College at 43

Getting accepted, setting up financing, and finding a place to rent from so far away is an incredible challenge.  Not to mention all the hurdles in each of those steps.

Some days I feel the challenge could be too daunting for me.  I know better, but doubt and depression go hand in hand.  I have been overwhelmed the past couple weeks.  I feel too much, think too much, react too much.  All because I want something more from life.  I don’t want the burden of OCD for the rest of my days.  I have no idea how to stop it, but I have to find out.  There has to be a biological reason that my cells don’t act/react the same as other people.  There also has to be a way to fix that.  Emotions and feelings are cellular reactions.  They are a physical response to stimuli.  Therefor there should be a reasonable way to repair a mis wired or malfunctioning set of molecules.  If depression can be lifted, even temporarily, by any means, then it is logical to believe that mental disorders can be fixed.  Cured.  The body can be healed, I just don’t know how yet.  Some kind of plant?  My favorite theory is the use of nanites to scrub the cells clean and repair any damage.  If they can do that, then they could rewire them to behave normally.  These are the things I think about as I cook at work.  This is what consumes so much of my time lately.  I’m obsessing over having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder…to me, that’s funny.

Peace to you and yours, from me and mine.  I hope your troubles flee from you.  I hope your days go well.  I hope the suns shines on you.

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Why I dislike OCD

Because when I try and explain things logically, few people understand.  I don’t want to come to the worst conclusion first, it simply happens.  I don’t want to get wrapped up in nothing, but it happens.  I don’t want to see the world as dark and cold some days, but it happens.  I can’t walk it off.  I can’t shake it off either.  I am not able to chill out on command.  It is part of what plagues my mind. Sucks.

Some days I wonder just how many people have some form of OCD.  Does it trouble them as well?  Do any of you?  Would you tell me, even if you did?  If you do, you are not alone.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; part me

One of my many hurdles is the OCD.  This last round is especially challenging.  Once an obsession passes, the previous point of interest is completely forgotten even to the point of being disinteresting.  I started my blog on one such obsessive moments.  I find it challenging to come back and continue writing.  But, part of my current depression treatment is really helping me observe and take action when I realize the OCD is “in control”.  For those that don’t suffer from or have heard of OCD it’s very difficult for me to describe.  I tell people, I think of the worst possible outcome to every single scenario I have ever thought of.  I tell them about the internal pointless rage.  I tell them about the lack of impulse control.  I explain that Obsessive is just that, but it’s just as easy to forget that obsession.  Unless you live it, it could be hard to grasp.  I lived for 41 years before knowing that I was dealing with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I had to do my own research into the all of the mental symptoms, but the physical repetition was easy to spot.  In 1995 the US Air Force wrote in a side note that I was Obsessive Compulsive.  I was not told what that meant.  I was not treated.  I was discarded without further explanation due to previous infractions brought on by the disorder.  I didn’t even know that what they did was ethically questionable.  I was swept away so quick I was denied by Montgomery GI Bill due to a length of service violation.  I had a disorder that they didn’t know how to handle, so I was booted and forgotten without even knowing what Obsessive Compulsive meant. Let alone that it was a disorder that has no cure.  This realization hurts.  I am going to go back to school this fall in order to help prevent my story from ever being repeated.  That’s been my plan all along, but I forget what I’m doing at times.  The faded obsession in easily forgotten.  Lucky for me I have this Blog, and all of you that stop by, to help remind me.  A life goal is not a passing obsession.  I can push and complete it, without fearing loss of interest.  I worry every day that I will simply fall back to my old habits and forget that I have to find a cure.  Depression first, then Anxiety, and then mental disorders like OCD.  If you know what it’s like, any word I have said, then you are not alone.

Sunday; The oddity.

Today, as I try to keep on task, I struggle with going back to older bad habits.  I then panic that I will revert, or worse, just no wake up.  That feeling then fires through my system over and over again until I find some type of calming trigger.  This is why I don’t want OCD anymore.  I feel like being happy = the end of days.  Depression sucks.  OCD is a blessing and a curse.  Eidict memory is another double edged problem><  All in coordination can really scramble your thoughts and make you doubt everything all at once, for nor real reason.  Feeling almost stalled, like I should feel bad for taking a day off, since I have been doing so little, for so long.  More later, when it’s all clearer.

I finally got myself to start a full body fitness healing program.  It’s https://ddpyoga.com/ The man that goes by the name Diamond Dallas Page has been the single greatest Celebrity inspiration(2nd only to my Parents in the full list).  His electrifying charisma and never quit attitude made him the greatest WCW Peoples Champion of all time.  His story is one that is nothing shy of Legendary.  He was in his “middle age” when he chose to become a professional wrestler(VERY taxing on the body).  You see, DDP didn’t try.  He set out with the purpose to do it and he did it.  He also developed “DDP Yoga”.  Don’t let the name steer you wrong.  His style is a combination of Yoga; for balance and harmony of the body, Rehabilitation; for the purpose of preparing your body for success, and Calisthenics; to shape and tone the body, once it’s ready to rock.  His ability to reach out to each person in great.  His works prove themselves, look up his program.  You won’t be sorry.

Today went similar to past Sunday’s.  Which put me ill at ease.  I don’t want to feel I’m turning away from my goals by taking a day off.  Tomorrow morning is my tour of the University of Northern Iowa.  I am looking forward to hearing what they have to say:)  The path ahead is long and I feel like I have wasted SO much time.

http://www.alchemylab.com/what_is_alchemy.htm This made a lot of sense, after everything I have learned recently.  Now I’m devoted as ever.

Nous sommes dans le même bateau