much.  What happens is you transition it directly to anger, fear, or rage.  So your thoughts, without notice, are suddenly violent, terrified, or worse.  You have NO control over when this happens.  Every scenario, every day, every waking moment.  You think that it’s normal, then you think you are WAY to broken to be fixed.  Medical Doctors prescribed an anti depressant and anti anxiety medication.  This did little but to suppress the feelings, saving them up for a later, near fatal, meltdown.  Thanks to God the meltdown was not fatal.  This is why I will continue to fight.  These are the things I would not wish upon my worst enemies.  This is why I am going back to school this fall.  I just hope I can afford it.  You are not alone.  I am with you, in spirit, my friends.  Your depression will not consume you.  I won’t give up on us.

Another moment of doubt

I’m sitting here, nearly paralyzed with fear.  Not fear of failure, a fear of succeeding.  The past few months have been a maelstrom of highs and lows.  Picture yourself in a galleon at sea in a storm.  I feel as though I am only in eye of the storm, waiting for another massive blast depression.  I have not stopped to consider that the storm just might be over.  I do not believe in myself enough to stop for a moment and believe it will work out in my favor(resulting in a benefit to many of us that suffer from depression, anxiety, and other disorders).  These are the reasons I push myself just a little bit more every day.  I feel alone.  When I finally remember that there are so many others like me.  Paralyzed by “clogged” cells.  Depression is brutal.  OCD makes it worse.  That all causes so much anxiety I just sit here typing.  I’m not the only one.  Neither are you.

Time to push a little harder today.

Hope; the next frontier

One of the greatest gifts we have ever had is hope.  It drives us, motivates us, and comforts us through our toughest times.  When you mix equal parts hope and determination(I know there is a ton more, but poetic license keeps it shorter) you get the core of human success.  We have within us, the ability to change the world we live in.  Be it in small ways, like treating one another better or in huge ways, like dedicating oneself to the betterment of all mankind.  I see so many different people stop by and read a thing or two I have written and it give me hope, helps fuel my determination, and motivates me to keep pushing towards the goal of healing whom I can.

I watch an interesting program last night, Bill Nye Saves the World.  Last night was an episode of interest.  He and his fellow cast members spoke about holistic healing(the very subject I am just starting to delve in to).  There are SO many charlatans of all types out there that wish to pervert this cause.  Seeking only to make themselves wealthy off of human hope and fear.  Holistic healing should never cost people.  If it’s all natural, then why would you charge anyone(greed is the only answer)?  I understand research costs money, but human lives are beyond monetary value, so exploiting their health and well being for profit is despicable.  There has to be a better way, the time is now to find it.  Keep the faith everyone.  We are not alone in believing that every human is of the same worth we are.

I had a fun thought today.  What if our answers somehow are connected with technology?  Perhaps Biochemical, Biomedical, and Biomechanical can all work in unison to heal a human body, rather than just treat symptoms.  I will have to look into this.DSCF0313

 

Field Trip!

Today is our first day home after my son’s field trip to Washington DC.  I will attempt to do justice to everything we saw and experienced!

Our first day was that of near madness!  Starting our travels in the middle of the night we took bus and plane to reach our destination.  The only rest we all had was what little bits we got on rides and short layover.  It was an amazing whirlwind of excitement for most everyone.  For so many of the kids it was their first plane ride!  I did not expect what would come next.  Every single time they children were called upon to respect the rules at all of the memorials they were so well behaved!  We visited several great points of interest including but not limited to Mt. Vernon, The White House, the Capitol building and most of the memorials.  Also included were several of the Smithsonian museums.  Each group of us consisted of 2 adults and 4-5 students.  Our group had a magnificent variety of interested from sports to the sciences!  All of them were eager to share their interested with each other AND myself.  I felt very good that they would share that with me.  We had enough time at each museum for each student in our group to select their top choice.  The pace was hurried, but we managed to get a bit of each.

I was impressed by how easily they adapted to their surroundings.  Even the most challenging students fell in line when requested.

My favorite moments were in this order; Best moments was my sons first time in an aircraft simulator in the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum.  It was a full 360 experience.  We had such a great time.  My son opted to keep one of the photos they took.  Which happened to be the first time we were upside down!  2nd was seeing the USS Enterprise model.

My 2nd favorite was the memorial of Franklin D. Roosevelt.  I will post the quotes of his that I loved, once I get them all downloaded.  I think he will be my newest inspiration for pushing forward.  This humble man seems like how I feel.  I have much I want to offer people as far as my desire to cure mental illnesses and healing our country overall.  I am continuing to seek out ways to be able to financially be able to accomplish my goals.  I have gotten to a point in life in which I see few alternatives left, other than just pushing as hard as I can, with all the time I have left, to finding our cures.  I was able to keep my OCD under control during the trip, but near to the end I was completely overloaded and started to struggle with “keeping it together”.

BTW, skip using Southwestern Airlines.  Their flight attendants were not professional at all.  They treated our group like 2nd class passengers.

I have come to the conclusion that I would like to live on the east coast.  The history in that area is something of great interest to me.  Sometimes we must be reminded that each person of interest in history had one thing in common.  They believed in themselves and their personal quest.  I am at this point.  I will succeed or die trying.

Keep remembering, you are not alone.  No one has forgotten you.

PS. Some of the pictures are from the Jefferson Memorial!  Sorry for the initial misinformation, I was mentally overspent.

I’m Jean Valjean?

I love making connections with movies/songs/musicals.  Jean Valjean made a massive character shift in his middle ages, I look to Les Miserables for inspiration and help keep pushing myself.  Director Kevin Smith was a trailblazer for independent film makers and young dreamers alike!!!  My personal favorite, Diamond Dallas Page, started his professional Wrestling career in his late 30’s early 40’s.  He took charge of his own life and forged his own path.  Harrison Ford…most of us know his story.  He had some fame in his early years, but it was his midlife that brought the best roles to him.  Eminem (Marshal Mathers) knows the fight I’m fighting now.  He’s beaten these demons already, or at least used his battles with them and crafted some of the best music I have ever enjoyed.  Those are my celebrity “heroes” that help me believe I can do more.

My strongest inspiration in life is my own father.  From his birth to where he stands today has been nothing short of greatness in my eyes.  He came from a home with nothing, literally.  A single used toy was his Christmas, lost a brother at a very young age, and put up with the horrible mentality of a small town in the middle of north Iowa.  His accomplishments are legendary in my eyes.(many others would agree)  He joined the military right out of school and married my mother shortly after.  Their life is a success story of perseverance, dedication, faith, duty, honor, compassion, and sacrifice.  I tried to follow in my father’s footsteps, by joining the Air Force right after a little college.  I was crushed by my OCD and depression that had already  been started years before.  He, on the other hand, spent over 30 years dedicated to God, our family, and our country.  From Airman Basic to Lt. Colonel.  He had the option of taking one of several full Colonel position, but passed on them, choosing family instead.  He also passed on moving us to DC to get even higher rank, so he could focus on us more!  I have tried to be like him in every way I can.

My mother’s story is no less impressive!  From a small town farm girl, to college graduate, and beyond.  Her compassion was the perfect counter balance to my father’s harsh attitude.  She tempered us with tolerance and serenity, while my father forged us with honor and discipline. (us being my brother and I).  I have seen her as an assembly worker at an RV manufacturer, a counselor for battered women, and on to management in a great retail company.

Thanks for listening.  Thanks for stopping by.  You are not alone.  We can all make our own future.  Mine will be one that I dedicate to curing mental illness by natural means.  I will start by studying Philosophy, to look into each religions views on natural healing with words and the study of belief systems.  I will then switch to Biochemistry where I will find out how I got healed and spread that on to the world(God willing).  Thanks to this blog, anyone who stops by will know the progress!

Recovering from vacation

Who would have thought that one might need to recover from a vacation.  Part of managing depression and OCD is recognizing that it is actively happening to you, not passively, as I once thought.  I felt as thought I had crashed, mentally.  There were too many stimuli shocking my system so it reverted into a depressed stasis.  It took the entire day to come to that realization.  Modern medicine does not have the proper treatments.  There has to be something organic and natural that occurs to assist our own bodies in an actual healing process.  It could even be a mixture of effects.  Such as, music, scent, visual stimulus, and even interpersonal communications.  As learned in the Trivium, all sounds have meaning and purpose.  I will have to look into each effect in it’s own and then combine each at different intervals.  There has to have been some catalyst in the last few months for me to have changed internally so much.  Not so much changed as reopened.  I mentioned earlier compartmentalizing negative events with audio, video, and olfactory stimuli.  Once a certain amount of stimuli that can’t be forgotten due to OCD cells over firing, that external stimuli can be stopped, thus being able to “forget” the previous built up over stimuli.  Now I just have to start figuring out a way to afford getting to college and learning what I need to prove my theory.  Beyond selling everything in the house we don’t use, each of us(my wife and I) are looking into any way we can think of to raise enough to keep the family supported while I look for work in CT before even trying to make the move.  I get really depressed thinking about finances, but I pray I find a way.  I need this cure.  We need this cure.  We are not alone.  I will find a way to help everyone.