Obsession, part of the Disorder

One of the tougher parts of OCD to deal with is the obsessions.  They are unshakable desires to do something.  Whether it’s an addiction, such as cigarettes, or something so simple as a card game, Magic the Gathering, the obsession can be so overwhelming that it seemingly controls your actions.  That’s where the compulsive part of the disorder ruins everything.  Where normally a person can control an obsession, Obsessive Compulsive disorder can control themselves, when the compulsion kicks in it is no longer probable to resist the obsession.  You don’t feel complete or whole until it is fulfilled.  For me it’s basic vices, things that send life into disorder, but not unrecoverable.  I fear for some, the compulsions are too dark, such as displayed in the Showtime series Dexter.  How fine is the line between a simple drive to clean the same spot the same way forever and the dark abyss of horrific obsession?  I sure hope there is a cure in the works.

For myself, it’s a very real and very terrifying reality.  I fear that a simple rabbit hole might turn into a nightmare reality.

Trying to figure out the triggers has been very difficult.  Stress, positive or negative, seems to be the most prevalent.  This, I believe is why anti depressants had a negative effect.  The “high” of the dopamine fades, but the obsession with the consistent good moods did not, causing a downward spiral that was near fatal.

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Scary

Why is it so scary to feel good,

What is it I misunderstood,

Wave of happy we never want to stop,

Gotta remember can’t live at the top,

The low and highs are all part and partial,

Feeling happy, we just can’t marshall,

Our internal light was growing neigh,

If we can’t be happy, we just want to die,

But it’s all in the balance, I hope you can see,

Relish the light of creativity,

Enduring the lows became the normal,

Feeling the highs is feeling formal,

Denying ourselves the basic desires,

Not letting it out, just stoking the fires,

Living in rage,

No more on stage,

Life in a cage,

Seeking a sage,

Seething in rage,

Not turning the page

Found only a maze,

Looking inwards a haze,

Past memories a blaze,

My mind in a craze,

But pardon my phrase,

I speak out of phase,

Overwhelming malaise,

Felt lost in that maze,

My minotaur would enrage,

Past memories were now pyres,

Creativity re-inspires,

Life changed from uniformal,

To nearly paranormal,

Nor more passivity,

More clearly now I can see,

There is so much more behind my eye,

I can now permit myself to cry,

No longer now shall I stall,

This life to give must get it all,

I must discard my prop,

One more habit I must drop,

It is no longer misunderstood,

We are allowed to feel good.

 

 

In Doubt

Dear lord please hear me out,

Many people are live in doubt,

I wanna scream and shout,

It’s not fair let them out,

We trusted, got dusted, some busted, maladjusted, still crusted, disgusted

Hooked on a chem, crooked rich men, free us from them, tired of waiting ’til then,

Why does humanity act like an experiment,

For rich or poor we’re all here, a testament,

Our souls are here to the show what we meant,

Sing, write, play, show, paint, vent.

Always about to boil,

Forgot why we toil,

Why must they foil,

Can’t we just live in peace,

Live our lives, love life, we’re here on lease,

Give us a break before we all cease.

 

 

 

 

 

Invisible Lines

Something different today.

Seems like our lives are encased in invisible lines,

Spaces and boundaries and moments in time,

That’s legal here, but over there it’s not,

I like you near, so near it gets hot,

But don’t talk about this, don’t speak about that,

Don’t tell people that you think they are flat,

Do what we say, follow the rules, stay in the lines,

Wrap yourself in these incorporeal vines,

Myspace, your space, their space, their place,

my place, don’t face, don’t pace, keep pace,

Follow along, hear the song, wait for the gong,

Take a breath and breathe, let rest your mind,

Your mind matters, it just takes time,

Drop the pills pour out the sauce,

Never forget you’re your boss,

The lines only exists if we let them,

Like who you like, even if it’s not men,

Colored lines are the worst, they drive me insane,

As though they were cursed for being in the wrong lane,

We the People need to realize we’re all the same,

People’s lives are not a frakkin’ game,

Stop playing with our health, it’s so lame,

Mental or physical, please treat us right,

No more medication to sleep through a night,

Let our hearts and minds run free once more,

Stop treating us all like that feasting boar,

Gorging yourself on our time causing gore,

The cost is too high, the time is neigh, don’t be shy,

Make yourself fly, sing to the sky, take back your pie,

Not just one slice, not one single piece,

Take the whole thing, it is within reach,

Look for what’s missing to see what’s to gain,

Freedom of speech has had time to explain,

No authority granted permits you spread pain,

So please feel free to drop your cane,

Do not hurt us, it’s inhumane,

Keep your fake cures, your thoughts are inane,

Breaking our minds so you can maintain,

A lifestyle that exceeds even Dr. Dre,

You drain our lives so you can play,

Broke our soul, can’t smoke a bowl,

It took it’s toll, you’re on a roll,

All that you stole, accept your own role,

Let’s take a stroll, dance around the pole,

No I won’t answer another poll,

Our choice was bad or evil,

Which did we choose,

I think it’s a weasel,

Can’t tell yet, that’s clear,

I bet it started at hold my beer,

Watch their reaction, I bet they all cheer,

Cheered and Jeered,

Steered and Smeared,

Red, White and Blue,

Who actually asked you,

Maybe it’s time to shoo,

Hop on that choo-choo

Get the heck back to your nice house,

Stop telling dudes they can’t wear a blouse,

Get us back to reality,

Turn back on the gravity,

Lets feel all the levity,

Realize the brevity,

For real this time, we don’t have an eternity,

Hear the pop now,

Don’t stop now,

Shop now,

Not for stuff and things that are disposable,

Live a life quotable,

Not with the status quo,

It’s not uncontrollable,

You’re the star of the show,

Don’t take a bow until you know,

Make the sun shine, let yourself grow,

It’s never too late to see your own glow,

Thanks for your time, it’s precious I know,

When you struggle at times, remember the flow,

If life gives you lemons, trade them to someone who got limes.

If you don’t like limes, then just keep looking, there’s still time,

Open yourself to a new world sublime,

Where healing is free and almost no crime,

When true hope comes we can relax,

less hax, less tax, less wax, more lax,

some slack, don’t stack, halt the attack,

plant the seed, god speed, please heed,

We need good deed, maybe weed,

don’t impede, no misdeed, are we freed,

Peace for now, I like to say,

Have yourselves one great day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why the Vulgarity?

While the majority see vulgarity as something lewd unacceptable.  To me life is vulgar.  What is shared in public is a massively watered down version of the truth.  Mainstream music, movies, and television give us a clean version of stories.  Our clean versions use limited vocabularies to soften the blow of what we hear and see.  We then emulate that version into our everyday lives in how we interact with one another in public arenas.

So we then get to those situations you don’t talk about in the open.  The horrible atrocities that are committed on a daily basis.  Racial murders, rape, religious brutality.  That horrible and vulgar reality is more than most people can process.  It depresses us all.  With music and internet media not having the same filters we can be bombarded with those unspeakable topics more often and thus we internally fear we may start emulating that behavior, but instead more and more people are starting to empathize with more issues and causing some increased levels of depression.  We’re feeling more for others around the world than I believe humans have throughout it’s existence.  It also seems like more people are willing to spend their lives dedicated to helping each other in any way they can.  I’m noticing in the music world the songs are more about helping people through hard times and being supportive of the underdog.  It’s quite amazing and inspiring.

Through the worlds vulgarity we can see the true beauty that lies within each of us.  To combat our depression we have to understand why we feel it.  It’s not because you or I are somehow broken or different from the masses.  Every person feels the weight, expressed in different ways.  It’s because we have felt pain from the beginning.  Either our own or through empathy toward others.  So we are so depressed we no longer want to care, because we have always cared and can’t understand why others don’t feel the exact same way.  Why do all of the worlds atrocities still exists if everyone could feel empathy?  I believe it’s because of the cultures created to water down the truths we hear.

Amazing innovators such as Mark Zuckerberg, Reed Hastings, Dr. Dre, Jimmy Iovine, Elan Musk, and Clive Barker bring us ways of detaching from pre programed media and show us different ways of experiencing our world and seeing the each others troubles and tribulation.

I feel like we can work through depression without doctor prescribed medication.  We have to reconcile within ourselves our differing sides.  Don’t punish yourself for the horrible deeds done to you by someone else.  It wasn’t your fault.

Thank you for listening, until next time.  Peace to you and yours.

 

Learning to cope

I have been able to recall most all of the negative factors that I let control my life.  My challenge now is to cope with them and make peace within myself so I can move forward.  When I first met my wife, I learned early on of some dark things that have happened to her.  I had thought I was saving her.  I may have assisted in some ways, but she has, in turn helped save me from myself.  Since she has had to deal with those memories for so long, she is very understanding and supportive of me while I have gone through this breakdown and rebuilding process.

This blog has been a wonderful source of sharing.  I know I have said this before, but for those of you who have not considered writing/reading other peoples blogs, I would suggest you dive in to WordPress for a few minutes.  This is a forum for people from all over the world to share their lives in glorious goriest detail.  It is what reality TV should have been.  It is pure and unscripted life, full of an ocean of emotions.  You can read and see the beautiful things your neighbors perceive.  It make me believe there is a chance for the world to change.  If more people can see that we are all so similar, then we can simply stop acknowledging the divides to push us apart.

As I have been working through my depression and as I learn to cope with OCD, I have delved deep into introspection and philosophy as a means of understanding the how and why of human behavior.  I think that if I can understand myself better, that I can reach out to others and understand them better.  Thus allowing me to find a better way for mass numbers of people to work through their own depression, rather than medicating it with pharmaceutical drugs that do more harm than good, to some.  Now if I can just figure out how to put this all together and make it make sense.  Less people would have to pay to feel better.  Less people would have to spend so much on trying to get healed internally.  They could gain the strength and self confidence that comes from dealing with your issues head on.  Accepting yourself is a long process, but it is possible.

And maybe, just maybe, once the majority realize they can help themselves, then we can reach out to one another.  We can all then start working towards real and lasting peace.  The war machine can take a rest.  We the people can take care of the rest.

I think I’ve said enough for now, I’m just a simple man.  But I swear, if I can reach this point of understanding, anyone can.  I like to believe there is hope again.  So I can start to cope, again.   Cope with a reality that reeks of racism still.  Cope with seeing that sexism just can’t die.  Coping with the fact that sexual assault still assaults our friends and family.  I was hoping this world would be better by now.  I grew up believing that one day all of the petty things that tear us asunder would be nothing but past memories.  Like the scars inside of me.  Like the scars inside of you.  Everyone person in this world is given free will.  Free to take any action.  Free to say any words.  It’s time for the billions and billions of quiet souls to shout now.  Shout at our world itself.  Remind ourselves that we are more than just the sum total of our cell phones and social media accounts.  For a simple man that had enough to say, I guess I sure had more just sitting around in the corners of my mind.  Words that I think might help just one or two people, so they can help a few and so on and so forth until we hear that popcorn sound.

I am inspired to write by artists I listen to and by the stories I’ve read on here.  Along with the wonderful Instagram stories I follow.  I’ve learned that normally the nicest people have the deepest scars, because they don’t want anyone else to feel what they have.  I’ve learned that faith comes in every shape and size.  I’ve learned that people have not forgotten how to be amazing.  From the performers at the Warped Tour, to the magnificent sponsors, to the person who transformed right in front of me in the Watsky line.

There is hope for us all still.

Thanks for listen.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Side note- My wife has been grown her nail tech business very nicely, check her out at https://www.facebook.com/Ladybugsnailsalon/posts/1854932878157668?notif_t=notify_me_page&notif_id=1501253941122608  thanks!

 

 

Overshare

In the beginning of this year I started experiencing my mid life crisis.  On top of that I came to understand that my anti anxiety medication was doing far more harm than good.  The initial shock and realization of the situation I was in had me very alarmed.  I started to franticly search for some exterior stimuli to kick start myself again.  Through the months since then I have come to understand that it was not my exterior that needed changes, it was my interior crying for help.  I have kept the blog since near the start of the internal change.  Many of you have been here from the start.  I cannot say I’m 100%, but I’m well on my way to healing inside.

The next steps are unclear to me.  Not being able to afford college is a set back, so I have to come up with new ideas for moving forward.  I am grateful to God for my recovery.  Without his divine grace I would have shattered some time ago.

I still have dreams of going to the east coast, I simply have to find other routes.  My OCD still has a massive effect on me.  Until I figure out how to control it better, I have to stick to what I know how to do, cooking for a living.   I will continue to study philosophy and psychology without a specific school for now.  The information is out there, I just have to find it.

I know that I have a good life and I am grateful.  I don’t keep writing here just for myself.  I keep pushing because I know there are others out there like me.  We need to find a cure for OCD, not just a workaround.  Thanks for listening today.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

When will the chaos stop

It’s a secret question we ask ourselves.  Whether we mean it towards our daily lives or our internal self.  We see the chaos on every level.  The chaos being that maelstrom of emotions within and rapid fire stimuli without.

Some days humanity seems like it’s being tested on a daily basis.  What levels of greatness can we achieve?  What are the true depth of human depravity?  We each see these things in different manners, but we all see them none the less.  Here in the US our depravities are as deep as any yawning chasm.  Our greatness outshines those flaws, in our opinion.  We watch movies that depict every manner of horrible thing a human can do to another so we can either feel the horror or elation of those moments.  On the other hand we have people that strive every moment of every day so that others will live a better life of peace and acceptance.  I might hazard a guess that readers from other countries might feel the same way about their homeland.  Humanity is the same, no matter the region.  Some places just find better ways of wrangling the chaos.

I enjoy sharing my thoughts about these topics.  I take some manner of peace in knowing that I am not alone.  I read your stories and feel like they are parts of me, because they are on some levels.  We have felt the same feelings and sensations.  The grip of fear that tightens around your heart.  The depression that you can literally feel pushing you down to a proverbial kneel.  The feeling of juxtaposition inside oneself as well as the world around us.  The Razor cuts away the improbable(Occam’s Razor).  I enjoy the those moments of peace.

None of us are actually alone, though all of us feel like it.  How odd is that, really?  We can exist in a sea of 7 billion 46 million people, we can feel like no one knows us.  Like no one cares.  But that is a lie.  Every person that cries a little, even on the inside, when they see a sad moment in a show, video clip, or movie cares.  They feel that little moment of empathy.

I would guess that’s another reason the internet was invented.  We have strived in every way to connect one person to another.  From campfires in ancient times, their light attracting strangers to it’s warmth, to social media and beyond.  The human spirit desires unity.  I hope I live long enough for the majority to catch on.

We’ve seen what we believe to be the worst in human kind.  We’ve seen what we think is the best.  Now we need to see the balance of those things.  It goes the same when you are dealing with your own internal struggles.  You have to find the balance within yourself.  Accept that your dark side is part of you.  Remember the thoughts don’t make you evil.  Your deeds show your true colors.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

on pause

My dreams of moving to the east coast and going back to school must be pause again.  It’s more like rescheduled.  It is simply too expensive to move from the Midwest to the East Coast in such a short time.  Now that I feel far more internally reconciled I can focus on moving forward again, rather than be so focused inward.

On this subject, I despise our financial system.  It was created to trade tangible items from person to person.  Now it’s much more obscure.  We don’t carry currency as often.  We use a digital system of belief.  I say it like that because there is not enough cash in the world for every single person to withdraw at once.  Meaning much of the money we think we have does not actually exist in a physical form.  On top of that some people even trade that for purely digital items.  Things/experiences that would not be accessible without a media device.  This point of this little rant was that in the USA the costs for any person has increased so much farther than it should, based on a system that is digitally inflated.  Remove the theoretical monies and IOUs from the system and see where costs then settle.

Thanks for listening!  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

a good day

Today is a good day.  I have been through so much lately, but this morning when I woke up things were just a shade different.

I would like to talk about faith, but before we get started lets clarify that I mean faith in the broadest sense of the word and in no way mean any specific faith based anything.  One of the amazing things that faith does for a person is to open themselves up for more introspection.  We take a closer look at ourselves, our words, and our deeds.  It’s not a crutch for the weak minded, nor is it a tool for controlling the masses.  It’s a means for every person to look inside themselves and evaluate what they like and don’t like about themselves.  It inspires us to reconcile with ourselves, thus allowing better relationships with other people.

I would also like to banish the notion that faith and science are to be separate.  A logical mind can still believe in things/powers/energies that are greater than ourselves.  It also allows some of us to understand that we are not always in control of our surroundings.  We can however, control how we respond to them.  To me, faith can be something so simple as just letting yourself stop worrying about doing everything all at once.  Allowing yourself to rest your mind in the fact that everything will work out the way it is meant to.

For me I believe in God, as well as the natural law that exists through all things.  I believe he communicates to us in ways that we can comprehend.  She allows us greater insight into our own emotions and give us the ability to empathize with others more easily.  They set standards of actions, so that we can use our free will for the better of everyone, not just own selfish desires.

I believe we are all connected at the core.  The only reason, in my opinion, that we don’t have a utopian society is that we don’t want one yet.  We have discovered that through adversity and strife that the best and worst traits of mankind can be explored at great length.  We as a species have yet to reach the pinnacle of our potential.

Faith shows us a way to look inside ourselves in a manner above and beyond the basics of introspection.  Science gives us ways to take that understanding of a greater world and push it’s limits farther.  We have made great strides as a people, but we have a long way to go.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Jarred Brown-Full Father Alchemist