I’ve not felt like writing much lately. Distracted by passing obsessions and fading vices. The muse inside is asleep. I fear it would fade entirely, then I remember my life long curse. When an obsession takes hold through OCD, the hold is firm and unrelenting. It threatens several aspects of myself, such as writing and poetry. Words will fleeting dash across my mind, vanishing like a dream when I try and recall the ideas. Only the current, hopefully temporary, obsession remains. What will I do about this and that. How will I handle each situation regarding anything other than the pressing need to do a thing. I keep these “things” to myself, they are my burden to bear. So while you might see a sneer or a glare, know that it’s only temporary. Something has a hold on me again, and the battle is reinstated. I often hope that I’m the only one with struggles like these, again I would never wish this on anther human being. Consumed so fully by a task, habit, show, game, etc. Thanks for listening, until next time. Peace to you and yours.
One of the tougher parts of OCD to deal with is the obsessions. They are unshakable desires to do something. Whether it’s an addiction, such as cigarettes, or something so simple as a card game, Magic the Gathering, the obsession can be so overwhelming that it seemingly controls your actions. That’s where the compulsive part of the disorder ruins everything. Where normally a person can control an obsession, Obsessive Compulsive disorder can control themselves, when the compulsion kicks in it is no longer probable to resist the obsession. You don’t feel complete or whole until it is fulfilled. For me it’s basic vices, things that send life into disorder, but not unrecoverable. I fear for some, the compulsions are too dark, such as displayed in the Showtime series Dexter. How fine is the line between a simple drive to clean the same spot the same way forever and the dark abyss of horrific obsession? I sure hope there is a cure in the works.
For myself, it’s a very real and very terrifying reality. I fear that a simple rabbit hole might turn into a nightmare reality.
Trying to figure out the triggers has been very difficult. Stress, positive or negative, seems to be the most prevalent. This, I believe is why anti depressants had a negative effect. The “high” of the dopamine fades, but the obsession with the consistent good moods did not, causing a downward spiral that was near fatal.
Why is it so scary to feel good,
What is it I misunderstood,
Wave of happy we never want to stop,
Gotta remember can’t live at the top,
The low and highs are all part and partial,
Feeling happy, we just can’t marshall,
Our internal light was growing neigh,
If we can’t be happy, we just want to die,
But it’s all in the balance, I hope you can see,
Relish the light of creativity,
Enduring the lows became the normal,
Feeling the highs is feeling formal,
Denying ourselves the basic desires,
Not letting it out, just stoking the fires,
Living in rage,
No more on stage,
Life in a cage,
Seeking a sage,
Seething in rage,
Not turning the page
Found only a maze,
Looking inwards a haze,
Past memories a blaze,
My mind in a craze,
But pardon my phrase,
I speak out of phase,
Felt lost in that maze,
My minotaur would enrage,
Past memories were now pyres,
Life changed from uniformal,
To nearly paranormal,
Nor more passivity,
More clearly now I can see,
There is so much more behind my eye,
I can now permit myself to cry,
No longer now shall I stall,
This life to give must get it all,
I must discard my prop,
One more habit I must drop,
It is no longer misunderstood,
We are allowed to feel good.
Dear lord please hear me out,
Many people are live in doubt,
I wanna scream and shout,
It’s not fair let them out,
We trusted, got dusted, some busted, maladjusted, still crusted, disgusted
Hooked on a chem, crooked rich men, free us from them, tired of waiting ’til then,
Why does humanity act like an experiment,
For rich or poor we’re all here, a testament,
Our souls are here to the show what we meant,
Sing, write, play, show, paint, vent.
Always about to boil,
Forgot why we toil,
Why must they foil,
Can’t we just live in peace,
Live our lives, love life, we’re here on lease,
Give us a break before we all cease.
In the past week I have been personally reconciling my inner self. Sounds weird, but I have been at odds with myself for some time. After drudging up so many painful memories I cast myself into deep sadness, regret, and even anger. It’s been very difficult for me cast aside the things in my life that don’t belong. Things such as the feeling of not belonging where I am. I have spent a lot of time just thinking and planning and not really acting. So I have decided to take on a new hobby, candle making. The funny part to me is that I have been a butcher, a baker, and now…you see the punchline.
Normally in my past I would have simply gone back to my routine, but I know I have to alter it just a little bit. I first believed that I needed to shake up everything about myself and my life so that I was not so depressed all the time. Along that path I have really started to put more effort into where I am. Dedicating myself to my workplace, doing more activities with my family, and finding a healthier balance of my previous hobbies. It’s been a real challenge changing internally while causing so much discord with those around me. I hope they can all forgive me. I am sorry for all the trouble.
No one ever said having a mid life crisis was easy. The crisis is over, now I have to clean up my own mess. Thanks for listening. Until next time, peace to you and yours.
When will I be free of the chains that shackle me,
Invisible lines that keep holding me,
Back from the world I want to see,
When is it ok to be,
All the things I love in me,
When can I shake off the shroud of internal anonymity,
See myself able to be free,
The fragments of sanity in a sea of failed sobriety,
Is my world really that dreary,
Once I hear the word maybe,
Stuck in binds I can clearly see,
I put them there, you see,
These bonds I wear are part of me,
The wounds that cut so deeply,
Make me cry internally,
My battles scars are here eternally,
I have to learn it’s ok to be,
Damaged, not permanently,
Just marks with personality,
The game started prematurely,
I wasn’t ready, I tell myself sadly,
The person I was fades into obscurity,
Now it’s time, tomorrow might never be,
Can I, I ask, I guess time will see.
Today was a bitter sweet day
The children return to school to play
Summer is our time to shine, wish it would stay
But life must move forward can’t remain that way
Some parents relish this time, for me is causes dismay
I give myself to the evenings, my mornings are gray
Why speak in poetry, I ask myself, to convey
The exercise is good, a different way to parlay
I change the tempo and scheme, even the delay
But keep moving forward, try and cast away
The troubled time my mind brings, so they can’t out weigh
I ask myself lately, what do I do, to keep in the fray
Fight the good fight, be a good person, a good father everyday
My soul has scars, my heart is heavy, I just want to lay
Sleep, no more sadness and pain, I know it’s cliche
But I will not falter, only stumble along, make way
I kinda like my scar now, all the miles on my highway
To we celebrated my wife’s birthday
She deserves much more than I can purvey
Happiness is my the gift I choose to spray
The next poem will I write I’ll have to sway
I hope my next round won’t be so passe
Not sure they’ll all fit
So many parts, so little space
Fragmented self, needed a hit
Wasn’t sure I could keep pace
A mental knock on the noggin, a little wit
Mix with music and family, she’s truly my ace
Do I leave out the parts that make me want to quit
Keep them I say, they keep me in my place
A place I belong, the place I commit
A state of mind so far from this race
The rats almost won, I felt so unfit
I hated so many memories, lost color in my face
Almost thought I was gone, a few steps from split
I write my story, place it in a showcase
So that other won’t feel counterfeit
Our stories only differ in the details, our human race
But we’re all the same, you have to admit
Your pain is my pain, I would embrace
Any person who felt the need to submit
We stand united, the wounded who feel disgrace
Pick your head up with mine, this is it
Don’t relent to the coup de grace
You’re not alone in all this shit
The moral of the story is not common place
We need to heal depression, lickety split
Every single person feels fear. No one is immune. Most animals understand fear. It is what keeps us alive. What happens when that fight or flight instinct “stays on” and a person constantly feels the need to fight or flee? Anxiety happens.
My mental disorder is not unique. OCD and depression are not my burden alone to bear. Being abused a child is not unique. So why is it I get wrapped around the axel about all of this lately? Because I have buried everything instead of dealing with it. The years of anger, sadness, and fear were bottled up. I’m trying to empty that bottle and fill it back up with much better stuff. In the mean time I have to constantly search for better ways to cope with each stressor. I used to use tobacco and alcohol as my coping methods, but those were worse than the depression itself. Then came the medications. Lately I have been searching for better methods.
The best part of dealing with everything is that my creativity is at an all time high. From song lyrics and poems to retail ideas for our little shop in Garner, IA.
If you are going through tough times, please don’t give up on yourself.
Once I get through all of this, I hope things clear up inside. Until then, thanks for listening. Peace to you and your.
Trying to deal with depression brings up nearly the entire range of emotions. I’ve been drowned in sadness over the past few days. That’s the one I put off for a long time. It can feel overwhelming. The reasons are broad and varied, but the weight is heavy. We all remember what makes us sad. What happens when your mind plays those thoughts on an unwanted loop? Not sure if it’s the OCD or just dealing with the sadness finally. I lost the desire to write for several days because of it.
I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I don’t wanna be broken, but I’m glad it’s me and not someone else.