Ideally

The perfect form of government should be democracy, in theory.  2) Democracy: It is “generally defined as a form of government in which all adult citizens have an equal say in the decisions that affect their lives.”   At least as far as we have known in our lives.  To others, it’s Socialism; political and economic theory of social organization that advocates that the means of production, distribution, and exchange should be owned or regulated by the community as a whole.

We have a far watered down form of democracy than was initially intended and for some unknown reason, socialism scares people.  So where does that leave all of us?  Feeling rather powerless.  We vote, hoping that it means something.  Then someone else comes and makes changes that hurt some while helping others.  Shouldn’t everything that happens in a government of the people, by the people, for the people, actually help all of the people?  It boggles my mind, thinking of how we got here.  Our governments are all doing the best they can with what they have, but we only look to what they do for us.  Too many disillusioned people raging against a machine they built with inaction and complacency.  The generations before us wonder why their system has been changed so much.  Our generation complains about the change.  The next generation is struggling in it’s fight to right the changes that took place that are causing so much damage.

These are just some of the things I ponder about, with too much time on my hands, waiting for the last few pieces to fall into place so I can start schooling.  Hope everyone have a great day.  Peace to you and yours.

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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; part me

One of my many hurdles is the OCD.  This last round is especially challenging.  Once an obsession passes, the previous point of interest is completely forgotten even to the point of being disinteresting.  I started my blog on one such obsessive moments.  I find it challenging to come back and continue writing.  But, part of my current depression treatment is really helping me observe and take action when I realize the OCD is “in control”.  For those that don’t suffer from or have heard of OCD it’s very difficult for me to describe.  I tell people, I think of the worst possible outcome to every single scenario I have ever thought of.  I tell them about the internal pointless rage.  I tell them about the lack of impulse control.  I explain that Obsessive is just that, but it’s just as easy to forget that obsession.  Unless you live it, it could be hard to grasp.  I lived for 41 years before knowing that I was dealing with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I had to do my own research into the all of the mental symptoms, but the physical repetition was easy to spot.  In 1995 the US Air Force wrote in a side note that I was Obsessive Compulsive.  I was not told what that meant.  I was not treated.  I was discarded without further explanation due to previous infractions brought on by the disorder.  I didn’t even know that what they did was ethically questionable.  I was swept away so quick I was denied by Montgomery GI Bill due to a length of service violation.  I had a disorder that they didn’t know how to handle, so I was booted and forgotten without even knowing what Obsessive Compulsive meant. Let alone that it was a disorder that has no cure.  This realization hurts.  I am going to go back to school this fall in order to help prevent my story from ever being repeated.  That’s been my plan all along, but I forget what I’m doing at times.  The faded obsession in easily forgotten.  Lucky for me I have this Blog, and all of you that stop by, to help remind me.  A life goal is not a passing obsession.  I can push and complete it, without fearing loss of interest.  I worry every day that I will simply fall back to my old habits and forget that I have to find a cure.  Depression first, then Anxiety, and then mental disorders like OCD.  If you know what it’s like, any word I have said, then you are not alone.

Current state of medicine

I just watched a commercial for an anti depressant called Trintellix http://www.rxlist.com/trintellix-side-effects-drug-center.htm                                                     https://us.trintellix.com/about/frequently-asked-questions

These are it’s side effects.  This is a real thing, approved by our United States of America Food and Drug Administration.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I’m paraphrasing but “You might feel better, but you WILL suffer many side effects”  This cannot be real.  That’s like putting a DIRTY bandage on an open wound!

Are they hoping to scare the depression out of us?  Do they even know what the f they are treating?  I think licking a Colorado River Toad would be a less risky alternative.  For heavens safe can we stop with the tom foolery.

/rant off.  This is why I keep pushing, how about you?

 

The Future is Now.

This will be part of the mission statement of my Biotech company that I will build, one day.  Lead by a board of directors that focus on morals and ethics, rather than bottom lines.  I will create a company focused on healing the human body.  With branches in entertainment and luxury for income.  Also perhaps a defense branch, because we still live in a violent world.  This is my goal.  My dream.  It will focus on R&D of Biochemical, Biomedical, and Biomechanical means of repairing the human body.

For now though, I have to go be a chef:)  Have a wonderful day.                                                -Jarred Brown, dreamer and idealist.

We are all gifted.

My gifts are creativity, imagination, compassion, empathy, humor, and hope.  My hope is that we won’t stay in our current depressed state for much longer.  Every day is a step closer.

What are yours?  Your words?  Your actions?  We all have them, we don’t always acknowledge them.  Can you smile even though the pain is overwhelming?  Can you keep a stiff upper lip in a battle you don’t feel you can win?  Do you go out of your way to make others feel good?  Make them laugh?  Do you stand up every day, even though all you want to do is not move?  You are not alone in your struggles.

This message was not for everyone, but there are a few that need to hear it now.  Thanks for reading!

Today I encountered a racist.

It was such a surreal moment for me.  In my very core I don’t understand racism/sexism/anti religion.  Each person is accountable for their own individual actions.  You can’t really think every single person of a race/sex/class/religion is a bad person.  But today I was proven wrong.  I was informed that since I was berating whites, by supporting racial freedom and diversity, that it was his right to exclaim his dislike for black people.  I won’t quote him.  As I started to become agitated and aggressive towards his behavior, no one single other person stood beside me in protest.  Not one.  They wanted the conflict ended quickly.  Some did not want it to ruin their day.  My day was already altered by the fact that I have not ever encountered such an ignorant hatred.  I live in the Midwest.  Most all my life I have been here.  Racial diversity is NOT very deep here.  Yet not once had I ever met a true to life racist that was proud enough to declare it out loud.  I ended the conversation stating he was free to have his opinion, but that we were not in the right place to share it.  Some days I feel like I live in an area of suspended reality.  Behaviors and actions that happen no where else(I hope).  Co workers threatening another’s children, drug addicts who come and go as they chose…the list is long and exasperating.  Yet we choose to still work there, because the owner is a nice guy and we get paid well enough.  More reasons to not quit on my quest.

Sunrise

I used to consider myself a night person.  I have worked 2nd shift for the past greater part of my working life.  Now, after all these years, I want to see the sun rise instead of set.  I want to feel the remembered sensations of cool morning breezes.  The sound of the world coming awake again.  It might sounds cheesy, but if you only saw the night time for the greater part of your existence, what might you think?  I bet you would think the difference in night and day…  Everyday I work through past pains and bridge the gaps between then and now.  Allowing myself to feel less compartmentalized.  The troubles with OCD and eidetic memory is that the emotional pain is as real and painful right now, as it was back then.  Can you imagine what it’s like to feel the pain of loss, heart break, or humiliation without provocation?  After a while, you stomp that out, because it hurts too much.  What happens is you transition it directly to anger, fear, or rage.  So your thoughts, without notice, are suddenly violent, terrified, or worse.  You have NO control over when this happens.  Every scenario, every day, every waking moment.  You think that it’s normal, then you think you are WAY to broken to be fixed.  Medical Doctors prescribed an anti depressant and anti anxiety medication.  This did little but to suppress the feelings, saving them up for a later, near fatal, meltdown.  Thanks to God the meltdown was not fatal.  This is why I will continue to fight.  These are the things I would not wish upon my worst enemies.  This is why I am going back to school this fall.  I just hope I can afford it.  You are not alone.  I am with you, in spirit, my friends.  Your depression will not consume you.  I won’t give up on us.

Field Trip!

Today is our first day home after my son’s field trip to Washington DC.  I will attempt to do justice to everything we saw and experienced!

Our first day was that of near madness!  Starting our travels in the middle of the night we took bus and plane to reach our destination.  The only rest we all had was what little bits we got on rides and short layover.  It was an amazing whirlwind of excitement for most everyone.  For so many of the kids it was their first plane ride!  I did not expect what would come next.  Every single time they children were called upon to respect the rules at all of the memorials they were so well behaved!  We visited several great points of interest including but not limited to Mt. Vernon, The White House, the Capitol building and most of the memorials.  Also included were several of the Smithsonian museums.  Each group of us consisted of 2 adults and 4-5 students.  Our group had a magnificent variety of interested from sports to the sciences!  All of them were eager to share their interested with each other AND myself.  I felt very good that they would share that with me.  We had enough time at each museum for each student in our group to select their top choice.  The pace was hurried, but we managed to get a bit of each.

I was impressed by how easily they adapted to their surroundings.  Even the most challenging students fell in line when requested.

My favorite moments were in this order; Best moments was my sons first time in an aircraft simulator in the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum.  It was a full 360 experience.  We had such a great time.  My son opted to keep one of the photos they took.  Which happened to be the first time we were upside down!  2nd was seeing the USS Enterprise model.

My 2nd favorite was the memorial of Franklin D. Roosevelt.  I will post the quotes of his that I loved, once I get them all downloaded.  I think he will be my newest inspiration for pushing forward.  This humble man seems like how I feel.  I have much I want to offer people as far as my desire to cure mental illnesses and healing our country overall.  I am continuing to seek out ways to be able to financially be able to accomplish my goals.  I have gotten to a point in life in which I see few alternatives left, other than just pushing as hard as I can, with all the time I have left, to finding our cures.  I was able to keep my OCD under control during the trip, but near to the end I was completely overloaded and started to struggle with “keeping it together”.

BTW, skip using Southwestern Airlines.  Their flight attendants were not professional at all.  They treated our group like 2nd class passengers.

I have come to the conclusion that I would like to live on the east coast.  The history in that area is something of great interest to me.  Sometimes we must be reminded that each person of interest in history had one thing in common.  They believed in themselves and their personal quest.  I am at this point.  I will succeed or die trying.

Keep remembering, you are not alone.  No one has forgotten you.

PS. Some of the pictures are from the Jefferson Memorial!  Sorry for the initial misinformation, I was mentally overspent.

Recovering from vacation

Who would have thought that one might need to recover from a vacation.  Part of managing depression and OCD is recognizing that it is actively happening to you, not passively, as I once thought.  I felt as thought I had crashed, mentally.  There were too many stimuli shocking my system so it reverted into a depressed stasis.  It took the entire day to come to that realization.  Modern medicine does not have the proper treatments.  There has to be something organic and natural that occurs to assist our own bodies in an actual healing process.  It could even be a mixture of effects.  Such as, music, scent, visual stimulus, and even interpersonal communications.  As learned in the Trivium, all sounds have meaning and purpose.  I will have to look into each effect in it’s own and then combine each at different intervals.  There has to have been some catalyst in the last few months for me to have changed internally so much.  Not so much changed as reopened.  I mentioned earlier compartmentalizing negative events with audio, video, and olfactory stimuli.  Once a certain amount of stimuli that can’t be forgotten due to OCD cells over firing, that external stimuli can be stopped, thus being able to “forget” the previous built up over stimuli.  Now I just have to start figuring out a way to afford getting to college and learning what I need to prove my theory.  Beyond selling everything in the house we don’t use, each of us(my wife and I) are looking into any way we can think of to raise enough to keep the family supported while I look for work in CT before even trying to make the move.  I get really depressed thinking about finances, but I pray I find a way.  I need this cure.  We need this cure.  We are not alone.  I will find a way to help everyone.

It hits the fan

When you battle with depression for so long, you get used to losing.  It becomes all you know.  You set yourself up to fail at everything you ever try, so that you will just stop trying, because you will just fail.  We know the cycle.  We know the fear.  You read this and feel my words, you are not alone.

I hit a low point tonight.  I looked to my new bookshelf and just “knew” I could not succeed at anything I was trying.  I felt myself giving up.  So I turned here, thinking I was silently throwing in the towel.  Instead, I remind myself by typing to anyone who will read.  I remembered that we struggle, we hurt, we fear, we cry, we want to run, we want to quit.  I’m tired of this being the status quo for some.

After a full night sleep, the depression seems to have set back in.  I am unsure of the causes.  This was “my worst fear” was getting back to this very point.  This is where I felt the most lost in my own labyrinth.

I wonder if this past couple months was just the midlife crisis playing itself out and now it all goes back to the horrible way it was.  I also wonder if the rest of you have ever felt like this.  I feel like I was given hope of change and a new life, only to have it ripped from my hands.  Hopelessness threatens to overtake me.

That’s what it’s like trying to actually deal with depression.  The solutions are never clear. We are not fluid in our thoughts.  We are lost on the waves of indecision and fear of actually succeeding.  Somehow our minds twist things into their worst possible scenarios(thanks OCD).  The challenge for so many of us is real.  When going to a baseball game is considered a break through, just image how even the inane things we do feel so hard.  When you start to layer on the “mental illnesses” you see their effects have synergy as well, though not in a good way.

You are not alone.  I’m going to keep saying that.  Not just to you, but to me.  You never have to step forward.  You never have to be known.  Just know that you are not alone.  You are not forgotten.  I can’t repeat all of this enough.  The song “Lean on me” says it all.  Read some of my past stories/blogs/recipes.  You can see my ups and downs are as real as yours are.

Thanks for stopping by again or for the first time!  Your time is valuable.  Thanks for sharing it with me.

We might be up Schittz Creek.  But brother/sister, I have a paddle.  I’ll find a way to cure us.