a Writer’s Block

I’ve not felt like writing much lately.  Distracted by passing obsessions and fading vices.  The muse inside is asleep.  I fear it would fade entirely, then I remember my life long curse.  When an obsession takes hold through OCD, the hold is firm and unrelenting.  It threatens several aspects of myself, such as writing and poetry.  Words will fleeting dash across my mind, vanishing like a dream when I try and recall the ideas.  Only the current, hopefully temporary, obsession remains.  What will I do about this and that.  How will I handle each situation regarding anything other than the pressing need to do a thing.  I keep these “things” to myself, they are my burden to bear.  So while you might see a sneer or a glare, know that it’s only temporary.  Something has a hold on me again, and the battle is reinstated.  I often hope that I’m the only one with struggles like these, again I would never wish this on anther human being.  Consumed so fully by a task, habit, show, game, etc.  Thanks for listening, until next time.  Peace to you and yours.

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Invisible Lines

Something different today.

Seems like our lives are encased in invisible lines,

Spaces and boundaries and moments in time,

That’s legal here, but over there it’s not,

I like you near, so near it gets hot,

But don’t talk about this, don’t speak about that,

Don’t tell people that you think they are flat,

Do what we say, follow the rules, stay in the lines,

Wrap yourself in these incorporeal vines,

Myspace, your space, their space, their place,

my place, don’t face, don’t pace, keep pace,

Follow along, hear the song, wait for the gong,

Take a breath and breathe, let rest your mind,

Your mind matters, it just takes time,

Drop the pills pour out the sauce,

Never forget you’re your boss,

The lines only exists if we let them,

Like who you like, even if it’s not men,

Colored lines are the worst, they drive me insane,

As though they were cursed for being in the wrong lane,

We the People need to realize we’re all the same,

People’s lives are not a frakkin’ game,

Stop playing with our health, it’s so lame,

Mental or physical, please treat us right,

No more medication to sleep through a night,

Let our hearts and minds run free once more,

Stop treating us all like that feasting boar,

Gorging yourself on our time causing gore,

The cost is too high, the time is neigh, don’t be shy,

Make yourself fly, sing to the sky, take back your pie,

Not just one slice, not one single piece,

Take the whole thing, it is within reach,

Look for what’s missing to see what’s to gain,

Freedom of speech has had time to explain,

No authority granted permits you spread pain,

So please feel free to drop your cane,

Do not hurt us, it’s inhumane,

Keep your fake cures, your thoughts are inane,

Breaking our minds so you can maintain,

A lifestyle that exceeds even Dr. Dre,

You drain our lives so you can play,

Broke our soul, can’t smoke a bowl,

It took it’s toll, you’re on a roll,

All that you stole, accept your own role,

Let’s take a stroll, dance around the pole,

No I won’t answer another poll,

Our choice was bad or evil,

Which did we choose,

I think it’s a weasel,

Can’t tell yet, that’s clear,

I bet it started at hold my beer,

Watch their reaction, I bet they all cheer,

Cheered and Jeered,

Steered and Smeared,

Red, White and Blue,

Who actually asked you,

Maybe it’s time to shoo,

Hop on that choo-choo

Get the heck back to your nice house,

Stop telling dudes they can’t wear a blouse,

Get us back to reality,

Turn back on the gravity,

Lets feel all the levity,

Realize the brevity,

For real this time, we don’t have an eternity,

Hear the pop now,

Don’t stop now,

Shop now,

Not for stuff and things that are disposable,

Live a life quotable,

Not with the status quo,

It’s not uncontrollable,

You’re the star of the show,

Don’t take a bow until you know,

Make the sun shine, let yourself grow,

It’s never too late to see your own glow,

Thanks for your time, it’s precious I know,

When you struggle at times, remember the flow,

If life gives you lemons, trade them to someone who got limes.

If you don’t like limes, then just keep looking, there’s still time,

Open yourself to a new world sublime,

Where healing is free and almost no crime,

When true hope comes we can relax,

less hax, less tax, less wax, more lax,

some slack, don’t stack, halt the attack,

plant the seed, god speed, please heed,

We need good deed, maybe weed,

don’t impede, no misdeed, are we freed,

Peace for now, I like to say,

Have yourselves one great day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note to us

Just a reminder to all of us out here with OCD, Depression, and other disorders of the mind.  You are not alone.  “We are legion for we are many”-Legion from the movie Ghost Rider.  You are not a monster for the thoughts that plague you.  Seeds planted don’t HAVE to be cultivated.  Meaning those dark and ugly thoughts never have to manifest.  Once you realize the things we beat ourselves up for are controllable, to a point, we can start working on finding out how to get rid of it!  Our group needs a cool name…like the Disorderlies.  Just kidding.  We know who we are.  Have a great day.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Delving deeper

The more I look into Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, the more things make sense in terms of my mental issues.  I suffered a mild concussion when I was a small child, this could have been the moment the disorder was started.  Normally it’s not a crippling disorder and most people with it live totally normal lives.  I believe that certain traumatic circumstances or periods of extreme stress can trigger the effects.  Also I have come to believe from personal experience that certain medications could also trigger it.  The depression I struggled with for so long led me to think that OCD was not real, that I had no problems.  When the result of being triggered becomes a problem is when the desired repetition of actions is instant gratification related, such as gambling or binge spending.  This has cost me dearly, but I should be able to monitor my spending habits better now.

This blog has been my connection to a decent number of people whom also suffer from OCD.  I hope that my explanations and workthroughs/arounds can help others.  It might not be curable yet, but it is manageable.  You are not a slave your disorder and neither am I.  Stay tuned ’til next time.  Peace to you and yours.

College at 43

Getting accepted, setting up financing, and finding a place to rent from so far away is an incredible challenge.  Not to mention all the hurdles in each of those steps.

Some days I feel the challenge could be too daunting for me.  I know better, but doubt and depression go hand in hand.  I have been overwhelmed the past couple weeks.  I feel too much, think too much, react too much.  All because I want something more from life.  I don’t want the burden of OCD for the rest of my days.  I have no idea how to stop it, but I have to find out.  There has to be a biological reason that my cells don’t act/react the same as other people.  There also has to be a way to fix that.  Emotions and feelings are cellular reactions.  They are a physical response to stimuli.  Therefor there should be a reasonable way to repair a mis wired or malfunctioning set of molecules.  If depression can be lifted, even temporarily, by any means, then it is logical to believe that mental disorders can be fixed.  Cured.  The body can be healed, I just don’t know how yet.  Some kind of plant?  My favorite theory is the use of nanites to scrub the cells clean and repair any damage.  If they can do that, then they could rewire them to behave normally.  These are the things I think about as I cook at work.  This is what consumes so much of my time lately.  I’m obsessing over having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder…to me, that’s funny.

Peace to you and yours, from me and mine.  I hope your troubles flee from you.  I hope your days go well.  I hope the suns shines on you.

The Future is Now.

This will be part of the mission statement of my Biotech company that I will build, one day.  Lead by a board of directors that focus on morals and ethics, rather than bottom lines.  I will create a company focused on healing the human body.  With branches in entertainment and luxury for income.  Also perhaps a defense branch, because we still live in a violent world.  This is my goal.  My dream.  It will focus on R&D of Biochemical, Biomedical, and Biomechanical means of repairing the human body.

For now though, I have to go be a chef:)  Have a wonderful day.                                                -Jarred Brown, dreamer and idealist.

Just a thought

I think we need better, more long lasting ways of curing depression.  Current methods are simply not good enough.  It’s either through suppression meds, or mostly illegal plants.  Neither of which have lasting effects.  Someone invent nanites with AI capabilities to clean off molecules of sticky proteins please.  Maybe they can use sonic emitters to shake it off, or make an advanced nanite that can use small tools like arms to pull off the junk.  This could also help with plaque build up.  One of you super smart tech people make this happen:D  Meanwhile I will continue to look into more biological means.

We are all gifted.

My gifts are creativity, imagination, compassion, empathy, humor, and hope.  My hope is that we won’t stay in our current depressed state for much longer.  Every day is a step closer.

What are yours?  Your words?  Your actions?  We all have them, we don’t always acknowledge them.  Can you smile even though the pain is overwhelming?  Can you keep a stiff upper lip in a battle you don’t feel you can win?  Do you go out of your way to make others feel good?  Make them laugh?  Do you stand up every day, even though all you want to do is not move?  You are not alone in your struggles.

This message was not for everyone, but there are a few that need to hear it now.  Thanks for reading!

I like you!

I like when you stop by.  I like when you take your time to visit me.  We don’t know each other yet.  My story is an interesting one, in my mind.  The fact that a single one of you stops by to read and reach out is so amazing.  The ones with messages, BBB and CM, thanks for choosing to be my friend.  I hope you find peace in your days.  Reach out of me if you are ever in need, for real.  I will try and help.  We are all one species.  One race.  There is little difference between us, if you really think about it.  We are men and women.  Some are both.  Some are different shades of human.  Yet we all struggle with things.  Not the same things, but our feelings are similar.  We all hurt, we all cry, we all feel courage when we need it.  We look to our heroes in times of need.  We all, each of us, can stand as a beacon in the darkness.  You are not alone out there.  My troubles by seem trivial to some, but they are the hardest things I will ever know.  Yours are just as real, just as important.  Every time you cry, we are all here.  There are times when I want to lay down and sleep it all away.  I am tired.  I don’t know if I have what it takes.  I will never know unless I take that leap of faith.  It’s crazy of me to pick up and go to school in CT, but it feels like the right thing to do.  I have so much to learn and it seems like the best place to start.  I worry constantly.  Just like the rest of you.  Will we make it?  Who knows.  But I will keep pushing, so that one day no one will know what it’s like to have OCD.  One day the world won’t be so depressed.  There is always hope.  There is always light.  Each one of us has it within.  We just have to share it.  One candle is nice.  All of them can light up the world.

Sense8 Season 1 and 2

This title says it.  Sense8 is a Netflix Original that I would highly recommend.  The story is amazingly intricate and interwoven.  The show itself is a beautiful tapestry of stories that can been seen as 1 and yet 8, at the same time.  The actors/actress’ are all phenomenal in their roles.  Each can reach out to at least one viewer, in the end, you yourself can feel connected to each character by proxy.  Parts of the show even seem relevant to real life issues.