a Writer’s Block

I’ve not felt like writing much lately.  Distracted by passing obsessions and fading vices.  The muse inside is asleep.  I fear it would fade entirely, then I remember my life long curse.  When an obsession takes hold through OCD, the hold is firm and unrelenting.  It threatens several aspects of myself, such as writing and poetry.  Words will fleeting dash across my mind, vanishing like a dream when I try and recall the ideas.  Only the current, hopefully temporary, obsession remains.  What will I do about this and that.  How will I handle each situation regarding anything other than the pressing need to do a thing.  I keep these “things” to myself, they are my burden to bear.  So while you might see a sneer or a glare, know that it’s only temporary.  Something has a hold on me again, and the battle is reinstated.  I often hope that I’m the only one with struggles like these, again I would never wish this on anther human being.  Consumed so fully by a task, habit, show, game, etc.  Thanks for listening, until next time.  Peace to you and yours.

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Obsession, part of the Disorder

One of the tougher parts of OCD to deal with is the obsessions.  They are unshakable desires to do something.  Whether it’s an addiction, such as cigarettes, or something so simple as a card game, Magic the Gathering, the obsession can be so overwhelming that it seemingly controls your actions.  That’s where the compulsive part of the disorder ruins everything.  Where normally a person can control an obsession, Obsessive Compulsive disorder can control themselves, when the compulsion kicks in it is no longer probable to resist the obsession.  You don’t feel complete or whole until it is fulfilled.  For me it’s basic vices, things that send life into disorder, but not unrecoverable.  I fear for some, the compulsions are too dark, such as displayed in the Showtime series Dexter.  How fine is the line between a simple drive to clean the same spot the same way forever and the dark abyss of horrific obsession?  I sure hope there is a cure in the works.

For myself, it’s a very real and very terrifying reality.  I fear that a simple rabbit hole might turn into a nightmare reality.

Trying to figure out the triggers has been very difficult.  Stress, positive or negative, seems to be the most prevalent.  This, I believe is why anti depressants had a negative effect.  The “high” of the dopamine fades, but the obsession with the consistent good moods did not, causing a downward spiral that was near fatal.

range of emotions

Trying to deal with depression brings up nearly the entire range of emotions.  I’ve been drowned in sadness over the past few days.  That’s the one I put off for a long time.  It can feel overwhelming.  The reasons are broad and varied, but the weight is heavy.  We all remember what makes us sad.  What happens when your mind plays those thoughts on an unwanted loop?  Not sure if it’s the OCD or just dealing with the sadness finally.  I lost the desire to write for several days because of it.

I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  I don’t wanna be broken, but I’m glad it’s me and not someone else.

A Wonderful Memory

Today, as I enjoyed a variety of songs on Pandora on my Watsky channel I was able to recall 2 very distinct memories.  I would like to share them.

The first was my first kiss, I was rather young, her name was Penny Trip.  I had just moved from my home in Iowa, to a trailer park in Kansas.  She made the move and I was surprised.  She smiled, saying she wanted to know what it was like.  I’m glad she chose me, it was a nice pleasant memory.

The other was the start of my current state of mental chaos and ruin.  Her name will not be spoken.  It was the dawn of internet communication.  I had come to know a girl, totally different than any I had ever met.  The poetic details of this memory could roll on and on.  Mistakes were made, I was betrayed, a debt never repaid, I really got played, sadness in spades.

While working through my depression and learning to get control of my OCD I have had the pleasure/horror of discovering my memory is far too accurate to try and keep anything bottled up.  Some form of eidetic memory that can recall emotional pain and empathy.  Trying to find healing is pushing my limits.  Thanks for listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Reflections of the Beginning

DSCF0307

This is a real life story, from the moment of realization, of a middle aged man(Jarred J Brown)<that’s me! and his midlife crisis.  The tale will be one of sadness, misery, suffering, and grief, evolving into an eye opening first hand look at the problems in Biomedicine and it’s treatment of mental illnesses.  Illnesses like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Clinical Depression, Anxiety, and many more, which to this day have no cure.  The “victims” of these syndromes are treated to a barrage of Biomeds created to treat only the symptoms, not heal the damage done first.  The proverbial bandage on a broken arm.  I hope you stay with me, ’cause I will be here for all of you.  Whether you know it or not. (no, I did not say stalking, quit that!)

 

That’s my original “mission statement” of my blog.  I reread it today and it holds true still today.  The more I look into the subject of depression I can see that it’s very common now.  There is also a common thread about prescription medication being ineffective or downright harmful, not to mention some can be addictive.  It’s an epidemic that we won’t survive without finding more effective ways of helping each other.

On top of that, it seems like the USA has simple lost it’s mind.  Proverbial of course, but the circumstances of each citizen seems perilous, by our definition.  We have a president that enrages a portion of the populace.  Pharmaceutical companies allowed to dole out drugs that are harmful.  Insurance companies forcing costs up.  A medical system that is profit based with obscene costs for the simplest of care.  Corporations that make choices based on bottom lines, rather than the betterment of society.

That’s the common message delivered to us through internet media.  A consistent barrage that we have to sift through so we can see the actual atrocities and push aside the blatant lies and misleading 1/2 truths.

Thanks for listening.

Invisible Lines

Something different today.

Seems like our lives are encased in invisible lines,

Spaces and boundaries and moments in time,

That’s legal here, but over there it’s not,

I like you near, so near it gets hot,

But don’t talk about this, don’t speak about that,

Don’t tell people that you think they are flat,

Do what we say, follow the rules, stay in the lines,

Wrap yourself in these incorporeal vines,

Myspace, your space, their space, their place,

my place, don’t face, don’t pace, keep pace,

Follow along, hear the song, wait for the gong,

Take a breath and breathe, let rest your mind,

Your mind matters, it just takes time,

Drop the pills pour out the sauce,

Never forget you’re your boss,

The lines only exists if we let them,

Like who you like, even if it’s not men,

Colored lines are the worst, they drive me insane,

As though they were cursed for being in the wrong lane,

We the People need to realize we’re all the same,

People’s lives are not a frakkin’ game,

Stop playing with our health, it’s so lame,

Mental or physical, please treat us right,

No more medication to sleep through a night,

Let our hearts and minds run free once more,

Stop treating us all like that feasting boar,

Gorging yourself on our time causing gore,

The cost is too high, the time is neigh, don’t be shy,

Make yourself fly, sing to the sky, take back your pie,

Not just one slice, not one single piece,

Take the whole thing, it is within reach,

Look for what’s missing to see what’s to gain,

Freedom of speech has had time to explain,

No authority granted permits you spread pain,

So please feel free to drop your cane,

Do not hurt us, it’s inhumane,

Keep your fake cures, your thoughts are inane,

Breaking our minds so you can maintain,

A lifestyle that exceeds even Dr. Dre,

You drain our lives so you can play,

Broke our soul, can’t smoke a bowl,

It took it’s toll, you’re on a roll,

All that you stole, accept your own role,

Let’s take a stroll, dance around the pole,

No I won’t answer another poll,

Our choice was bad or evil,

Which did we choose,

I think it’s a weasel,

Can’t tell yet, that’s clear,

I bet it started at hold my beer,

Watch their reaction, I bet they all cheer,

Cheered and Jeered,

Steered and Smeared,

Red, White and Blue,

Who actually asked you,

Maybe it’s time to shoo,

Hop on that choo-choo

Get the heck back to your nice house,

Stop telling dudes they can’t wear a blouse,

Get us back to reality,

Turn back on the gravity,

Lets feel all the levity,

Realize the brevity,

For real this time, we don’t have an eternity,

Hear the pop now,

Don’t stop now,

Shop now,

Not for stuff and things that are disposable,

Live a life quotable,

Not with the status quo,

It’s not uncontrollable,

You’re the star of the show,

Don’t take a bow until you know,

Make the sun shine, let yourself grow,

It’s never too late to see your own glow,

Thanks for your time, it’s precious I know,

When you struggle at times, remember the flow,

If life gives you lemons, trade them to someone who got limes.

If you don’t like limes, then just keep looking, there’s still time,

Open yourself to a new world sublime,

Where healing is free and almost no crime,

When true hope comes we can relax,

less hax, less tax, less wax, more lax,

some slack, don’t stack, halt the attack,

plant the seed, god speed, please heed,

We need good deed, maybe weed,

don’t impede, no misdeed, are we freed,

Peace for now, I like to say,

Have yourselves one great day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Learning to cope

I have been able to recall most all of the negative factors that I let control my life.  My challenge now is to cope with them and make peace within myself so I can move forward.  When I first met my wife, I learned early on of some dark things that have happened to her.  I had thought I was saving her.  I may have assisted in some ways, but she has, in turn helped save me from myself.  Since she has had to deal with those memories for so long, she is very understanding and supportive of me while I have gone through this breakdown and rebuilding process.

This blog has been a wonderful source of sharing.  I know I have said this before, but for those of you who have not considered writing/reading other peoples blogs, I would suggest you dive in to WordPress for a few minutes.  This is a forum for people from all over the world to share their lives in glorious goriest detail.  It is what reality TV should have been.  It is pure and unscripted life, full of an ocean of emotions.  You can read and see the beautiful things your neighbors perceive.  It make me believe there is a chance for the world to change.  If more people can see that we are all so similar, then we can simply stop acknowledging the divides to push us apart.

As I have been working through my depression and as I learn to cope with OCD, I have delved deep into introspection and philosophy as a means of understanding the how and why of human behavior.  I think that if I can understand myself better, that I can reach out to others and understand them better.  Thus allowing me to find a better way for mass numbers of people to work through their own depression, rather than medicating it with pharmaceutical drugs that do more harm than good, to some.  Now if I can just figure out how to put this all together and make it make sense.  Less people would have to pay to feel better.  Less people would have to spend so much on trying to get healed internally.  They could gain the strength and self confidence that comes from dealing with your issues head on.  Accepting yourself is a long process, but it is possible.

And maybe, just maybe, once the majority realize they can help themselves, then we can reach out to one another.  We can all then start working towards real and lasting peace.  The war machine can take a rest.  We the people can take care of the rest.

I think I’ve said enough for now, I’m just a simple man.  But I swear, if I can reach this point of understanding, anyone can.  I like to believe there is hope again.  So I can start to cope, again.   Cope with a reality that reeks of racism still.  Cope with seeing that sexism just can’t die.  Coping with the fact that sexual assault still assaults our friends and family.  I was hoping this world would be better by now.  I grew up believing that one day all of the petty things that tear us asunder would be nothing but past memories.  Like the scars inside of me.  Like the scars inside of you.  Everyone person in this world is given free will.  Free to take any action.  Free to say any words.  It’s time for the billions and billions of quiet souls to shout now.  Shout at our world itself.  Remind ourselves that we are more than just the sum total of our cell phones and social media accounts.  For a simple man that had enough to say, I guess I sure had more just sitting around in the corners of my mind.  Words that I think might help just one or two people, so they can help a few and so on and so forth until we hear that popcorn sound.

I am inspired to write by artists I listen to and by the stories I’ve read on here.  Along with the wonderful Instagram stories I follow.  I’ve learned that normally the nicest people have the deepest scars, because they don’t want anyone else to feel what they have.  I’ve learned that faith comes in every shape and size.  I’ve learned that people have not forgotten how to be amazing.  From the performers at the Warped Tour, to the magnificent sponsors, to the person who transformed right in front of me in the Watsky line.

There is hope for us all still.

Thanks for listen.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Side note- My wife has been grown her nail tech business very nicely, check her out at https://www.facebook.com/Ladybugsnailsalon/posts/1854932878157668?notif_t=notify_me_page&notif_id=1501253941122608  thanks!

 

 

Obsession at its finest

I get an idea in my head and I won’t let it go.  Right or wrong I ride it out.  Whether I know the end result will only be disappointment or not.  No one sees that side of OCD.  It’s why I’m typing now.  I wanted to go do other things, but I feeling the overwhelming urge to write, to share, to express myself.  I hate suffering  like this, at times.  At other times it’s comforting, the forced repetition.  It brings peace, even if the end result is negative.  The media I have seen on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder displays that obsession of repetition in physically obvious manner, like Michael J. Fox showed us in the show Scrubs season 3 episodes “My Catalyst” and “My Porcelain God”.  In those it shows him washing his hands over and over uncontrollably.  That is what goes on in our minds.  Thoughts that must be seen to completion every time, whether we want them to or not.  It can hurt us in SO many ways.  For me, it’s financially.  My obsession is spending.  Or, to be more specific, instant gratification.  Gambling, needless collectables, and worse, digital goods and game services.  I know my disorder, how to identify it, how to explain it, but not how to control it.  I do know that until I worked through my depression, I would not be able to move forward with trying to tackle OCD.  This blog and especially those of you that read often and show it have been a major catalyst in healing.  I feel I need to share my story, in case someone does not know what’s happening to them.  A type of anchor for the other broken souls, the Disorderlies(not trademarked, just amusing.  You are not trapped in your disorder forever.  There are people, just like me, out there that are looking for ways to help you, and I.

I had planned on sharing my full story that I have uncovered recently or seemingly unearthed, for there are skeletons I would not ever like to see again, but I want to show you my scars.  Maybe if you see mine, you will see you are not forgotten and not unknown.

I was abused both physically and mentally in my early years by a babe sitter and her twin daughters.  I was a latch key kid, alone more often than not.  Later in school years I was bullied and became an outcast.  Although I met some of the best people I have ever know there.  I made a cascade of bad choices.  I tried to right myself by joining the United States Air Force, but I was far too damaged to succeed.  By then my OCD had become a life altering impediment.  I could not stop spending, even knowing I would fail in doing so.  I did not know what was happening to me.  All I knew is that I had failed.  Not really understanding why.  That is also where I met the 4th worst human ever in my life.  She destroyed all that was good and light inside me by cheating on me time after time.  But I was too obsessed with having a relationship to stop seeing her.  She then got pregnant and life got more complicated then I could comprehend.  After nearly a decade of being a dark soul, emotionally hurting people I never wanted to  Only a few true friends remain in my life from those horrible years, that I see as the most fun I have ever had.  Only when I reflect on my actions of those days do I regret some of my choices.  I ripped myself out of that life at age 30, bringing with me my son and soon to be wife.  The going was rough, to say the least, because I as far from healed then.  That’s when my OCD actually helped me through impossible times.  My job has been the ultimate physical repetition.  I stand in the same place I did when I started 13 years ago.  I cook the same food I did all those years ago, with only minor alterations.  It’s how I survived those most depressed years.  It took my mid life crisis striking me earlier this year, just after turning 43, that I have really started dealing with all of the things I have just shared with all of you.  There are layers upon layers to how the depression started to lift and music, family, friends, my job, and a few other things I can’t talk about, yet, have helped me through the darkest hours.  I would have had a complete nervous breakdown, had it not been through constant introspection.  Through that introspection I discovered my complete and total belief in God and his miracles.  I hope by message can help others to break through their own darkness and hopelessness.  I have faith it will, when you are ready to hear it, or rather read it.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

more about music

I like how music can act like a time machine.  You can close your eyes when “Linger” by the Cranberries comes on and suddenly you remember that time you heard that song and it stuck.  Or you can listen closely to a rappers story and picture the times in your own life when you are reminded of the struggle.

Since my breakdown I have dove into music as a way to piece my different phases of life together to help guide me to who I really am.  What I really like, versus the temporary obsessions caused by the OCD.  If you are lost, I might recommend trying it.  I have had to make amends within myself for all of the choices both good and bad.  I have reconciled my light side with my dark side.

My story up to now is unreal to me.  I have been to the depths of my inner self and seen the mess.  But as my new favorite MC says in his song Sloppy Seconds “Nothing gory means no glory”.  I interpret that to mean our scars define us and make us more interesting rather than the ugliness we see them as.  Those of us that have been abused in some way have a level of gore in our lives that others understand only through empathy.  It leaves us feeling like the odd man out.  I was revolted by my inner scars.

It took me a very long time to forgive myself for all the scars I gave myself.  I mean that only figuratively.   Being in a deep and long lasting depression gets scary when you believe that state of being to be normal.  I’m far from out of the woods, but I feel miles farther that I was.

Thanks for listening.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Note to us

Just a reminder to all of us out here with OCD, Depression, and other disorders of the mind.  You are not alone.  “We are legion for we are many”-Legion from the movie Ghost Rider.  You are not a monster for the thoughts that plague you.  Seeds planted don’t HAVE to be cultivated.  Meaning those dark and ugly thoughts never have to manifest.  Once you realize the things we beat ourselves up for are controllable, to a point, we can start working on finding out how to get rid of it!  Our group needs a cool name…like the Disorderlies.  Just kidding.  We know who we are.  Have a great day.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.