4th wall break

Isn’t that was all of our blogs are?  Every time we share a story in our lives with another person.  We show them our pain or joy, explain in detail things they would not otherwise know.  “All the world’s stage, All it’s men and women merely players.”  Going by that Shakeperean insight, it means I’m right.  We play our parts, only to break character and show those whom would listen our truer character.  I reach out often lately.  Hoping that someone, anyone hears me.  Trying to make sense of the odd series of events in attempting to go back to college at age 43.

I have ordered my vaccination records 3 times, to no avail, from the government.  My wonderful parents happened to find the originals and those are not clear enough for the school.  I am currently waiting for my doctor to authorize a titer test so I can finally clear this step.  Next, the IRS sent me the wrong documents and I was only informed they were wrong weeks later by an email stating the correct form was still missing from my file.  This past Saturday I discovered that I am not going to be getting my Montgomery G.I. bill.  I am struggling to find an apartment that will rent to someone with my current salary, which will go away when I move.  I am apprehensive to send out my resume until I can absolutely guarantee that I will be attending school this fall.  At times it feels like all of these obstacles are meant to stop me.  Now I feel like they are just testing to ensure that my OCD isn’t tricking me to rush into something I will just give up on later.  Otherwise my series of unlikely events is simply that I have some really bad luck.  “Your reality is defined by your perception.”  Just to top it all off, I was to hang out with an old friend today, but he is not feeling well.  I do hope he gets well soon.

Thank you for listening, I needed to get that off my chest!  Peace to you and yours.

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Ideally

The perfect form of government should be democracy, in theory.  2) Democracy: It is “generally defined as a form of government in which all adult citizens have an equal say in the decisions that affect their lives.”   At least as far as we have known in our lives.  To others, it’s Socialism; political and economic theory of social organization that advocates that the means of production, distribution, and exchange should be owned or regulated by the community as a whole.

We have a far watered down form of democracy than was initially intended and for some unknown reason, socialism scares people.  So where does that leave all of us?  Feeling rather powerless.  We vote, hoping that it means something.  Then someone else comes and makes changes that hurt some while helping others.  Shouldn’t everything that happens in a government of the people, by the people, for the people, actually help all of the people?  It boggles my mind, thinking of how we got here.  Our governments are all doing the best they can with what they have, but we only look to what they do for us.  Too many disillusioned people raging against a machine they built with inaction and complacency.  The generations before us wonder why their system has been changed so much.  Our generation complains about the change.  The next generation is struggling in it’s fight to right the changes that took place that are causing so much damage.

These are just some of the things I ponder about, with too much time on my hands, waiting for the last few pieces to fall into place so I can start schooling.  Hope everyone have a great day.  Peace to you and yours.

College at 43

Getting accepted, setting up financing, and finding a place to rent from so far away is an incredible challenge.  Not to mention all the hurdles in each of those steps.

Some days I feel the challenge could be too daunting for me.  I know better, but doubt and depression go hand in hand.  I have been overwhelmed the past couple weeks.  I feel too much, think too much, react too much.  All because I want something more from life.  I don’t want the burden of OCD for the rest of my days.  I have no idea how to stop it, but I have to find out.  There has to be a biological reason that my cells don’t act/react the same as other people.  There also has to be a way to fix that.  Emotions and feelings are cellular reactions.  They are a physical response to stimuli.  Therefor there should be a reasonable way to repair a mis wired or malfunctioning set of molecules.  If depression can be lifted, even temporarily, by any means, then it is logical to believe that mental disorders can be fixed.  Cured.  The body can be healed, I just don’t know how yet.  Some kind of plant?  My favorite theory is the use of nanites to scrub the cells clean and repair any damage.  If they can do that, then they could rewire them to behave normally.  These are the things I think about as I cook at work.  This is what consumes so much of my time lately.  I’m obsessing over having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder…to me, that’s funny.

Peace to you and yours, from me and mine.  I hope your troubles flee from you.  I hope your days go well.  I hope the suns shines on you.

A normal day.

In recent months my life has been a jumble.  My once consistent pattern of routines has been disrupted by the internal need to change.  Change BACK to what I think I should have been, had my depression and OCD not ruled my actions for so long.

Today I am going to try and just have a  normal day.  No stressing about the future or the past.  Lately, when I try to take a day to let my mind rest, I feel guilty.  I feel like I had been at rest for so long, that if I try now, it’s just a total waste.  But a wise friend of mine nudged me a couple weeks ago.  Telling me that even now I need to let stuff go, for short periods of time.  I am paraphrasing, but the meaning is the same.  Even when we went to Skyzone and the go kart place on Sunday, I was constantly thinking about what needed to be done.  On the topic of Sunday, it was the first time my sons had ever driven go karts.  It was amazing fun.

I hope that all of you enjoy your day.  If I can help you, I will:)  Some one pick an ingredient and I’ll write a recipe for it:)

Trust Issues

Just recently I entered a verbal agreement with a local shop owner to sell some of my old collectable cards on consignment.  While for the most part everything seems on the up and up, I am noticing that not every sale is being credited to me.  There is no written agreement, so I cannot press the issue, but I really dislike that anyone would deal in a less than upfront and honest manner.  Most would consider my actions naïve, and while I agree, why can’t people just be honest and trustworthy?  Why is that no longer a trait that is exemplified in our business owners?  Have we as a country fallen so far that the norm is now to cheat, scam, or otherwise screw someone over?

The more I test peoples character, the more disappointment I get to experience.  Our work environment is another mine field of trust issues ranging from dependability to outright having to avoid hostile situations as they occur.  Should we all just give up and treat every person with suspicion?  I don’t want to.  I will continue to naively believe that each person can, when called upon in some manner, rise above what is normal and act in a manner more fitting a civilized society.  I will go out of my way to compliment people.  I will hold doors open for anyone.  I will continue to offer assistance, when the situation is dire.  I have been burned 1000’s of times, but I refuse to give in.  Have a great day, each and every one of you.  Peace to you and yours.

Why I dislike OCD

Because when I try and explain things logically, few people understand.  I don’t want to come to the worst conclusion first, it simply happens.  I don’t want to get wrapped up in nothing, but it happens.  I don’t want to see the world as dark and cold some days, but it happens.  I can’t walk it off.  I can’t shake it off either.  I am not able to chill out on command.  It is part of what plagues my mind. Sucks.

Some days I wonder just how many people have some form of OCD.  Does it trouble them as well?  Do any of you?  Would you tell me, even if you did?  If you do, you are not alone.