daily grind

Being back to the grind has really made me challenge my creative side.  When I started my journey just a few months ago my only goal was to leave the current situation I was in.  I wanted to changes jobs, cities, and even be separated from my family for a short time.  What I really think I wanted was a complete internal change.  The only thing holding me back was myself.  I had repainted my life’s mural into only shades of blue and gray.  I had convinced myself that it was my external life that was broken.  The only thing that had been broken was my internal self.  The depression and OCD had become my whole self.  All the while trusting in the Pharmaceutical business to be out for the well being of it’s recipients.  When in fact they are only out for profit.  Anti depressants that make you want to die.  Pain killers that make you addicted to them.  Cures with more horrible side effects than the current malady you have.  It was only nature ways that helped me get to where I am now, which is far from healed, but much farther along the right road.

Some how along the way I become my own worst enemy.  I think there are many people who kind of feel the same way.  Why would there be an entire industry based on curing mental illnesses that only help exacerbate our troubles?  All of our scars are the same depth to one another.  My worst pain is no greater than your worst pain.  They are both of equal in magnitude.  Keep that in mind the next time you feel too low, you are not alone down there, we’re all here for you.  Even without contact the empathy is felt to anyone who feels that down and out.  We don’t know each others names, only each others pains.  The world is listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.


Christmas in July

I am watching a TV series on Hulu called The Librarians.  It’s a really enjoyable series.  This episode is about Christmas.  It’s meaning is to remind us that the Christmas holiday is about reminding people of the hope and good will that the season brings.  We should have holidays like that more than once a year!  I enjoy that time of year, because most everyone takes some time to spread that joy around.

I’ve really been pondering a lot about these kinds of ideals lately.  Things come in to perspective every once in a while for me.  A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression and prescribed Citalopram.  The drug worked great at first, I felt better about life and things were easier to cope with.  After a rather short time I had to have the dosage increased due to a built up tolerance.  I have not even considered taking my own life.  It never crossed  my mind, until after using the Citalopram.  I understood the danger I was in, so I consulted my doctor and was changed to Duloxetine.  This drug chemically neutered me, I started to gain weight as well as having lost nearly all interest in my previous hobbies.  In the week following my last birthday, I had an internal meltdown that resulted igniting my mid life crisis to an extreme degree.  Instead of making a few subtle changes I decided to completely overhaul my entire life.  In all of this time, the realization of my obsessive compulsive disorder flaring out of control compacted all of my troubles.  I put us in a debt that will take me some time to earn out of.

Through all of this I have caused grief to some, of which I am very sorry.  Also I have come to realize that I might just be lucky, in a sense.  Since I had never contemplated suicide a time in my life, when it did come to mind I was able to understand it was not real.  I panic when I think about that.  What about those who might think it’s real.

A result, all of these past events have lead me to lean on my faith in God and to study further into Logos, The Word of God.  I doubt my faith on a nearly daily basis, but was reminded by a fellow blogger today that sometimes you need to let go and leave things in God’s hands for a time.  https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/67117789/posts/1519672968  is the article, it’s worth a read.

I have started reading the Corpus Hermeticus and The Hermetica, which are believed to be written by Hermes and translated later in the wonderous city of Alexandria.  It’s beginning is what seems to be the very first conversation between man and Man-Shepard, or what we understand as God.  It’s a reminder that even back then, most of the worlds civilized people could come together from all races and religions available to the area to unite in ideas and theories to further the entire species.  So I have hope that one day we’ll know that kind of peace again.  Peace to you and yours.