In the beginning of this year I started experiencing my mid life crisis.  On top of that I came to understand that my anti anxiety medication was doing far more harm than good.  The initial shock and realization of the situation I was in had me very alarmed.  I started to franticly search for some exterior stimuli to kick start myself again.  Through the months since then I have come to understand that it was not my exterior that needed changes, it was my interior crying for help.  I have kept the blog since near the start of the internal change.  Many of you have been here from the start.  I cannot say I’m 100%, but I’m well on my way to healing inside.

The next steps are unclear to me.  Not being able to afford college is a set back, so I have to come up with new ideas for moving forward.  I am grateful to God for my recovery.  Without his divine grace I would have shattered some time ago.

I still have dreams of going to the east coast, I simply have to find other routes.  My OCD still has a massive effect on me.  Until I figure out how to control it better, I have to stick to what I know how to do, cooking for a living.   I will continue to study philosophy and psychology without a specific school for now.  The information is out there, I just have to find it.

I know that I have a good life and I am grateful.  I don’t keep writing here just for myself.  I keep pushing because I know there are others out there like me.  We need to find a cure for OCD, not just a workaround.  Thanks for listening today.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.


When will the chaos stop

It’s a secret question we ask ourselves.  Whether we mean it towards our daily lives or our internal self.  We see the chaos on every level.  The chaos being that maelstrom of emotions within and rapid fire stimuli without.

Some days humanity seems like it’s being tested on a daily basis.  What levels of greatness can we achieve?  What are the true depth of human depravity?  We each see these things in different manners, but we all see them none the less.  Here in the US our depravities are as deep as any yawning chasm.  Our greatness outshines those flaws, in our opinion.  We watch movies that depict every manner of horrible thing a human can do to another so we can either feel the horror or elation of those moments.  On the other hand we have people that strive every moment of every day so that others will live a better life of peace and acceptance.  I might hazard a guess that readers from other countries might feel the same way about their homeland.  Humanity is the same, no matter the region.  Some places just find better ways of wrangling the chaos.

I enjoy sharing my thoughts about these topics.  I take some manner of peace in knowing that I am not alone.  I read your stories and feel like they are parts of me, because they are on some levels.  We have felt the same feelings and sensations.  The grip of fear that tightens around your heart.  The depression that you can literally feel pushing you down to a proverbial kneel.  The feeling of juxtaposition inside oneself as well as the world around us.  The Razor cuts away the improbable(Occam’s Razor).  I enjoy the those moments of peace.

None of us are actually alone, though all of us feel like it.  How odd is that, really?  We can exist in a sea of 7 billion 46 million people, we can feel like no one knows us.  Like no one cares.  But that is a lie.  Every person that cries a little, even on the inside, when they see a sad moment in a show, video clip, or movie cares.  They feel that little moment of empathy.

I would guess that’s another reason the internet was invented.  We have strived in every way to connect one person to another.  From campfires in ancient times, their light attracting strangers to it’s warmth, to social media and beyond.  The human spirit desires unity.  I hope I live long enough for the majority to catch on.

We’ve seen what we believe to be the worst in human kind.  We’ve seen what we think is the best.  Now we need to see the balance of those things.  It goes the same when you are dealing with your own internal struggles.  You have to find the balance within yourself.  Accept that your dark side is part of you.  Remember the thoughts don’t make you evil.  Your deeds show your true colors.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

on pause

My dreams of moving to the east coast and going back to school must be pause again.  It’s more like rescheduled.  It is simply too expensive to move from the Midwest to the East Coast in such a short time.  Now that I feel far more internally reconciled I can focus on moving forward again, rather than be so focused inward.

On this subject, I despise our financial system.  It was created to trade tangible items from person to person.  Now it’s much more obscure.  We don’t carry currency as often.  We use a digital system of belief.  I say it like that because there is not enough cash in the world for every single person to withdraw at once.  Meaning much of the money we think we have does not actually exist in a physical form.  On top of that some people even trade that for purely digital items.  Things/experiences that would not be accessible without a media device.  This point of this little rant was that in the USA the costs for any person has increased so much farther than it should, based on a system that is digitally inflated.  Remove the theoretical monies and IOUs from the system and see where costs then settle.

Thanks for listening!  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

a good day

Today is a good day.  I have been through so much lately, but this morning when I woke up things were just a shade different.

I would like to talk about faith, but before we get started lets clarify that I mean faith in the broadest sense of the word and in no way mean any specific faith based anything.  One of the amazing things that faith does for a person is to open themselves up for more introspection.  We take a closer look at ourselves, our words, and our deeds.  It’s not a crutch for the weak minded, nor is it a tool for controlling the masses.  It’s a means for every person to look inside themselves and evaluate what they like and don’t like about themselves.  It inspires us to reconcile with ourselves, thus allowing better relationships with other people.

I would also like to banish the notion that faith and science are to be separate.  A logical mind can still believe in things/powers/energies that are greater than ourselves.  It also allows some of us to understand that we are not always in control of our surroundings.  We can however, control how we respond to them.  To me, faith can be something so simple as just letting yourself stop worrying about doing everything all at once.  Allowing yourself to rest your mind in the fact that everything will work out the way it is meant to.

For me I believe in God, as well as the natural law that exists through all things.  I believe he communicates to us in ways that we can comprehend.  She allows us greater insight into our own emotions and give us the ability to empathize with others more easily.  They set standards of actions, so that we can use our free will for the better of everyone, not just own selfish desires.

I believe we are all connected at the core.  The only reason, in my opinion, that we don’t have a utopian society is that we don’t want one yet.  We have discovered that through adversity and strife that the best and worst traits of mankind can be explored at great length.  We as a species have yet to reach the pinnacle of our potential.

Faith shows us a way to look inside ourselves in a manner above and beyond the basics of introspection.  Science gives us ways to take that understanding of a greater world and push it’s limits farther.  We have made great strides as a people, but we have a long way to go.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Jarred Brown-Full Father Alchemist

Delving deeper

The more I look into Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, the more things make sense in terms of my mental issues.  I suffered a mild concussion when I was a small child, this could have been the moment the disorder was started.  Normally it’s not a crippling disorder and most people with it live totally normal lives.  I believe that certain traumatic circumstances or periods of extreme stress can trigger the effects.  Also I have come to believe from personal experience that certain medications could also trigger it.  The depression I struggled with for so long led me to think that OCD was not real, that I had no problems.  When the result of being triggered becomes a problem is when the desired repetition of actions is instant gratification related, such as gambling or binge spending.  This has cost me dearly, but I should be able to monitor my spending habits better now.

This blog has been my connection to a decent number of people whom also suffer from OCD.  I hope that my explanations and workthroughs/arounds can help others.  It might not be curable yet, but it is manageable.  You are not a slave your disorder and neither am I.  Stay tuned ’til next time.  Peace to you and yours.

OCD Revelations

One of the really great and wonderful things that has occurred lately is that while working through my depression, OCD, and midlife crisis have opened my eyes to things I had overlooked.  Like showing my wife more appreciation and admitting to when I am wrong.  There is more to it, but that’s private.

I have been searching WordPress for other people that suffer from OCD.  So many similarities between us, but one constant.  There is no cure yet.  Being “cursed” with a mental disorder is alarming to most of us.  Those that discover it later in life are able to make past instances more understandable as far as mental well being is concerned.  Some anxiety and depression are lifted, since an open understanding of the constant flow of internalized negative thoughts is reasoned to be the disorder and not some believed deserved punishment from past or present transgressions.  I am also finding that some cases of OCD manifests itself in the form of constantly repeating an action or activity for minutes/hours/years.  I am seeing some of these cases are “triggered” by a significantly distressful ordeal that in effect overloads the mind and causes a constant flow of repeated messages in order to bypass the mental trauma.

In my case it started in part very early as a block to the abuse that was done to me by a babysitter.  Followed by being bullied and tormented in school and beyond for no good reason.  The greatest blow was being betrayed by my daughter’s mother, but the disorder was already present and doing it’s damage by them.  Only through deep introspection have I been able to put all the pieces together, with a lot of prayer and reliance on friends and family to bear with me while this was all going on.

This leads me to my latest decision to be made.  Do I continue on my path to study Philosophy, as a means to understand the various past ideas of healing the body through unusual means or pursuing phycology to assist with the direct intervention of fellow troubled souls.

Thanks for stopping by.  Peace to you and yours.

More about the struggle

If you do not take responsibility for consciously becoming aware of your shadow traits, you will find them projected onto others (of the same sex) in your environment. You may feel an irrational instinctive hatred for virtual strangers-The Modern Alchemist: A Guide to Personal Transformation
©1994 by Richard and Iona Miller

This is a great bit taken from the material I’ve been reading.  I understand this as, once you realize you are dealing with your own depression and the shadow side of yourself.  Your real and true dark side.  The dark thoughts that haunt you. The unethical and immoral actions you have taken that disturb you at your core.  We then project that on to others, that we may externalize our fears and regrets.  What I am studying now is how to reconcile my dark and light sides.  Finding the balance.  Depolarizing myself.  Working to break the paradigms I have created throughout life.  I called it decompartmentalizing  each chapter of life based on age, location, job, and current music habits.  I spoke some time ago about linking music to memories.  I did this to guard myself. So I could just stop listening to types of music in order to forget.

I believe that we could, as a whole species, embrace the thought process in order to move past the current state of discontent we feel towards one another.  Look within ourselves to see why we have issues with things like race, sex, gender, religion, or income status.  Like I have said before, if a person’s individual actions don’t directly effect you or those you protect, then it should not concern you.   The pigment in skin does nothing to you.  Their chromosome pattern does not affect you.  The side of their internal polarity towards masculine or feminine does not cause you ill.  And so and so forth.

As I work towards the healing of myself, I enjoy sharing.  Secretly I hope that someone reading this is positively motivated by it.  Like so many of my fellow blogger’s work has come to me when I needed it.  Thanks for reading today.  Peace to you and yours.

What if?

I believe that today, in 2017, we should be able to all see reason.  We should be able to come together as a race and start thinking like it.  What if we, as one race, could once again get together, as they did in the times of the Library of Alexandria, and re examine each religion and it’s branches to find out what unites them, rather than focus on what separates us.  Those with true faith, no matter their back ground, could come to a greater understanding of the love thy neighbor idea.  Not just the one down the street.  I mean the ones oceans away from us.  Like I have said recently, we really are not all that different.  We are all humans with thoughts and emotions.  These emotions are the same for every person.  Happy is happy, sad is sad, and so on.  The only difference is the ones we create within our own paradigm.  Remember when we were children?  The only way we had an issue with another human is if they did something directly to us.  Otherwise every face was someone new and exciting to meet.  Somewhere along the way we lost that awe and wonderment.  Taught early on that we are all different.  Special little snowflakes.  No two are alike.  Polarized.

I am no one of consequence.  I don’t have a degree yet.  I am a simple cook in the middle of the USA.  If I can come to this understanding, it’s not hard for me to believe that a greater majority could too.  Stop looking at what makes us separated.  We can all be different without being at odds.

How do we get to this point?  I don’t have those answers.  I wish I did.  We have to take back our world.  Have a great day.  Peace to you and yours.

Christmas in July

I am watching a TV series on Hulu called The Librarians.  It’s a really enjoyable series.  This episode is about Christmas.  It’s meaning is to remind us that the Christmas holiday is about reminding people of the hope and good will that the season brings.  We should have holidays like that more than once a year!  I enjoy that time of year, because most everyone takes some time to spread that joy around.

I’ve really been pondering a lot about these kinds of ideals lately.  Things come in to perspective every once in a while for me.  A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression and prescribed Citalopram.  The drug worked great at first, I felt better about life and things were easier to cope with.  After a rather short time I had to have the dosage increased due to a built up tolerance.  I have not even considered taking my own life.  It never crossed  my mind, until after using the Citalopram.  I understood the danger I was in, so I consulted my doctor and was changed to Duloxetine.  This drug chemically neutered me, I started to gain weight as well as having lost nearly all interest in my previous hobbies.  In the week following my last birthday, I had an internal meltdown that resulted igniting my mid life crisis to an extreme degree.  Instead of making a few subtle changes I decided to completely overhaul my entire life.  In all of this time, the realization of my obsessive compulsive disorder flaring out of control compacted all of my troubles.  I put us in a debt that will take me some time to earn out of.

Through all of this I have caused grief to some, of which I am very sorry.  Also I have come to realize that I might just be lucky, in a sense.  Since I had never contemplated suicide a time in my life, when it did come to mind I was able to understand it was not real.  I panic when I think about that.  What about those who might think it’s real.

A result, all of these past events have lead me to lean on my faith in God and to study further into Logos, The Word of God.  I doubt my faith on a nearly daily basis, but was reminded by a fellow blogger today that sometimes you need to let go and leave things in God’s hands for a time.  https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/67117789/posts/1519672968  is the article, it’s worth a read.

I have started reading the Corpus Hermeticus and The Hermetica, which are believed to be written by Hermes and translated later in the wonderous city of Alexandria.  It’s beginning is what seems to be the very first conversation between man and Man-Shepard, or what we understand as God.  It’s a reminder that even back then, most of the worlds civilized people could come together from all races and religions available to the area to unite in ideas and theories to further the entire species.  So I have hope that one day we’ll know that kind of peace again.  Peace to you and yours.

Sadness of Snowflakes

I realized the other day that we, the human race, are all special little snowflakes.

We are each a unique individual from the moment of creation, until we are then reminded that we are, in fact, all the same drops of water as we return to the earth.

I hope more people will come to see it this way.  The only way to bring more harmony to our world is to stop being in constant conflict.  Remember to love your individuality AND your unity.

So I ask you, when you see you are the same, does it make you sad to know that for all of your uniqueness you are the same as the worst person you’ve ever met?  Or are you happy that you are the same as the most amazing humans to every walk the earth?  I say choose to accept both truths as one and the same.  Don’t polarize yourself as much.