an interesting quote

“Destiny rarely calls us at a moment of our choosing.”  After watching Guardians of  the Galaxy 2 for the 2nd time, this time with my father, I thought about that quote, from the 2nd Transformers movie.  It rings true for me.  I feel like the recent chain of events leading to my drastic life change is similar to the quote.  I was content where I was.  I no longer wanted to strive for anything more.  I believed that here in the USA we had real freedom.  I was ok with us struggling to pay our bills from month to month.  Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with what I was doing and how we were living.  By some standards it is luxurious.  But something inside was awaken.  I have not pushed myself since my time in the USAF.  I have only lived within my comfort zone for more than 20 years.  To some this is a fine way to be, to me it is not.

I have, deep down, always wanted to make a difference in this world.  I have to find a way to cure depression.  Not just cover it’s symptoms, but heal the ailment as it exists.  Certain levels of depression are crippling, therefor is reasonable to believe that it does act like a persistent disease.  If it acts like it, it’s possible that there is some type of biological element causing it.  So it should be curable.  There are medicines that relieve the symptoms.  There are herbs that lift it, albeit temporarily.  If it can be manipulated by medicine, it should be healable.  The only reason not to cure it, is that it is more cost effective to treat it.  Just like so many things in the USA medical system.

In my opinion, which is rather obscure to most people, the people of the world should not have to pay for certain things, such as food, medicine, knowledge, and shelter.  These should all be communal necessities, the burden shared by every member.  The profits should be on luxuries such as vehicles, fine dining, travel, entertainment, and other extracurricular activities.  People should work because they choose to, as their purpose in life, not because they need to sell their time to pay to eat, so they can work more, to pay to be treated for ailments caused by working too much, and so on and so forth.  We have been taught to be grateful of our servitude.  “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” In this famous speech, it means the exact opposite of what it sounds like.  JFK’s speech is about the USA leading the world to a better place.  To defend freedom from it’s hour of maximum danger.  It feels like our country and lost it’s way.  He wanted the world to unite.  “Ask not what American will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.”  That is where we were meant to be.  “God’s work must truly be our own.”

Dr. Martin Luther King was another visionary such as Franklin Delano Roosevelt and John F. Kennedy.  He saw beyond what was holding us back.  He stood up, as any hero does, and moved us in the right direction.

All of those men were called upon, by destiny, to sacrifice themselves, their normal lives, for the greater good of humanity.  They are not the only ones, by ANY means, they are simply the ones that I know best.  Maybe I have been called.  Will I ever even know?  Or will my legacy tell my story.  Time will tell us HIS plan.

It is the civic duty of every American to entertain these thoughts.  Remember where we came from.  See the injustice around us.  Stand up against the those injustices.  Be the shelter to the tired, the poor, the yearning masses waiting to breathe free.  We should be proud of what our government stands for.  Instead of bowing our heads and looking away from the corruption of the systems.  We have the power to change it.  We should not be a world divided.  Liberty and Justice should be the right all mankind.  It should also be THEIR right to choose it.

I want to think that my ideals are shared by many, but I know I’m wrong.

 

 

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Who are we?

Who are we if not the memories that we tell ourselves?  We say, I am a <insert job here>,  <insert parental status>, <insert mental disorder>, <insert chemical dependency> , <insert past experiences we remember to form who we see in the mirror today>.  What happens when a person has such a clear memory of emotional pain, suffering, regret, sorrow, sadness, and fear, that they have to shut out those memories for fear being overwhelmed?  Does that person ever get to be whole?

I have been watching several thought provoking series lately.  Ones that remind me of the archaic state of mental health “treatments”.  How they used to be barbaric and cruel.  By people who actually believed that you could terrify someone into sanity.  Today, they just fill you with synthetic garbage to block out more than needed.  So many brilliant minds, sleeping through life.  We have been forced to tolerate so much.  That, in and of itself is near maddening.

It feels as though humanity is standing at the precipice.  Allowing so much that should not occur, to keep proliferating itself.  If you want to erase racism, stop making race an issue.  Don’t mention it in stories.  Stop teaching people to keep seeing it where it does not exist.  Why do you think cigarette companies like anti smoking commercials?  Because they continuously talk about smoking.  Reminding people to pay attention to cigarettes.  In similar fashion to the World Wrestling Entertainment company, ANY publicity is good for business.  That means, the more we tolerate racism, the more we spread it.  This goes the same for any differences between people.  There will always be differences, but if you don’t continuously accentuate them, then their meaning is diminished.

 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; part me

One of my many hurdles is the OCD.  This last round is especially challenging.  Once an obsession passes, the previous point of interest is completely forgotten even to the point of being disinteresting.  I started my blog on one such obsessive moments.  I find it challenging to come back and continue writing.  But, part of my current depression treatment is really helping me observe and take action when I realize the OCD is “in control”.  For those that don’t suffer from or have heard of OCD it’s very difficult for me to describe.  I tell people, I think of the worst possible outcome to every single scenario I have ever thought of.  I tell them about the internal pointless rage.  I tell them about the lack of impulse control.  I explain that Obsessive is just that, but it’s just as easy to forget that obsession.  Unless you live it, it could be hard to grasp.  I lived for 41 years before knowing that I was dealing with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I had to do my own research into the all of the mental symptoms, but the physical repetition was easy to spot.  In 1995 the US Air Force wrote in a side note that I was Obsessive Compulsive.  I was not told what that meant.  I was not treated.  I was discarded without further explanation due to previous infractions brought on by the disorder.  I didn’t even know that what they did was ethically questionable.  I was swept away so quick I was denied by Montgomery GI Bill due to a length of service violation.  I had a disorder that they didn’t know how to handle, so I was booted and forgotten without even knowing what Obsessive Compulsive meant. Let alone that it was a disorder that has no cure.  This realization hurts.  I am going to go back to school this fall in order to help prevent my story from ever being repeated.  That’s been my plan all along, but I forget what I’m doing at times.  The faded obsession in easily forgotten.  Lucky for me I have this Blog, and all of you that stop by, to help remind me.  A life goal is not a passing obsession.  I can push and complete it, without fearing loss of interest.  I worry every day that I will simply fall back to my old habits and forget that I have to find a cure.  Depression first, then Anxiety, and then mental disorders like OCD.  If you know what it’s like, any word I have said, then you are not alone.

a word on Faith

I like “what if” questions.  They have been asked by some of the greatest minds in the world.  Throughout history “what if” has helped guide us to better places.

What if the world is NOT flat?  What if we could feed EVERYONE?  What if we could heal EVERYONE?  What if…what if every religion holds truth in it?  What if we are not supposed to be infighting?  What if we are supposed to bridge the gaps in humanity with each different faith.  Believe in one another.  Instead of doubt, smile at someone you don’t understand.  Ask them about why they feel the way they do.  LISTEN to them, don’t wait for your turn to talk.  Don’t hold a pre conceived notion that they are wrong and you are right, and vise versa.  Try to understand what they mean.  Reach out to them, instead of push them away.

Didn’t we learn in school to read the WHOLE story and then give our opinion and idea of what it meant?  Why should we treat any other human differently?  I think so much is lost in translation that we forget to form our own real opinions.  We rely on media and celebrities to tell us how we’re supposed to react and feel about situations.

We are still all the same species.  The same race.  I don’t see any orcs or elves around.  Some might argue there are trolls alive on the internet, but they are just angry humans.  Many yearn to be heard.  So many yearn for validation of their existence.

I tried an experiment lately.  I go out of my way to say nice things about people.  No matter the race/sex/gender/religion/age.  I tell people it’s nice to see them.  Because it is.  I don’t say these things to lie to a person, I pick something out that I like.  Nice hair!  Cool hat!  That head wrap is a really neat pattern.  Your name sounds interesting.  I like your accent.  It’s very easy.

I hope you all have a great day.  I am going to spend the rest of mine with my family.

Remember.  You are not alone.

The Future is Now.

This will be part of the mission statement of my Biotech company that I will build, one day.  Lead by a board of directors that focus on morals and ethics, rather than bottom lines.  I will create a company focused on healing the human body.  With branches in entertainment and luxury for income.  Also perhaps a defense branch, because we still live in a violent world.  This is my goal.  My dream.  It will focus on R&D of Biochemical, Biomedical, and Biomechanical means of repairing the human body.

For now though, I have to go be a chef:)  Have a wonderful day.                                                -Jarred Brown, dreamer and idealist.

I like you!

I like when you stop by.  I like when you take your time to visit me.  We don’t know each other yet.  My story is an interesting one, in my mind.  The fact that a single one of you stops by to read and reach out is so amazing.  The ones with messages, BBB and CM, thanks for choosing to be my friend.  I hope you find peace in your days.  Reach out of me if you are ever in need, for real.  I will try and help.  We are all one species.  One race.  There is little difference between us, if you really think about it.  We are men and women.  Some are both.  Some are different shades of human.  Yet we all struggle with things.  Not the same things, but our feelings are similar.  We all hurt, we all cry, we all feel courage when we need it.  We look to our heroes in times of need.  We all, each of us, can stand as a beacon in the darkness.  You are not alone out there.  My troubles by seem trivial to some, but they are the hardest things I will ever know.  Yours are just as real, just as important.  Every time you cry, we are all here.  There are times when I want to lay down and sleep it all away.  I am tired.  I don’t know if I have what it takes.  I will never know unless I take that leap of faith.  It’s crazy of me to pick up and go to school in CT, but it feels like the right thing to do.  I have so much to learn and it seems like the best place to start.  I worry constantly.  Just like the rest of you.  Will we make it?  Who knows.  But I will keep pushing, so that one day no one will know what it’s like to have OCD.  One day the world won’t be so depressed.  There is always hope.  There is always light.  Each one of us has it within.  We just have to share it.  One candle is nice.  All of them can light up the world.

Sunrise

I used to consider myself a night person.  I have worked 2nd shift for the past greater part of my working life.  Now, after all these years, I want to see the sun rise instead of set.  I want to feel the remembered sensations of cool morning breezes.  The sound of the world coming awake again.  It might sounds cheesy, but if you only saw the night time for the greater part of your existence, what might you think?  I bet you would think the difference in night and day…  Everyday I work through past pains and bridge the gaps between then and now.  Allowing myself to feel less compartmentalized.  The troubles with OCD and eidetic memory is that the emotional pain is as real and painful right now, as it was back then.  Can you imagine what it’s like to feel the pain of loss, heart break, or humiliation without provocation?  After a while, you stomp that out, because it hurts too much.  What happens is you transition it directly to anger, fear, or rage.  So your thoughts, without notice, are suddenly violent, terrified, or worse.  You have NO control over when this happens.  Every scenario, every day, every waking moment.  You think that it’s normal, then you think you are WAY to broken to be fixed.  Medical Doctors prescribed an anti depressant and anti anxiety medication.  This did little but to suppress the feelings, saving them up for a later, near fatal, meltdown.  Thanks to God the meltdown was not fatal.  This is why I will continue to fight.  These are the things I would not wish upon my worst enemies.  This is why I am going back to school this fall.  I just hope I can afford it.  You are not alone.  I am with you, in spirit, my friends.  Your depression will not consume you.  I won’t give up on us.

Another moment of doubt

I’m sitting here, nearly paralyzed with fear.  Not fear of failure, a fear of succeeding.  The past few months have been a maelstrom of highs and lows.  Picture yourself in a galleon at sea in a storm.  I feel as though I am only in eye of the storm, waiting for another massive blast depression.  I have not stopped to consider that the storm just might be over.  I do not believe in myself enough to stop for a moment and believe it will work out in my favor(resulting in a benefit to many of us that suffer from depression, anxiety, and other disorders).  These are the reasons I push myself just a little bit more every day.  I feel alone.  When I finally remember that there are so many others like me.  Paralyzed by “clogged” cells.  Depression is brutal.  OCD makes it worse.  That all causes so much anxiety I just sit here typing.  I’m not the only one.  Neither are you.

Time to push a little harder today.

Field Trip!

Today is our first day home after my son’s field trip to Washington DC.  I will attempt to do justice to everything we saw and experienced!

Our first day was that of near madness!  Starting our travels in the middle of the night we took bus and plane to reach our destination.  The only rest we all had was what little bits we got on rides and short layover.  It was an amazing whirlwind of excitement for most everyone.  For so many of the kids it was their first plane ride!  I did not expect what would come next.  Every single time they children were called upon to respect the rules at all of the memorials they were so well behaved!  We visited several great points of interest including but not limited to Mt. Vernon, The White House, the Capitol building and most of the memorials.  Also included were several of the Smithsonian museums.  Each group of us consisted of 2 adults and 4-5 students.  Our group had a magnificent variety of interested from sports to the sciences!  All of them were eager to share their interested with each other AND myself.  I felt very good that they would share that with me.  We had enough time at each museum for each student in our group to select their top choice.  The pace was hurried, but we managed to get a bit of each.

I was impressed by how easily they adapted to their surroundings.  Even the most challenging students fell in line when requested.

My favorite moments were in this order; Best moments was my sons first time in an aircraft simulator in the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum.  It was a full 360 experience.  We had such a great time.  My son opted to keep one of the photos they took.  Which happened to be the first time we were upside down!  2nd was seeing the USS Enterprise model.

My 2nd favorite was the memorial of Franklin D. Roosevelt.  I will post the quotes of his that I loved, once I get them all downloaded.  I think he will be my newest inspiration for pushing forward.  This humble man seems like how I feel.  I have much I want to offer people as far as my desire to cure mental illnesses and healing our country overall.  I am continuing to seek out ways to be able to financially be able to accomplish my goals.  I have gotten to a point in life in which I see few alternatives left, other than just pushing as hard as I can, with all the time I have left, to finding our cures.  I was able to keep my OCD under control during the trip, but near to the end I was completely overloaded and started to struggle with “keeping it together”.

BTW, skip using Southwestern Airlines.  Their flight attendants were not professional at all.  They treated our group like 2nd class passengers.

I have come to the conclusion that I would like to live on the east coast.  The history in that area is something of great interest to me.  Sometimes we must be reminded that each person of interest in history had one thing in common.  They believed in themselves and their personal quest.  I am at this point.  I will succeed or die trying.

Keep remembering, you are not alone.  No one has forgotten you.

PS. Some of the pictures are from the Jefferson Memorial!  Sorry for the initial misinformation, I was mentally overspent.