Obsession at its finest

I get an idea in my head and I won’t let it go.  Right or wrong I ride it out.  Whether I know the end result will only be disappointment or not.  No one sees that side of OCD.  It’s why I’m typing now.  I wanted to go do other things, but I feeling the overwhelming urge to write, to share, to express myself.  I hate suffering  like this, at times.  At other times it’s comforting, the forced repetition.  It brings peace, even if the end result is negative.  The media I have seen on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder displays that obsession of repetition in physically obvious manner, like Michael J. Fox showed us in the show Scrubs season 3 episodes “My Catalyst” and “My Porcelain God”.  In those it shows him washing his hands over and over uncontrollably.  That is what goes on in our minds.  Thoughts that must be seen to completion every time, whether we want them to or not.  It can hurt us in SO many ways.  For me, it’s financially.  My obsession is spending.  Or, to be more specific, instant gratification.  Gambling, needless collectables, and worse, digital goods and game services.  I know my disorder, how to identify it, how to explain it, but not how to control it.  I do know that until I worked through my depression, I would not be able to move forward with trying to tackle OCD.  This blog and especially those of you that read often and show it have been a major catalyst in healing.  I feel I need to share my story, in case someone does not know what’s happening to them.  A type of anchor for the other broken souls, the Disorderlies(not trademarked, just amusing.  You are not trapped in your disorder forever.  There are people, just like me, out there that are looking for ways to help you, and I.

I had planned on sharing my full story that I have uncovered recently or seemingly unearthed, for there are skeletons I would not ever like to see again, but I want to show you my scars.  Maybe if you see mine, you will see you are not forgotten and not unknown.

I was abused both physically and mentally in my early years by a babe sitter and her twin daughters.  I was a latch key kid, alone more often than not.  Later in school years I was bullied and became an outcast.  Although I met some of the best people I have ever know there.  I made a cascade of bad choices.  I tried to right myself by joining the United States Air Force, but I was far too damaged to succeed.  By then my OCD had become a life altering impediment.  I could not stop spending, even knowing I would fail in doing so.  I did not know what was happening to me.  All I knew is that I had failed.  Not really understanding why.  That is also where I met the 4th worst human ever in my life.  She destroyed all that was good and light inside me by cheating on me time after time.  But I was too obsessed with having a relationship to stop seeing her.  She then got pregnant and life got more complicated then I could comprehend.  After nearly a decade of being a dark soul, emotionally hurting people I never wanted to  Only a few true friends remain in my life from those horrible years, that I see as the most fun I have ever had.  Only when I reflect on my actions of those days do I regret some of my choices.  I ripped myself out of that life at age 30, bringing with me my son and soon to be wife.  The going was rough, to say the least, because I as far from healed then.  That’s when my OCD actually helped me through impossible times.  My job has been the ultimate physical repetition.  I stand in the same place I did when I started 13 years ago.  I cook the same food I did all those years ago, with only minor alterations.  It’s how I survived those most depressed years.  It took my mid life crisis striking me earlier this year, just after turning 43, that I have really started dealing with all of the things I have just shared with all of you.  There are layers upon layers to how the depression started to lift and music, family, friends, my job, and a few other things I can’t talk about, yet, have helped me through the darkest hours.  I would have had a complete nervous breakdown, had it not been through constant introspection.  Through that introspection I discovered my complete and total belief in God and his miracles.  I hope by message can help others to break through their own darkness and hopelessness.  I have faith it will, when you are ready to hear it, or rather read it.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

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Vans Wapred Tour 2017

Not so long a go I had lost the desire to do anything I used to enjoy.  I could not have dreamed of going to something as amazing as the Warped Tour my wife and I attended today.  I had not thought of going to such a thing before.  It was such an amazing group of bands that played.  The noise was always loud, not something I’m used to.  More than just the bands, there were activist groups of all manner doling out free information and great organizations whose message is pure and well meaning.  It was a magnificent cultural merger for the music.  The music ranged from the heaviest of metal music all the way to rap artists.  We were among the oldest there, but no one gave mind to it all.  It felt great.

By far my favorite performer is George Watsky.  His songs are some of the best I have heard in the current generation of artists.  The other fans of his were passionate in their fandom.  I recommend his song “Sloppy Seconds” if you are of the mind to hear his music. We were able to meet and greet him twice.  He’s just as down to earth and appreciative of his fans as you might hope for the best of people.

Before I started really looking into working through my depression I could not have done any of the activities I have enjoyed this year.  3 Major League baseball games and 1 massive music festival.    Between the depression and OCD I had collapsed my world into only 2 subject work and home.  Mentally trapping myself in a situation that could be sustained with minimal effort.  I may look into becoming a psychiatrist to help heal people.

My ears are still ringing, but it was worth it.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Overshare

In the beginning of this year I started experiencing my mid life crisis.  On top of that I came to understand that my anti anxiety medication was doing far more harm than good.  The initial shock and realization of the situation I was in had me very alarmed.  I started to franticly search for some exterior stimuli to kick start myself again.  Through the months since then I have come to understand that it was not my exterior that needed changes, it was my interior crying for help.  I have kept the blog since near the start of the internal change.  Many of you have been here from the start.  I cannot say I’m 100%, but I’m well on my way to healing inside.

The next steps are unclear to me.  Not being able to afford college is a set back, so I have to come up with new ideas for moving forward.  I am grateful to God for my recovery.  Without his divine grace I would have shattered some time ago.

I still have dreams of going to the east coast, I simply have to find other routes.  My OCD still has a massive effect on me.  Until I figure out how to control it better, I have to stick to what I know how to do, cooking for a living.   I will continue to study philosophy and psychology without a specific school for now.  The information is out there, I just have to find it.

I know that I have a good life and I am grateful.  I don’t keep writing here just for myself.  I keep pushing because I know there are others out there like me.  We need to find a cure for OCD, not just a workaround.  Thanks for listening today.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

When will the chaos stop

It’s a secret question we ask ourselves.  Whether we mean it towards our daily lives or our internal self.  We see the chaos on every level.  The chaos being that maelstrom of emotions within and rapid fire stimuli without.

Some days humanity seems like it’s being tested on a daily basis.  What levels of greatness can we achieve?  What are the true depth of human depravity?  We each see these things in different manners, but we all see them none the less.  Here in the US our depravities are as deep as any yawning chasm.  Our greatness outshines those flaws, in our opinion.  We watch movies that depict every manner of horrible thing a human can do to another so we can either feel the horror or elation of those moments.  On the other hand we have people that strive every moment of every day so that others will live a better life of peace and acceptance.  I might hazard a guess that readers from other countries might feel the same way about their homeland.  Humanity is the same, no matter the region.  Some places just find better ways of wrangling the chaos.

I enjoy sharing my thoughts about these topics.  I take some manner of peace in knowing that I am not alone.  I read your stories and feel like they are parts of me, because they are on some levels.  We have felt the same feelings and sensations.  The grip of fear that tightens around your heart.  The depression that you can literally feel pushing you down to a proverbial kneel.  The feeling of juxtaposition inside oneself as well as the world around us.  The Razor cuts away the improbable(Occam’s Razor).  I enjoy the those moments of peace.

None of us are actually alone, though all of us feel like it.  How odd is that, really?  We can exist in a sea of 7 billion 46 million people, we can feel like no one knows us.  Like no one cares.  But that is a lie.  Every person that cries a little, even on the inside, when they see a sad moment in a show, video clip, or movie cares.  They feel that little moment of empathy.

I would guess that’s another reason the internet was invented.  We have strived in every way to connect one person to another.  From campfires in ancient times, their light attracting strangers to it’s warmth, to social media and beyond.  The human spirit desires unity.  I hope I live long enough for the majority to catch on.

We’ve seen what we believe to be the worst in human kind.  We’ve seen what we think is the best.  Now we need to see the balance of those things.  It goes the same when you are dealing with your own internal struggles.  You have to find the balance within yourself.  Accept that your dark side is part of you.  Remember the thoughts don’t make you evil.  Your deeds show your true colors.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

a good day

Today is a good day.  I have been through so much lately, but this morning when I woke up things were just a shade different.

I would like to talk about faith, but before we get started lets clarify that I mean faith in the broadest sense of the word and in no way mean any specific faith based anything.  One of the amazing things that faith does for a person is to open themselves up for more introspection.  We take a closer look at ourselves, our words, and our deeds.  It’s not a crutch for the weak minded, nor is it a tool for controlling the masses.  It’s a means for every person to look inside themselves and evaluate what they like and don’t like about themselves.  It inspires us to reconcile with ourselves, thus allowing better relationships with other people.

I would also like to banish the notion that faith and science are to be separate.  A logical mind can still believe in things/powers/energies that are greater than ourselves.  It also allows some of us to understand that we are not always in control of our surroundings.  We can however, control how we respond to them.  To me, faith can be something so simple as just letting yourself stop worrying about doing everything all at once.  Allowing yourself to rest your mind in the fact that everything will work out the way it is meant to.

For me I believe in God, as well as the natural law that exists through all things.  I believe he communicates to us in ways that we can comprehend.  She allows us greater insight into our own emotions and give us the ability to empathize with others more easily.  They set standards of actions, so that we can use our free will for the better of everyone, not just own selfish desires.

I believe we are all connected at the core.  The only reason, in my opinion, that we don’t have a utopian society is that we don’t want one yet.  We have discovered that through adversity and strife that the best and worst traits of mankind can be explored at great length.  We as a species have yet to reach the pinnacle of our potential.

Faith shows us a way to look inside ourselves in a manner above and beyond the basics of introspection.  Science gives us ways to take that understanding of a greater world and push it’s limits farther.  We have made great strides as a people, but we have a long way to go.  Until next time, peace to you and yours.

Jarred Brown-Full Father Alchemist

OCD Revelations

One of the really great and wonderful things that has occurred lately is that while working through my depression, OCD, and midlife crisis have opened my eyes to things I had overlooked.  Like showing my wife more appreciation and admitting to when I am wrong.  There is more to it, but that’s private.

I have been searching WordPress for other people that suffer from OCD.  So many similarities between us, but one constant.  There is no cure yet.  Being “cursed” with a mental disorder is alarming to most of us.  Those that discover it later in life are able to make past instances more understandable as far as mental well being is concerned.  Some anxiety and depression are lifted, since an open understanding of the constant flow of internalized negative thoughts is reasoned to be the disorder and not some believed deserved punishment from past or present transgressions.  I am also finding that some cases of OCD manifests itself in the form of constantly repeating an action or activity for minutes/hours/years.  I am seeing some of these cases are “triggered” by a significantly distressful ordeal that in effect overloads the mind and causes a constant flow of repeated messages in order to bypass the mental trauma.

In my case it started in part very early as a block to the abuse that was done to me by a babysitter.  Followed by being bullied and tormented in school and beyond for no good reason.  The greatest blow was being betrayed by my daughter’s mother, but the disorder was already present and doing it’s damage by them.  Only through deep introspection have I been able to put all the pieces together, with a lot of prayer and reliance on friends and family to bear with me while this was all going on.

This leads me to my latest decision to be made.  Do I continue on my path to study Philosophy, as a means to understand the various past ideas of healing the body through unusual means or pursuing phycology to assist with the direct intervention of fellow troubled souls.

Thanks for stopping by.  Peace to you and yours.